“”Evangelicals have the best sex life of any group.
|—Ted Haggard|
“”I just did meth with him we never had sex.
|—Ted Haggard|
Ted Haggard was the heterosexual head of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado. In 2007 Haggard was exposed as a methamphetamine user and a regular customer of Denver's male prostitutes, even though he's not gay. We must assume that money the faithful gave him was never used in this way. After a month of intensive "therapy", he was pronounced "100% heterosexual" and announced that he was going for a master's degree at the University of Phoenix. He is not gay, seriously.
The reason Ted Haggard chose the homosexual lifestyle (but he's not gay) is that Satan has a presence in the Church, which is why people can still have impure thoughts in church. Even though Satan can find his way into the Church, rest assured, there is no way that Satan found his way into the Bible long ago and twisted the whole book, because the Bible says so: Every word of God is pure: He is a shield unto them that put their trust in Him. He is not gay.
 New Life Church
Ted Haggard founded the New Life Church in 1984. Locals often refer to it as "6 Flags Over Jesus" due to its enormous size and bizarrely large number of flags out front. Attendance has been very down since Ted's fall from grace (even though he is not gay).
Rev. Haggard has apparently left the "restoration" process after three weeks, because he's totally not gay. He has been advised to seek secular work and is studying to be a counsellor. We must pity his secular victims. He's not gay.
In 2007 Haggard begged the gullible public for money to finance himself and his wife while studying online and moved with her into rehabilitation. He asked donations to be sent to a tax exempt organisation that was dissolved several months previously. His resources include:
- $85,000 anniversary bonus given before the scandal,
- $115,000 for the 10 months he worked,
- $138,000 in severance,
- $700,000 for the
hovelmansion where he lives,
- Unknown amount in royalties for the morally uplifting books he wrote.
 Post-scandal career
After losing his credibility and the possibility of continuation for his ministerial career, Haggard has had to build a new life for himself in the secular world, despite not being gay. The path he seems to have chosen, according to his personal website, is the shady world of life insurance sales. His business model bears a scary resemblance to pyramid selling and other such get-rich-quick scams out there on the internet, proving once and for all that life in the church really does give you an education in parting the gullible from their cash. By the way, he's not gay.
Scandals aside, there is good evidence that Mr. Haggard was an extremely bad, though non-gay, man. When meeting with a ten-year-old with aspirations of becoming a Christian preacher, Haggard mocked the child's speaking skills, informing the child that he could trade on his youth and enthusiasm until he gained some "real material."
By sheer coincidence, Ted Haggard is also the lovely, heterosexual and slightly opinionated preacher who briefly appeared and was interviewed by Richard Dawkins in the documentary The Root of All Evil, which was filmed in early 2006 before the scandal. Also he's not gay.
 He's not gay
Seriously, he's not.
 See also
- Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual
- Love Letter to Ted Haggard
- Youtube: the Meth and Man-Ass revival song.