Difference between revisions of "Fun:Andrew Schlafly"

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(→‎Difficulty with grammar & spelling: a happy New Year's to you...)
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October 10, 2008 <blockquote style="background: #F9F9F9; border: 1px solid #AAAAAA; padding: .3em;">What time is now from where you edit? <ref>http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk:Aschlafly&diff=next&oldid=533587</ref></blockquote>
October 10, 2008 <blockquote style="background: #F9F9F9; border: 1px solid #AAAAAA; padding: .3em;">What time is now from where you edit? <ref>http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk:Aschlafly&diff=next&oldid=533587</ref></blockquote>
December 31, 2008<blockquote style="background: #F9F9F9; border: 1px solid #AAAAAA; padding: .3em;">...a happy New Year's to you...<ref>http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk%3AMain_Page&diff=597881&oldid=597865</ref></blockquote>
Many other examples of his appalling spelling and slipshod grammar exist throughout his blog, and he delights in creating new ones every day.
Many other examples of his appalling spelling and slipshod grammar exist throughout his blog, and he delights in creating new ones every day.

Revision as of 17:54, 31 December 2008

Book burning.PNG !WARNING!

This article is primarily a work of satire.

If you came to this page looking for information about Andrew Schlafly, particularly as a potential teacher, please click this link.

"Over sixteen million pageviews! People want to read what we have to offer!!!"

"Yay! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!"

- Conservapedia's top homeschooling prodigy on Conservapedia homeschooling courses

"I do teaching writing![1]"

- Actual quote from Conservapedia's homeschool teacher, Andrew Schlafly
Note: This article on Andrew Schlafly is top ranked on Google, and therefore,
by Conservapedia logic, it is accurate in every sense of the word!

Andrew Layton Schlafly, Esquire (allegedly born in 27 April 1961 CE, still kicking) is the owner of Conservapedia. He is currently undefeated in any debate due to his skillful use of the Schlafly Reversal, the Schlafly Rearguard, Schlafly Statistics, and the fact that he can just ban anyone who disagrees with him from his site. Andy also utilizes a Word of the Day calendar to find new ways to embarrass himself. His favorite obsessions include liberal deceit (see below), liberal mockery, and the Parthian shot. He is also clairvoyant, and can tell to within two percentage points the likelihood that someone who disagrees with him on another matter is against school prayer. This clairvoyance is ironic as he often promotes users who openly parody his edits before they then kick him in the teeth[2]. When not exposing liberal deceit on Conservapedia, Andy practices more criminal law than most other attorneys.[3] However, he has no clear accomplishments that are not the likely result of him being a white, silver-spoon, trust-fund momma's-boy.

In April 2008, Schlafly announced his desire to purge the Bible of its liberal bias.[4] He's on a mission from God.


It was perhaps Andy's misfortune to be born to a remarkable but utterly misguided woman at the peak of her powers.[5] By the time he was eighteen, his mother Phyllis had written nine ill-argued and reactionary tomes, helped bring the Equal Rights Amendment to its knees, been a three-time candidate for Congress, become a twice-weekly syndicated newspaper columnist, and recently enrolled as a full-time law student at Washington University in St. Louis, all while claiming that a woman's place is in the home[6] but in fact less than 1% of Missourians are writers, law students or politicians. Although he faithfully absorbed her values and unreason, he inherited none of her vigor or charisma.

Raised in comfort in a large house in Alton, Illinois, he suckled at his mother's ultra-conservative teat[7] for six months and was homesckooled until the age of seven.[8] There is some evidence to suggest that he later attended Saint Louis Priory School, a private Catholic boys' school, graduating in 1978.[9] His father, lawyer Fred Schlafly, encouraged all his children to follow him to law school.

Schlafly gets degree, laid

Domestic goat (Capra hircus). The brown one is Stacey

Andy, however, rebelled and set out on a savage drink and drug-fueled bender across the Mid-West claims to have graduated from Princeton in 1981 with a bachelor's degree in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science. Strangely, he has never provided proof of this degree, and his chances of having received one are less than 100 to 1, as less than 1% of the population of the country has a degree in electrical engineering (his chances of being a homosexual, however, are more than 10 times greater). Remarkably, he could think well enough to earn degrees from respected universities without compromising their reputations. He worked as a device physicist for Intel until 1983 and then moved on to Johns Hopkins University, MD, where he joined the Microelectronics Group of its Applied Physics Laboratory. He married Catherine Agneta Kosarek at a Roman Catholic ceremony in 1984, after hypnotizing her at a party. Miss Kosarek was a fourth-year medical student at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine and also a Princeton graduate.[10]. As of March, Andy hasn't stated whether he has stopped beating her or not, even when asked repeatedly[11]. His wife successfully mated twice[12] (perhaps even with him, though no one can be sure why) and spawned two more conservative stormtroopers for the cause, Andrew Jr. and little (how could they...) Phyllis Schlafly. While the former is now a proud College-going Republican[13] and Huckabee supporter,[14] the latter is *gasp* an evolutionist![15]

Mr. Schlafly goes to Washington

No one would suspect the wearer of this beatific smile!

He attempted to run for Congress in 1992. In a masterstroke of political timing, Andy decided to spend $84,725 of his own money[16] on his campaign for a seat in the House of Representatives (VA 11), in the same year that Bill Clinton would sweep into the White House on a wave of popular discontent with the Republican incumbent, George H. W. Bush. No fewer than nine Schlaflys blew their god-fearing dollars on this abortive campaign, though most of them to the tune of a decidedly less crazy $1000 each.[17] Only 11% of voters in the Republican primary shared the vision of "Andy Schlafly for Congress" and he finished in a dismal 5th place.[18]

Incidentally, a blog has been erected proclaiming Andrew Schlafly's running as a candidate in the 2008 presidential election. Such characters as Rob and Conservative also make appearances on the blog, supporting their overlord in his presidential bid.

In case you couldn't tell, it's probably parody.

A drawer full of smoking monkeys

Look - he's taking another puff!

Schlafly, who refuses to deny putting gerbils in his anus for sexual pleasure[19], had received his J.D. from Harvard Law School the previous year[20] and claims to have been awarded a magnum of Laudrup cum for his efforts. He also claims to have taught a course in administrative law as an adjunct professor at Seton Hall Law School. Given the insight and intellectual rigor of his lectures on Conservapedia, his failure to advance further can only be attributed to his growing sense of disgust at the moral vacuum at the heart of liberal academia.

Striding purposefully out of this den of relativistic iniquity, he was admitted to the New York State Bar Association in 1993.[21] There is evidence to suggest that he worked as an associate at Wachtell, Lipton, Rosen & Katz, a New York law firm,[22] before moving into private practice.[23] He was later appointed general counsel to the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons (AAPS), a motley collection of "conservative" quacks, cranks and god-botherers not to be confused with the infinitely more credible American Medical Association (AMA). Andy had clearly found his niche and, in between filing spurious amicus curiae briefs on behalf of assorted wingnut causes, even found the time to pen such charming documents as Had an abortion? Call an attorney! Classy stuff.

Into the rabbit hole

Andy's conversion to Young Earth Creationism happened at around the age of 40 (circa 2000 CE). It is not known what caused him to renounce the bountiful fruits of the Enlightenment,[24] but he describes the process as having taken "several years" and as being "based [on] a thorough open-minded application of logic and science." Readers will be doubtless heartened to hear that he found his faith greatly strengthened as a result of this self-inflicted intellectual lobotomy (and acid).[25]

Around this time, he also began delivering online lectures for his mother's Eagle Forum "University" (REGISTER TODAY! It's Free). Not content with warping the impressionable homesckooled minds therein, he waded further out into the godless intertubes and formed a successful comedy double act with his mad elder brother Roger on the talk.origins Usenet group. Dubbed "Rogandy," their surreal creationist stylings provoked mirth and disbelief in almost equal measure.

A stroll through Andy's Usenet profile reveals a man adrift from reality and impervious to reason and argument. He made 3280 posts from May 1999 to August 2001, with talk.origins (1168) bearing the brunt of his attention. Gems abound within, including this June 2000 post to k12.chat.teacher where he tries to draw a link between "behavior-modifying prescription drug[s]" and US school shootings. Regular readers of Conservapedia will know that the blame has now been firmly placed at the door of the "atheistic" nature of the institutions themselves. Also worthy of mention is this wonderfully succinct evaluation of the Schlafly debate experience:

"...arguing with Andy is like playing chess with a small child who doesn't know the rules."[26]

(Above image copyright © 2007, Rudis Muiznieks. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial 3.0 License)

Godspeeding now with extreme prejudice, he emerged from the intertubes and began teaching real life classes of homeschooled Jesus-Jugend in 2002. He claims over 120 kills to his credit[27] and was awarded the Distinguished Homeskooling Cross (with Two Oak Clusterfucks) at a secret ceremony in Heaven. Yesterday.

The accusation, made by a number of well known blogs, that Andrew Snookums continues to breastfeed to this day, have not been substantiated. However, the accusations appear on blogs, so are most probably true.

Andy and "information"

"We have certain principles that we adhere to, and we are up-front about them. Beyond that we welcome the facts." Andrew Schlafly, Esq.

Frustrated in his attempts to insert his religious and political viewpoints into innocent articles at Wikipedia, on or about 2005, Mr. Schlafly decided to start an "encyclopedia" of his own, one that would conform to his strong biases in every way. So, along with a few dozen of his monkeys chained to typewriters homskollar protégés, he founded his heavily-moderated blog, Conservapedia, in November of 2006. It contains about as much useful scientific infomation as a typical Southern Baptist Convention Revival & Dunkathon.

It also affords him the luxury of being able to define terms into existence, and, when challenged on their legitimacy, insist that others do his research for him, or not complain.[28] His grasp of how information works is exemplified by statements such as: "Well, yes, you are literally correct, but figuratively that [information] reinforces the thesis." [29]


LOL with liberal deceit!

Deceit is Schlafly's favorite word. To him it is synonymous with liberal.[30] Apparently, real conservatives are incapable of any kind of dishonesty, whereas liberals raised in the moral vacuum of public schools resort to deceitful means with depraved abandon.

Cries of "Deceit" are also his main weapon. If you're in the pits of Conservapedia and Schlafly -- or any of the Schlaflettes -- scream "Deceit!" at you, that would equal the screaming of "Witch!" or "Illuminati!" in 15th century Spain in front of Torquemada. You don't stand a chance with maniacs.

Basically, Schlafly makes up crazy lies all the time as a short cut to winning debates. He will usually block whomever is likely to call him on these lies[31] as a matter of convenience, i.e. it allows him the polite fiction that this deceit is true and valid thus shoring up his fragile ego. His fellow groomers Ed Poor and Karajou have also picked up on this technique: "it's easy and fun!"

Along with deceit, Andy has recently started equating liberalness with closed-mindedness, imploring people who disagree with him (the vast majority of the earth's population) to "open their minds", for when they do they will surely agree with him. The humour of this is increased exponentially by the fact that Andy, who utterly refuses to accept anything except those portions of Biblical literalism that support his bizarre approach to reality, is perhaps one of the most closed-minded people on the planet.

What's really funny is that Andy himself has done teh deceitz, back when he had a "job".[32]

From footnote #82 of the above link:

In a declaration submitted in this proceeding, Schlafly claims that, at the time AT&T suspended AudioText’s service and demanded a security deposit, he was concerned about the risk of “closely held companies” such as AudioText “running up a large bill and then switching carriers,” leaving AT&T “with a substantial uncollectible.” AT&T Ex. 88, Schlafly Decl., at ¶ 14. Schlafly asserts that this “non-payment risk” existed regardless of whether AudioText’s traffic was legitimate, id. at ¶ 18, or whether AudioText itself, or one of its downstream customers, was engaged in “stimulating false traffic over the network through the use of autodialers.” Id. at ¶ 19. This after-the-fact explanation is not corroborated by the contemporaneous record and, in any event, does not support the conclusion that AT&T had reason to believe that its “Customer [AudioText] [was] using LDMTS in violation of Section 2.2.4.B.” of the tariff, that is, “with the intent to avoid the payment” of “[AT&T’s] tariffed charges” at the time AT&T suspended AudioText’s service. AT&T Ex. 58 § 2.9.6; AT&T Ex. 51 § 2.2.4.B. (emphasis added). The scenarios that Schlafly describes, where a closely held corporate customer of AT&T runs up a large bill through legitimate activity, or through the “false stimulation” of traffic by a downstream customer, do not involve situations in which the AT&T customer uses AT&T’s service “with the intent to avoid the payment” of AT&T’s tariffed charges in violation of section 2.2.4.B. of the tariff.

See Psychological projection

Further accusation of deceit

I noticed that you say that one of your favorite articles on your website is the one on “Deceit.” That article begins as follows: “Deceit is the deliberate distortion or denial of the truth with an intent to trick or fool another. Christianity and Judaism teach that deceit is wrong. For example, the Old Testament says, ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.’” You really should think more carefully about what that commandment means before you go around bearing false witness against others.
Professor Lenski

Andy and legal incompetence

Andrew Schlafly claims to be a Harvard educated lawyer; however he seems in many respects to have an extremely loose grasp on basic legal concepts. Examples of his legal incompetence include:

Harvard Law Review team photograph from 1990, showing Andrew Schlafly (left side, center row), along with Law Review President and future United States President Barack Obama (bottom right).
  • His claim that people who vandalize his website (Conservapedia) could be sentenced to up to 10 years in jail under 18 USC § 1030.[33] (see Conservapedia:FBI Incident)
  • Allowing Conservapedia editors to add every random image they find under fair use, whether or not the images are actually so. (See Conservapedia:Conservapiracy)
  • Not realizing that when claiming that Richard Dawkins acquired his position as professor through wrongful means, he is in fact accusing either Dawkins, Oxford University or both of criminal behaviour.
  • Andy and Conservapedia have a notoriously difficult time understanding slander, libel, and other forms of defamation, and how they work in the actual law.[more detail please]

Much of his poor grasp of legal concepts and theory is probably related to the fact that he is not and appears to never have been a practicing lawyer. An extensive search of legal indexes yield roughly 29 cases that Schlafly has been involved in. Every single one of those was as an amicus curiae filer for the quack mouth piece Association of American Physicians and Surgeons. Essentially Schlafly's whole legal career appears to be signing his name to court filings that the AAPS makes in cases it has no actual involvement or substantial interest in.

Difficulty with grammar & spelling


Mr. Schlafly has tremendous difficulties with the English language, and struggles to write correctly formed sentences using correctly spelled words. A humble clerk with writing problems like his would risk getting the sack for incompetence. In an unfortunate choice of battlefronts, he has made grammar and spelling an essential foundation of his debate against liberals. Some examples of his own postings reveal the thin ice his arguments are based upon:

Aug 10th, 2007

You don't see how sometime can estimate when the truth when someone else conceals it???? Don't ever become a cop, then, or a judge, or a juror, or a teacher, etc. Godspeed [34]

I looked at your contributions today, and found a serious of insertions of the form Citation needed or more obnoxious banners. [35]

July 21st, 2007

I don't pages that link to cp:Deletedpage does show up in random page searches. Do you think they do? [36]

July 13th, 2007 (Should have been statutes)

Criminal States Governing the Internet [37]

February 26th, 2008 (A real gem - while arguing about grammar and word usage)

You're "sources" for that ungrammatical claim... [38]

April 4th, 2008

Childbirth prevents against breast cancer.[39]

May 11, 2008

Conservapedia has long observed that girls are injured in sports at much higher rates than boys, and how liberals denial or downplay it.[40]

May 23, 2008 (This one is priceless)

See if you can learn out to spell "superior". [41]

June 20, 2008

I have to run an errand but want to you everyone know, as I've said before, that it's only productive to discuss something with somebody who has an open mind.[42]

July 1, 2008

Unlike Wikipedia, we respect person's own talk pages. [43]

October 10, 2008

What time is now from where you edit? [44]

December 31, 2008

...a happy New Year's to you...[45]

Many other examples of his appalling spelling and slipshod grammar exist throughout his blog, and he delights in creating new ones every day.

Among his favorite terms are two that we have elevated to the status of deserving their own articles: Godspeed and "you're clueless!"


Only faith in God counts. Nothing else is worthy to be called faith.

The cocoa edit

Before he goes to bed Andy likes to "edit" (i.e. wikify a single word or phrase) a random article while sipping his cocoa.

The Sunday sermon

Frequently Andy will return from church on Sunday inspired to write some mindless drivel.


  • In August 2007, a law student trumped Andy's knowledge of law, when Andy tried to baselessly assert that RationalWiki had committed copyright violations. Pwned.
  • For the latter half of 2007, this article was a Google sponsored link from the search phrase, "Andy Schlafly."
  • On 27 March 2008, information provided by RationalWiki assisted Princeton For Choice in defeating and embarrassing Schlafly at a "debate," where he tried to link abortion and breast cancer.[46]

Publications Hate filled rants

NOTE: This tiny list of publications does not reflect Andy's stated expertise on ... well ... everything. Maybe some of his acolytes[47] can cut and paste some more content to fluff this section up

Argumentation style

It has been theorized (by one user in particular) that Andy picked up his argumentation or debate style largely from this website. Andy will also use various phrases and ideas to sum up his arguments such as comparing something to a smoker living to 100, stating that 2+2=4, that school prayer would solve everything, that only logic is needed instead of actual proof or that autumn leaves disprove evolution.

Direct access to truth

Andy's conviction that he is always right is summed up best in this Ozy and Millie strip from Sunday, August 27, 2000:

Copyright D.C. Simpson, used with permission.

People who think Andy smaht

His Mommy, much in the same way that a parent will tell their obese, clubfooted, hydrocephalic daughter that she is pretty.

People who pretend Andy is smaht

Andrew Schlafly is less intelligent than he thinks. He’s surrounded by flatterers online, almost certainly offline as well. He’s been surrounded by flatterers all his life and has never learnt how to face reality. Schlafly can’t face the truth about himself and his low intelligence. He can easily go back to flatterers and avoid facing it. He overrules his own sysops and is sure he is right while they are all wrong. Someone like that will damage his own cause.

Status worship is the exaggerated emphasis of a person's status rather than their actual insights, contributions, or effort.

Jesus was known to place no significance in one's status:

"Teacher," they said, "we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren't swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are."Mt 22:16-17 (NIV) (emphasis added).

In another translation the term "status" is used to describe what meant nothing to Jesus. [48]

Andrew Schlafly can’t see when he worships his own status and encourages others to worship his status. See Psychological projection.

Praise and respect for Andy



Schlafly was honoured by having the old imperial measure of kookery, the Schlafly, named after him. The Schlafly is equal to approximately 2.63 Hovinds.


Lewd Carny Flash

Gallery of deceitful liberal mockery

Icon fun.svg For those of you in the mood, RationalWiki has a fun article about Andrew Schlafly.

These contributions are examples of the well-known tendency of liberals to rely on deceit and mockery when they can't argue their biased points successfully.

Please also enjoy our fine selection of Assfly songs and poetry, and anagrams. Now with added deceit!

See also

Conservlogo late april.png
For those living in an alternate reality, Conservapedia has an "article" about Andrew Schlafly

See also, Conservapedia style!*

* "See Also's may or may not have anything at all to do with the article subject" - TK, Conservapedia sysop[50]

External links


  1. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk%3AAschlafly&diff=554771&oldid=554745img
  2. See Conservapedia:MexMax
  3. Reference deceitfully memory-holed by the Assfly.
  4. Now that he has a good year and a half's experience at running God's Wiki, all he wants to do is help out by reverting the liberal vandalism in the Bible. God, please make him a sysop.[1]
  5. They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  6. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,945990,00.html
  7. Phyllis Schlafly is a Sensitive Mom.
  8. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/30/garden/30phyllis.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1
  9. http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Saint_Louis_Priory_School&diff=next&oldid=109771846
  10. The New York Times
  11. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Main_Page&diff=prev&oldid=384010 Burned, see here instead.
  12. As a practicing Roman Catholic Andy would be forbidden to use any form of contraception. As his wife had demonstrated her fecundity by delivering two offspring, we can only assume that their relationship has continued on a Platonic basis ever since, or Andy's 'little swimmers' just aren't up to the task anymore
  13. http://www.conservapedia.com/User_talk:CollegeRepublican
  15. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Debate:Is_the_theory_of_macroevolution_true%3F&diff=next&oldid=10053
  16. http://cspan.politicalmoneyline.com/cgi-win/x_candpg.exe?DoFn=H2VA11107*1992
  17. http://www.newsmeat.com/campaign_contributions_to_politicians/donor_list.php?candidate_id=H2VA11107&li=S
  18. http://www.ourcampaigns.com/RaceDetail.html?RaceID=361897
  19. [2]
  21. https://iapps.courts.state.ny.us/attorney/AttorneyDetails?attorneyId=5483717
  22. http://www.nylawyer.com/display.php/file=/probono/news/07/070907c
  23. I Can't Believe It's a Law Firm
  24. Mid-life crisis?
  25. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Moon&oldid=347382
  26. The author doffs his cap to a Mr. Richard Carnes on talk.origins, March 15, 2002 [3]
  27. http://www.conservapedia.com/User:Aschlafly
  28. this version shows it playing out - he promises that he will get some sources... soon...
  29. Yes, he really typed that, right here.
  30. 3 uses in two sentences
  31. Actually, Andy tries to keep his innocent Christian hands clean, and lets his "enforcers" do the blocking
  32. See footnote 82 on page 10 at this FCC document.
  33. Conservapedia Mainpage - oldid=24041
  34. http://www.conservapedia.com/Talk:Main_Page/archive20#Kevorkian_speaker
  35. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk:Aschlafly&diff=264521&oldid=264519]
  36. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Conservapedia_talk%3ADeletedpage&diff=243669&oldid=243667
  37. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Internet_Crime&diff=230644&oldid=230627
  38. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Liberal_friendship&diff=prev&oldid=395095
  39. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Main_Page&diff=next&oldid=422790 Burned, see here: http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Main_Page/archive54&oldid=429444#Princeton_University
  40. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Conservapedia_insights&diff=next&oldid=451474
  41. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Homeschooling&diff=next&oldid=459252
  42. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Conservapedia_talk:Lenski_dialog&diff=478662&oldid=478660
  43. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk:GBrown&diff=next&oldid=485044
  44. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=User_talk:Aschlafly&diff=next&oldid=533587
  45. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk%3AMain_Page&diff=597881&oldid=597865
  46. The pre-prepared by RW attendee's initial report is here
  47. We thank you, Dr. Lenski!
  48. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Essay:Status_Worship&oldid=593028
  49. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Liberal_logic&diff=next&oldid=388253
  50. http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Talk:Bill_Clinton&diff=311724&oldid=311714