Fun:Boycott jokes

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As we celebrate the Olympic traditions of the Ancient Greeks by spending the next couple of weeks running around naked and working up a sweat, the following page is provided as a public service. Please add your favorites, and nominate worthy entries for the RW Bronze, Silver or Goat medal...

The long joke[edit]

Round 1[edit]

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38Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews of Rome had to leave Italy. The Jewish community was devastated, but their pleas seemed to fall on deaf ears. Then, a miracle happened: The Pope agreed to enter into a debate with a representative of the Jewish community. If the Jewish representative won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

There was just one problem: Not one leader of the Jewish community was willing to take on this awesome responsibility. Each one felt unworthy of the challenge. Finally, one person stepped forward: Moishele, the street sweeper. However, Moishele said, "I am not a man of words; I sweep streets for a living. So I will debate the Pope only if we can communicate silently. Amazingly, the Pope agreed to this strange condition.

On the chosen day, the square was packed with onlookers. At its center was a platform. On one side sat the Pope; other the other side, Moishele.

The two men faced each other silently for one full minute. Then the Pope raised three fingers above his head. A moment later, Moishele raised one finger skyward.

Next the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishele pointed one finger to the ground.

Then the Pope lifted up a cup of wine and a wafer. Moishele pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared, "I give up. The Jews can stay."

Pandemonium.

The Pope’s entourage was stunned. "What happened?" they asked. The Pope replied, "No matter what I presented, that fellow had an answer. First, I held up three fingers to represent our belief in the Trinity. And he held up one finger, to remind me that there is one God common to both our faiths.

"Then I waved my hand above my head to indicate that God is everywhere. And he pointed to the ground to show that God is also right here with us.

"Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. And he pulled out an apple to remind us of the original sin. What could I do? He won the debate fair and square."

Meanwhile, the Jews surrounded Moishele. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishele, "First, the Pope said, ‘You Jews have to be out of here in three days.’ And I said, ’Not one of us is leaving!’ Then he said, ‘You Jews are going to be scattered like the dust of the earth!’ And I said, ‘We’re staying right here!’"

"And then what?" someone called out.

"I don’t know," said Moishele. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
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5A man walks into a bar at the top of the Empire State building and sits down next to a man who's already had a few too many. As the new customer orders his first beer, the man at the bar leans over and says "Hey, I've got a secret for you. If you open that window over there and jump out, you'll fall about 30 stories but then the wind will catch you and you'll float back up and end up back in the bar safe and sound." The new customer didn't believe the man at the bar, so he walked over to the window, opened it up, and jumped out. The new customer could hardly watch as the man fell, but just as he had said he fell for 30 stories and then slowed to a hover and rose back up through the air and back into the window and landed safe and sound back in the bar. The man couldn't believe it and said "I have to try this!" and jumped out. He fell straight to the ground and splattered all over the street. The bartender said "You know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk, Superman!"
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19A local United Way office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least "500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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17A priest and a rabbi are playing golf. The rabbi's doing reasonably well, when suddenly, on the ninth hole, he misses an easy putt. "Damnit, I missed!" he shouts. The priest reprimands him: "You shouldn't swear. God might get angry at you." The rabbi accepts this minor rebuke, and regains his cool. On the 13th hole, he misses another easy putt. "Damnit, I missed!" he shouts again. Once again the priest reminds, "You shouldn't swear. God might smite you if you keep it up." The rabbi agrees to try to keep his cool. Finally, on the eighteenth hole, the rabbi misses the an easy putt and loses by a stroke to the priest. "Damnit, I missed!" he shouts. The priest is about to chide him a third time when a lighting bolt comes out of the sky and strikes the priest. A loud voice booms from the sky, "Damnit, I missed!"
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6 Three statisticians decided to go deer hunting, so they gather up their gear and trek off into the woods. After a while the trio comes across a deer browsing in the forest. The first statistician takes a shot at the deer and misses by ten foot to the right. The second statistician takes his shot and misses by ten foot to the left. The third statistician looks at the deer and then looks at his two companions and says "Hey, I hit him!"
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2One Sunday morning, Andy was driving back home from church in his SUV when he noticed two Mexicans by the road side eating grass. He stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, well come along with me then." said Andy. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But senor, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for such a large vehicle. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." Andy replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"
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-17A priest was driving along a deserted country road one day when he came across a little girl crying by the side of the road next to a cliff. He stopped his car to get out and ask the child what the matter was, and where her family were. She said: "I just got out of the car to pick some flowers while Ma and Pa prepared the picnic in the car, when there was a problem and the car rolled off the cliff and into the sea. Now I'm all alone in the world with nobody to take care of me." The priest was silent for a moment, then he said "Just not your day, is it?" as he started to take off his cassock.
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17George W Bush unexpectedly drops into a nursing home on his way home from church one Sunday. The Matron of the home hurriedly gathers all the residents in the large day room to meet the President. George starts walking amongst the old folk, chatting about good times and past times. He sits himself down next to Ethel, 98 years old. "Do you know who I am, Ethel?" George asks the old lady. "No," Ethel replies, "but if you ask Matron she'll tell you!"

Round 2[edit]

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15One day, a truck driver is driving down the road and comes upon a hitchiking priest. Wanting to be seen as a good samaritan to the priest, he picks him up and they continue along to the priests church several miles away. Soon, the driver indulges in a cigarette and the priest says "My son, by indulging in that cigarette you are increasing the gap between you and the lord. Stop it." So the truck driver stops smoking the cigarette and they continue driving. Soon the driver almost hits a deer on the road, and curses. The priest says to him "My son, by taking the lords name in vain you are sinning. Stop it." As they continue on, the priest sees the driver looking at seductive women on the side of the road and says "My son, by looking at these women you are committing adultery upon your wife. Stop it." Soon, the driver begins to drift off and sleep. The truck slowly moves to the side of the road and the driver awakens just in time to see a lawyer standing on the shoulder of the road and violently jerks the steering wheel to avoid him, but hears a gigantic "thud" as he drives past. Fearing the worst, he says to the priest "Forgive me father, for I almost hit that lawyer on the side of the road." The priest looks at the truck driver smiling and says "That's okay my son. I got him with the door."
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1A famous French scientist is examining the nervous system of the common frog. He spends five months training a frog to hop on command: "Hoppez!" il dit, and the frog hops. Now he gets out his scalpel and chops off part of the frog's cerebral cortex. "Hoppez!" il dit, and the frog hops. He chops off part of the frog's brainstem. Again, "Hoppez!" il dit, and the frog hops. He chops off the frog's front legs. Again, "Hoppez!", and the frog hops. Now he chops off the frog's back legs. "Hoppez!" il dit — but the frog does not move. The scientist studiously records in his journal: "When the back legs of the frog are cut off, he becomes unable to hear."
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14It's the 1980s, and Margaret Thatcher is walking past the Houses of Parliament. She sees a beggar, and just as she moves to hit him with her handbag, she sees his sign: "Falklands veteran". "oh how sad" she says, and gives him £5 from her purse. The beggar then says, "Muchas gracias."
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24In the early days of the Iraq war, George W. Bush was informed that "two Brazilian soldiers were killed today". Bush turned white, he loosened his tie while swear poured down his face, he began to pace back and forth along the oval office while mumbling "two brazilian... two brazilian..." His staffers looked at him with worry, "Mr. President, while it's a very tragic event, aren't you overreacting?" Bush looked at them with a terrified face, "remind me again how many is a brazilian?"
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21George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
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21A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex viz you."

"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn, I am little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make the love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze.... four-sprung Duck technique. "
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21Once there was a man who was an extremely devout Christian. He believed firmly in the power of prayer. If something bad happened, he prayed for help. If something good happened, he prayed in thanks. If he had to make a choice, he prayed for guidance. He prayed on behalf of his friends, his relatives, and people he met on the Internet.

Nevertheless, he had problems. He worked like a dog, yet he never had quite enough money to pay the bills and was deeply in debt. His wife was irritable and sickly and had been making him sleep on the couch since the late eighties. His college-age daughter was flunking half her classes and only called home when she wanted money, and his high school age son was flunking all his classes and spent a most of his time in his room smoking things that smelled odd. One day the Christian got down on his knees and poured his heart out. "Oh Lord, You know that I'm devoted to You. I make time every single day for prayer. Yet my financial life's a mess, my marriage is a mess, my kids are a mess. My next-door neighbor is an atheist, and he has a great job, a lovely, devoted wife, and a daughter who's going to be class valedictorian. What's the deal?"

And God, with a voice like thunder from the sky, said, "He doesn't bother me all the time."
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19An Orthodox Jewish husband and wife were raising their son with a traditional Jewish upbringing. All his life, he seemed to love the Jewish faith, and never gave any inclination of doubt in the veracity of Judaism. When he went off to college, his parents weren't worried, convinced that his strong Jewish faith would continue throughout college. However, when the son returned home for Thanksgiving his first year, he told his parents that he had converted to Chrisitianity. The father became very distraught, and began to pray to God.

"Oh God," he said, "what should I do? My son went off into the world a Jew and returned to me a Christian."

God replies back, "Tell me about it."
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11Sadly, Bob was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was interesting, but at the end of the interview, Bob asked him,

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

Bob did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Bob again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Bob was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered,

"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Bob was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!!"

Round 3[edit]

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3A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Alternate punch line: (with less screaming in the cab) cabby says "The usual motel, Dave?"

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9A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t appear to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator; "We're out in the middle of nowehere and my friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says; "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line.

He says: "OK, now what?"
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13 An 18 year-old girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You shag her again.'
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7Three Texan surgeons playing a round of golf. As they're walking down the fairway, they strike up a conversation and the first surgeon says, " I reckon I'm the best surgeon in the world". The other two enquire why and the first surgeon says, "I had a patient brought to me recently who had lost both his hands in an industrial accident. I sewed them back on and today that man has an audience to play the piano for Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth". The second surgeon scoffs at this and says,"that's nothing. Why I had a patient who lost both his arms in an automobile accident and I sewed them back on. At the last Olympic Games that man won a Gold Medal in the field events". The third surgeon says, "That's nothing. Several years ago a cowboy, high on alcohol and drugs, was riding his horse down a railroad track and collided with an oncoming express train. All I had to work with was the horse's arse and a cowboy hat. Today that man is President of the USA."
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5A lawyer boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane and realised she was heading straight towards him and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States' He swallowed hard .. here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen - sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your role at this convention business or pleasure?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?' 'Well,' she explained, ' one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.' Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.' 'Tonto,' the man said... 'Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy.'
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17Four business men go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, while the other three are discussing their children on their way to the first tee.

"My son Jason," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Wayne's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Nathan, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, John's been a hairdresser, and just recently I discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
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12A woman whose husband had just died went to the mortuary to make arrangements with the mortician. He noted that her departed husband looked good in the black suit he was wearing when the body was brought in.

"Harry always looked his best when he wore a blue suit. I'd like it very much if you could get him the best blue suit you can find," the widow said and handed the mortician a blank check, "whatever it costs (plus your expenses, of course)."

The next day the widow found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "You've exceeded my expectations! Harry hasn't looked this good in years! You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. And that beautiful suit! I noticed it's an Armani."

"Yes," the mortician said, "and it was free," as he handed back her blank check.

"Free? How so?" she asked.

"You see," the man started, "a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He had that attractive blue suit on. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"I see," said the widow.

"Yeah," said the mortician, "so I simply switched heads!"

The short joke[edit]

Heat 1[edit]

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-11A special Olympic joke then.

Q: Why did the Chinese family cross the road?
A: Because the government violently evicted them from their home in order to demolish it, and seize the land for their new stadium, and if they'd stayed and protested, they would have been arrested and brutally beaten in prison.

Hilarious.
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8Howzabout a medical joke?

Man walks into his doctor's office, he hasn't been feeling well. Doctor sends him for a battery of tests, and asks him to come back after. When the man does, the doctor says "It's bad news, you don't have long."
Man's obviously take aback by this, and asks, "How long have I got?" Doctor replies, "You've got five."
Man says "Five what? Years? Months?"

Doctor says "Four..."
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11My girlfriend went to the doctor, complaining about severe stomach cramps.
During the examination, he asked her if she was sexually active.
"No," she replied, "I just lie there..."
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10A doctor, at a party, is approached by a friend. "Doc, I have a stomach cramp, and it won't go away, no matter what I do!" says the hapless partier. The doctor whips out his prescription pad, instantly diagnosing the condition, and hands him the script: "take two. You'll be fine by the morning."
The doctor thinks, all of a sudden: "shoot. I should have charged him for that." Turning to his friend, the lawyer, he asks, "what do you think?" The lawyer answers: "I would've charged for it!" The doctor nods, and draws up a bill for $25.
Three days later, the doctor receives a strange letter in the mail. He opens it: "One Hour, Misc. Legal Services: $3,000."
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-2Two old men are sitting in deckchairs, enjoying the sunshine.
First Old Man: "Nice out, today, isn't it?"
Second Old Man: "Yes. I think I'll take mine out, too."
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-3I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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7I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Heat 2[edit]

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7Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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-22A drunk walked into a bar and said "ouch!" Select the "blank" space for a hint --> The drunk actually walks into a bar, like an iron bar. <-- end blank space
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-6You know what I don't get about water polo? How do they teach the horses to swim?
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4Q: "How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who gives a fuck?
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2Why did the cheerleader go to church?
(With arms held out in crucifixtion position) Because she heard that they had a guy hung like this there.
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3One day, Moses was out in the wilderness shepherding his flock, when he saw a bush that was burning but was not consumed. Moses heard God speak through the bush, "APPROACH ME." Moses begins to walk towards the bush. "WAIT," said God, "TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES TO APPROACH ME." Unquestioning, Moses removed his shoes. He moved closer to the bush. "Ouch, that's hot!" he exclaimed. "THIRD ONE TODAY."
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3You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
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8A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?
"No, because he's really heavy"

Heat 3[edit]

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11A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barbers chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies, "I'm gonna get tits too."
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14One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about sexual harassment and storms off.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
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11A man walked into a pub and asked the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gave him one.
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12Q. Why are there no Jewish sysops on Conservapedia?
A. Because you need to be a complete dick.
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-1We call our grandad "Spiderman". He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.
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3I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
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5'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
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4How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Let's ride bikes!"

Heat 4[edit]

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-4A cow drank a bottle of ink:
Mood Indigo.
(Sorry - I've a weakness for poor puns)
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2Q. What do you call a giraffe with no eyes?
A. A graffe


The Pole vault[edit]

The Pole Dane vault

Recognizing that most countries tell jokes about how dumb their neighbours are, this category is for dumb neighbouring country jokes. To avoid giving offence please pile opprobrium on the Danes. (As the happiest nation they are probably best able to cope with gratuitous mockery.)

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11Walking around the Olympic village, I spotted a man carrying a long, thin beam on his shoulder.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked

"Nein," he replied, "I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
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1Q: How many Danes does it take to explain Catholic theology to PZ Myers via RationalWiki?
A: More than one, apparently. Have a cracker?
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1Breaking news from Beijing: Tragedy strikes the first-ever Danish water polo team as all the horses drown during a practice session...
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8Two Danes emigrated to America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Did you know they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I did not know that." "Well, If we're going to live here, we might as well learn to eat like Americans." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Dane looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other Dane and asked, "What part did you get?"

Finally, a "proper" Danish joke.

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7En læge fortæller en patient, at hun er dødeligt syg og kun har seks måneder tilbage.

"Er der slet ikke noget, jeg kan gøre?", spørger den chokerede patient.

"Jo", siger lægen. "Gift dig med en advokat, så bliver det de længste seks måneder i dit liv!"

Random jokes from people who don't know how to use headers[edit]

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-3I never realised just how bad crime in South Africa was, until I listened to a recent sports bulletin:
"Today at Lords, South African bowlers took 7 English wickets. Police are investigating and expect to make arrests shortly..."
Seriously, or humourouslouy, what is Danish about that? ħumanUser talk:Human 04:38, 10 August 2008 (EDT)
Tenuous link - Oli Mortensen used to play cricket for Derbyshire? --PsyGremlinWhut? 04:45, 10 August 2008 (EDT)
Oh well there you go! Wait... ħumanUser talk:Human 04:59, 10 August 2008 (EDT)
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-2Someone also stole all the toilets out of the police station. The police report that they have nothing to go on.
Seriously, what is Danish about that? ħumanUser talk:Human 04:38, 10 August 2008 (EDT)
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-1A hole suddenly appeared in the road. The police are looking into it.
Some of these, seriously, belong in the "short joke" section above. What is specifically Danish about klumsy kops? ħumanUser talk:Human 03:12, 12 August 2008 (EDT)

Surreal Jokes[edit]

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0Q:Six semen stained-glass windows went shopping but only a liter turned yellow. Where did the raven fly? A:Graham cracker wheelbarrow with a twist!
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9Q: What's white and would kill you if it jumped out of a tree onto you? A: A fridge.
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2Q: What's blue and white and swings through the jungle? A: A fridge in a denim jacket.
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5Q: How is an elephant like a grape? A: They're both purple. Except for the elephant.
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0Q: How does an elephant get up an oak tree? A: It sits on an acorn and waits.
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0Q: Why did the elephant jump out of the oak tree? A: It thought it was a fridge.