Suicide

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Buk put it best: "Something is in me that I can't control. I can never drive my car over a bridge without thinking of suicide. I can never look at a lake or an ocean without thinking of suicide. I mean, I won't linger on it all. But it will flash on me: SUICIDE. Like a light going on. In the darkness. That there is an out helps you stay in. Get it? Otherwise, it could only be madness. And that's no fun, buddy. And whenever I get off a good poem, that's another crutch to keep me going. I don't know about other people, but when I bend over to put on my shoes in the morning, I think, Christ- oh-mighty, now what? I'm screwed by life, we don't get along. I have to take little bites out of it, not the whole thing. It's like swallowing buckets of shit. I am never surprised that the madhouses and jails are full and that the streets are full. I like to look at my cats, they chill me out. They make me feel all right. Don't put me in a roomful of humans, though. Don't ever do that. Especially on a holiday. Don't do it."

Nebuchadnezzar (talk)03:09, 25 November 2011

Good description of it. It's there, and I could, but I don't want to.

There's some unearthly draw that requires you to think about it sometimes... I like to pass it off as that same annoying voice that says "OMFG!! A BLACK PERSON!! DON'T SAY SOMETHING RACIST" DON'T SAY SOMETHING RACIST!" It's equally automatic. And equally painful to realise you have. What if I don't hand that KCN vial over but just shove it in my mouth? But maybe this is there for a reason, to keep you some kind of sane.

Scarlet A.pngsshole03:14, 25 November 2011

That's it. You're definitely getting a care package.Though I too hear the voice sometimes.

Тytalk03:47, 25 November 2011

Oh, it's not that bad. I've come to the conclusion that everyone hears the voice; the trick is in how you cope with it.

Scarlet A.pngtheist13:42, 25 November 2011

I used to cope via the suicide = hell trick, now I cope with the "oblivion" trick. You still need something before you get scurvy.

Тytalk14:36, 25 November 2011

What do you mean before I get it?

Scarlet A.pngmoral14:45, 25 November 2011

Yep, definitely getting you some fruit. And cookies. Esp. given your most recent thought.

Тytalk14:47, 25 November 2011

Clarifying again, it's not a suicide note! It's just the scary thought that if I did become suicidal, I'd undoubtedly be very successful at it.

Scarlet A.pnggnostic14:51, 25 November 2011

No, you're Buy Nothing day one. And the scurvy.

Тytalk14:54, 25 November 2011

Ah, of course. I have just been paid today, ironic considering it's buy nothing day. And I of course didn't actually buy anything. Though once I can afford to drink again, I'll be fine.

Scarlet A.pngd hominem02:23, 26 November 2011

Uh huh...

Тytalk02:24, 26 November 2011

Yeah, my rapid weight loss is entirely due to the fact that I used to put in 2-3 stiff and proper drinking sessions in each week. Now it's about 1 per month. Though if I can get some more white sugar these egg-free cookies are probably going to be the death of me, it just doesn't work with whatever this brown stuff is.

Scarlet A.pngnarchist02:32, 26 November 2011

Eyebrow.gif

Тytalk02:38, 26 November 2011

Seriously, these cookies are awesome. But you really have to underdo them, but it's one idiot proof way of basically making caramel.

Scarlet A.pngmoral02:49, 26 November 2011

I'll have to try them, they do look good.

Тytalk02:54, 26 November 2011

They're something that needs experimentation to see what ratio of the sugars you prefer. Too much brown sends them more in the direction of a brandy snap, too much white leaves them pale and uninteresting but far softer and smoother. But what the hell do I know about cooking? I just make shit up as I go.

Scarlet A.pngtheist02:57, 26 November 2011

Dude, I make sausage meat-cream cheese-cayenne pepper pan fry. And crabmeat-egg-cayenne pepper pan fry. And Vietnamese short rib soup, for some damn reason. Unless it is grilling or pasta, it is all a grand experiment. I've not been sick yet. I should give recipe-space some more love.

Тytalk03:04, 26 November 2011

Cream cheese is far more versatile than people give it credit for!

Scarlet A.pnggnostic03:38, 26 November 2011

Lox and cream cheese, duck around a cream cheese filler with bits of Jalepeno and bacon, the aforementioned dish, cream cheese on crackers, salmon dip. Use like glue.

Тytalk03:42, 26 November 2011
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Mucho Hugs to thee! But I have that voice a lot. Example: Ooh. Red Light. I really want to see what happens if I just keep going instead of the brake. Would it hurt? Maybe. But how bad? LET'S TRY!...Wait. No. If I do that maybe someone else would get hurt. And what if I stay alive and just end up crippled. Shit...then I'd really end up wanting to die. -siiigh- Nevermind then.

Dumpling (talk)04:34, 25 November 2011

That's the interesting thing, if you could do something bad to yourself without affecting others then that would be a completely different decision to make, wouldn't it? So the idea that it's fine to blow yourself apart on drugs because it's "just you" is on shaky ground because how do you know that you're just going to affect yourself? We interact, we have contacts, we all exert influence on someone else whether we like it or not. Now, I wouldn't go as far as to say not topping yourself is part of the implicit social contract, but... well I suppose I am trying to imply that.

Scarlet A.pngtheist13:47, 25 November 2011

Exactly. I have many dear family members and friends that would probably resurrect me then kill me a good couple of times from probably committing suicide in the first place. And mostly, I'm too curious of a person to commit suicide. Like...WHAT IF SOMEONE COMES TO MY DOOR WITH A BASKET OF PAINTBRUSHES!? I'm going to miss that! Or that random college student running around campus in a banana suit. I'm going to miss that too. DARN! I'm too easily entertained by the small things that killing myself doesn't seem quite worth it.

Dumpling (talk)19:58, 26 November 2011
 
 
 

For what it's worth, the thing that pulled me back from the edge time and time again was the knowlege of what my suicide would do to my mother. She died a few years back so nowadays it's the knowlege of what it would do to my wife and son. If it were just me.... but I can't be that selfish.

Bad Faith (talk)13:49, 25 November 2011

It's also just fucking boring. I'd rather develop a nasty heroine addiction or anything more depressing than ... just nothing.

Nutty Roux100x100 anarchy symbol.svg14:57, 25 November 2011

There's nothing wrong with having a heroine addiction... although admittedly I am torn between Wonder Woman and Invisible Woman...

PsyGremlinTal!15:00, 25 November 2011