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A while ago, Andrew Schlafly, Lord Protector of Conservapedia, put together an essay trumpeting the values of "chivalry."
More recently, however, Mr. Schlafly has been trumpeting the conservative value of woman-slapping.img Of course, since everything Mr. Schlafly says is completely infallible, this casts grave doubts on the validity of interpreting this essay in the straightforward, literal manner. A more fanciful interpretation is needed to reconcile Mr. Schlafly's support for chivalry with his support for woman-slapping.
In this side-by-side, I provide such an interpretation.
[edit] Interpretation
| Teenagers (and adults) would benefit from a bit more chivalry in their behavior. For students, here are some suggested guidelines:
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Lugs up, you little s***s; here's how you can brown-nose the Wiki brass and get ahead.
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| 1. When you see a girl carrying something heavy, offer to carry it for her.
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Remember, girls are all weaklings who need men's help to tote feathers. Pay no attention if they object to your help; infirma mens in infirmo corpore, after all.
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| 2. Stand up when a girl or woman enters the room.
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Women love to be the center of attention.
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| 3. Speak in a respectful manner in front of a girl.
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But everyone else is fair game for disrespect, including liberals (even the females of the species).
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| 4. Be appreciative when girls bake cookies for the entire class.
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On the other hand, if a boy bakes some, beat him up for being a fruit.
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| 5. Compliment girls (appropriately).
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On the other hand it's inappropriate to compliment a girl when she does an unwomanly thing, such as using her brain.
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| 6. Refrain from staring, commenting or whistling at attractive girls.
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But keep in mind that if unattractive girls complain about being whistled at, they are politically correct radical feminazis whose liberal bias needs to be purged.
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| 7. Open doors for girls.
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You can't expect a girl to push open a door on her own; she might break a nail!
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| 8. If on a date with a young lady, behave with respect and decorum.
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Don't take a girl into a lovers' lane; really big sins happen back there.
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| 9. Offer to purchase tickets or meals for girls, and develop a work ethic to provide money for that.
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Girls never ought to >ugh!< pull their own financial weight.
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| 1. Put your superior social skills to good use by welcoming others.
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Girls, you have the wherewithal to tease men's socks off; use it and you'll get a husband quicker.
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| 2. Do not attempt to embarrass a boy, as in trying to beat him in arm-wrestling or bragging that you did better on a test.
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Uppity girls who try to be equal to men need a good smack-down.
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| 3. When a boy does help you, as in carrying something or opening a door, thank him.
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Thou shalt be grateful for the crumbs that drop from thy Lord and Master's table.
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| 4. Avoid gossip.
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The only appropriate gossip is about liberals. One has to read about liberals to gossip about them and that might poison a girl's pretty little head. Therefore, gossip is to be left to the men.
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| 5. Dress modestly, not provocatively or suggestively.
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Girls should, preferably, be dressed in so much clothing that they can't run away too fast, or in general do anything except sit around and make non-gossipy chatter.
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| 6. Avoid profanity.
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But it is, of course, perfectly all right for a man to break the Third Commandment, especially in conversation to a liberal.
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| 7. Only agree to date those boys of whom your parents have approved.
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Remember, girls, you're the property of your father until you become the property of your husband.
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[edit] See also