Draft:WTF, Evolution?!

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Great and terrible
Books
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On our shelf:
Writer's block

"WTF, Evolution?! A Theory of Unintellegible Design" by Mara Grunbaum (ISBN 978-0-7611-0834-0) is a scrapbook-esque collection of some of the strangest-looking animals on the planet and the selective pressures that made them that way, along with copious amounts of snark. While it does anthropomorphize evolution for the sake of its gags, it does explain the ins and outs of the process extremely well as an introduction to the subject, making it worth a read on that basis alone.

Some choice passages[edit]

While we obviously can't reproduce the entire book without violating copyright laws, we can share or paraphrase a handful of the silliest entries. Trust us, there's even more where these came from.

  • Dalmatian pelican: This pelican looks like a urinal. Evolution, go home; you’re drunk.
  • Stalk-eyed fly: Evolution isn’t sure why you’re so obsessed with finding “aliens.” It already made the stalk-eyed fly.
  • Sharp-ribbed newt: A conversation between the narrator and Evolution about a newt that stabs its ribs through its skin to impale and deter predators leaves the narrator muttering "Oh my god." in shock.
  • Ocean sunfish: Hey, Evolution, do you think maybe you forgot something here? Like, I don’t know, the entire back half of the fish?
  • Regal horned lizard: The horned lizard fends off predatory coyotes by shooting three-foot streams of its own blood from its eye. Evolution, please seek psychiatric help.
  • Praying mantis: "Did Genetic Drift stop calling you back again?" "Love is dead."
  • Mirror spider: How would one go about arm-wrestling the carbon cycle, anyways?
  • Peacock mantis shrimp: Bullies gave Evolution a hard time, so it made a shrimp that can punch with enough force to vaporize water and generate shockwaves that crack open fish skulls. That'll show the hooligans.