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Contextitis is a recently-discovered epidemic among the world today. It afflicts people of all races, backgrounds, and beliefs, but runs especially rampant in politicians and Christian conservatives. This phenomenon baffles microbiologists and psychologists alike. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, or NAMBLA, stated during a press conference about their discovery that:

"This disease has been with us since the dawn of written history, when man first started to quote other man. It is becoming increasingly prevalent in our society and dangerous as it grows in severity among talk show hosts and politicians. There is a possibility that this disease could be spread from the ink used to print bibles. It is a mental disability similar to dyslexia that causes the reader or listener to pick out words and phrases that are relevant to their own world view, and combine them to create quotes that are completely different, sometimes adding information that is completely non-related to the quote."

In a response, the Christian Coalition of America said:

"The CDC is a liberal, anti-Christian hate group that believes, 'Christian conservatives have a mental disability,' and that 'men loving other men is okay.' "

To best explain how this disease works, here is an example of how someone afflicted with disease might see this Barack Obama quote:

"If you actually took the number of Muslim Americans, we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world...So there has to be grounds for a better dialogue"

This translates in the person's head as, "America is a Muslim country."

Treatment and Prevention[edit]

Contextitis is very difficult to treat, and involves years of intensive therapy and alcohol/drug prevention programs. There is research being done into methods of preventing the onset of the disease, including increased educational standards. It is possible that the disease could be caused by genetics, in which case we must stop these people from breeding. The easiest way to achieve this would be to legalize same-sex marriage, thus making the Christians feel like marriage is no longer sacred. Since they will no longer be getting married, they can't have sex, and thus the problem will be solved.