Difference between revisions of "France"

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{{cquote|"It's French!" — "So is eating frogs, cruelty to geese, and urinating in the street, but that's no reason to inflict it on the rest of us."|||''Blackadder III''}}
 
 
 
[[Image:France_flag.gif|thumb|right|France's national flag.]]
 
[[Image:France_flag.gif|thumb|right|France's national flag.]]
 
'''La douce France''' is a country in western [[Europe]]. It is populated by <s>cheese eating surrender monkeys</s> French people, the national language is [[French]], and it has French food (cheese, bread, snails, horse, frog's legs and of course [[fun:Chocolate|Chocolate]], can't forget the chocolate), French houses, French cars, French [[Wine]] and other French stuff. They drive on the wrong side of the road (i.e. the right-hand side, not the left-hand side, which is, of course, the correct side of the road to drive on). It also has mimes, for readily apparent reasons, and the French have yet to heed the call of British author Terry Pratchett to "learn the bloody words". It has no French Fries or French Toast, although they do have French maids. Oo-er missus.
 
'''La douce France''' is a country in western [[Europe]]. It is populated by <s>cheese eating surrender monkeys</s> French people, the national language is [[French]], and it has French food (cheese, bread, snails, horse, frog's legs and of course [[fun:Chocolate|Chocolate]], can't forget the chocolate), French houses, French cars, French [[Wine]] and other French stuff. They drive on the wrong side of the road (i.e. the right-hand side, not the left-hand side, which is, of course, the correct side of the road to drive on). It also has mimes, for readily apparent reasons, and the French have yet to heed the call of British author Terry Pratchett to "learn the bloody words". It has no French Fries or French Toast, although they do have French maids. Oo-er missus.

Revision as of 06:58, 9 March 2010

Icon fun.svg For those of you in the mood, RationalWiki has a fun article about France.
File:France flag.gif
France's national flag.

La douce France is a country in western Europe. It is populated by cheese eating surrender monkeys French people, the national language is French, and it has French food (cheese, bread, snails, horse, frog's legs and of course Chocolate, can't forget the chocolate), French houses, French cars, French Wine and other French stuff. They drive on the wrong side of the road (i.e. the right-hand side, not the left-hand side, which is, of course, the correct side of the road to drive on). It also has mimes, for readily apparent reasons, and the French have yet to heed the call of British author Terry Pratchett to "learn the bloody words". It has no French Fries or French Toast, although they do have French maids. Oo-er missus.

France is blessed with such tyrannical deceitful monstrosities as universal health care[1], a (relatively) high incidence of atheists, and a tendency to be a founding member of things such as the European Union and the United Nations. They also have a remarkable tendency to ignore other countries, a technique that the United States has borrowed and refined. French diplomacy is exemplified by the word: "non". France also suffers from race relations problems that would make the KKK jealous.

France at war

France's national flag during wartime.

French and Indian War

France allied with Native Americans in the mid-18th century to fight the Brits over colonial possessions in North America. Ultimately, they lost what would become Canada, as well as numerous other interests. France then handed over the rights to the Louisiana Territory to Spain, an ally of the French, as compensation for Spain trading Florida to Britain for Cuba and a player to be named later.

World War I

During the Battle of Belleau Wood, the Americans had to fight through the retreating French to get to the Germans. As the Marines were fighting their way through the retreating French, one of the French commanders asked Marine Captain Lloyd Williams why he wasn't retreating. In response, the Marine replied, "Retreat, Hell! We just got here!"[2][3][4][5][6]

World War II

For the Nazi collaborationist regime, see Vichy France. While the Vichy regime ruled France from 1940 to 1944, Charles de Gaulle headed the Free French government in exile. Free French troops and underground anti-Nazi resistance within France helped drive the Vichy regime and Nazi occupation troops out of France starting with D-Day (June 6, 1944).

Persuasion

Most modern forms of torture were developed by the French in Indo-China (Paola Condor) and Algeria (Philippeville), where their soldiers proved their mettle at fighting opponents tied to a chair, although faring less well against those running around shooting back - a task traditionally left to the Foreign (i.e., not French) Legion, or to "Les Anglo-Saxons" as in Afghanistan - or France. (1940,1944)

Naval accomplishments

In 1985 French agents sank Greenpeace's ship Rainbow Warrior in Auckland, New Zealand where it was waiting for other ships and boats prior to sailing to Mururoa Atoll in the Pacific to protest French nuclear tests (remember that this was when Greenpeace was still a respectable environmentalist group rather than a thinly veiled anti-everything movement). One man was killed.[7] This naval victory represents more ships sunk by the French than at Trafalgar, the Nile, Quiberon Bay, Saint's Passage, Chesapeake Bay, Vigo, Glorious First of June, Finisterre, Ushant (First and Second), La Hogue, and the Second World War --- combined.

Blowing things up

France conducted its last atomic test[8] in 1996. France has never actually used its nuclear arsenal in anger. However, France's peacetime use of nuclear power is extensive, a massive 75% of its electricity is nuclear in origin [9].

Iraq War

To the disappointment of many Republicans, France strongly opposed Bush's invasion of Iraq from the start. Like Germany, France did not send troops to Iraq.

For this reason American Republicans didn't like France for a time and tried to rename French Fries to "freedom fries" as a punishment. As nowhere outside of America (except Finland and Iceland) seems to call them french fries, no one really noticed.

French traits

French women (and to a large extent, men) have a terrific sense of fashion, which explains why many fashion houses have grown and prospered there. It should,however, be noted that French women are apparently averse to depilation of the axilla.

France has laws to maintain the "purity of the language".[10] [11] As well as an entire Academy devoted to keeping the language free of such annoyances as "Web" "CD" and "ROM". It should be noted, however, that French people use "Web", "CD" and "ROM" basically with a typical sense of French "I fart in your general direction" to the Academy.

French exports and inventions

At one time the words wine, whine and France were almost synonymous, but anywhere with a temperate climate can now out-produce them in both quantity and quality.

No, French fries weren't invented there. (That was Belgium.) Or croissants (Austria), but they did invent the largely defensive weapon of Guillotine.

Famous Francians

Important French people include:

  • André-Marie Ampère
  • Joan of Arc (does "Arc" count as a last name?) a/k/a Jehanne Darc. Her feast is on 16 May.
  • Astérix
  • Simone Beck
  • M. Bigot
  • Napoléon Bonaparte (not exactly French)
  • M. Chauvin
  • Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau
  • Marie and Pierre Curie (Marie Curie - born in Poland)
  • Georges-Auguste Escoffier
  • Victor Hugo
  • Marcel Marceau
  • Blaise Pascal
  • Louis Pasteur
  • Pepé Le Pew
  • Jean-Luc Picard
  • Jean-Marie Le Pen
  • Marquis de Sade
  • Jean-Paul Sartre
  • Zinedine Zidane
  • Donatien Alphonse Francoise, Marquis de Sade

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc, or Jeanne D'Arc as the French insist on misspelling her name, is the French national symbol of resistance to foreign tyranny. She was killed by the English after the French Burgundians sold her to them.[12]

France is a beautiful country ruined by its inhabitants

Susan Garlick 1967, repeated often thereafter.

The British electronic band Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark also wrote two songs about her - you know, the waltzy one with the bagpipes and all the drums, and the uhm other one.

Dunno why they wrote two songs about her - one would have done....

Footnotes

  1. The French have a strange obsession with delivering medicaments per annum: suppositories are the favoured method of delivery.
  2. http://shootingmessengers.blogspot.com/2007/06/retreat-hell-we-just-got-here.html
  3. http://www.usmchangout.com/usmc/misc/quotes.htm
  4. http://www.usmchangout.com/usmc/misc/quotes.htm
  5. http://spec.lib.vt.edu/archives/databook/text/chap2/2_11.htm Williams was promptly KIA, but on the plus side, got a posthumous promotion to Major and a building on the Virginia Tech campus named after him.
  6. Of course, the French lost more soldiers in WWI than America lost in all of its wars combined. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
  7. BBC report on Rainbow Warrior
  8. France & The Bomb
  9. http://www.world-nuclear.org/info/inf40.html
  10. France - French Language Law
  11. Workplace language law
  12. It's... complicated.