Fun:History

History is whatever happened in the past since people began writing shit down. As languages change over time, as we go further back, things get more garbled, biased, confused, et cetera, to the point where what we see is nowhere near what what the hell actually happened.

The Completely (Un)True History of the World

Before the Romans

As every schoolchild knows, the earth began with the Big Bang, which wiped out all the dinosaurs and left Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The garden was filled with apple trees. Eve liked apples, and one day, she had one. God, being very particular about his fruit, kicked Adam and Eve out of Heaven, where they landed in Noah's Ark. Earth was flooded, because Moses had left the water running. After the Flood, Adam and Eve were given the task of repopulating the earth. Their thousands of children were later known as the Romans.

The Romans

The most famous Roman was Roman Polanski, who directed Spartacus in the popular movie "Kirk Douglas". Another famous Roman was Julius Caesar, famous for wearing two freshly trimmed hedges around his head every day to his death. His death was quite spectacular, by the way: literally backstabbed by his best friend Brutus, who was jealous as the best thing Brutus ever invented was the orbital sander. Caesar's last words were, "Et tu Brute?" (And you, Brutus?), to which Brutus replied, "Uh... yeah."

Jesus of Nazareth

Around the same time, another important event occurred. That's right: it's the birth of Jesus! As anyone who went to a school of Nativity will know, there was Jesus and Mary and Joseph, and, uh, some shepherds, and three wise men, with hats, and gold and incense and hemp, and Maria Kary singing a song. It was huge! Jesus became a carpenter, spreading the word of Christianity and cutting down prices on furniture. If you want more information on Jesus, try reading the Bible, or if you want even more garbled fantasy, then go to your local church.

Intermission The Middle Ages

The Romans kind of hung around in Britain for a while before going back to Italy to leave the English and Scottish to duke it out amongst themselves. This went on until the famous Scottish king John Conley made his legendary speech:

"Yes, my Scottish chums. Why do we want to go to England? It's full of the bloody English!"

He and the leading actor at the time, Moe Gibson, single-handedly built Hadrian's Wall, so they could keep all the rain to themselves. After this, history gets a little boring for a while. Nothing happens, nothing happens, while I'm rattling off all the boring shit no one cares about, just curl up and take a nap.

Three hours later....'

The British Empire

Finally, something happens! Christopher Columbus has discovered America!

"Uh, uh, here it is!" ~Christopher Columbus

The British then want America for themselves. The Americans then turn on the British, telling them to go away. And they do! They apologize for their brutish behaviour on their way out, saying things like "Toodlepip!" and "Terribly sorry!" The Americans then set up shop on their own, writing a Constitution which includes the right to bear arms. However, very few Americans choose to have arms like a bear. 200-ish years later, some EVIL people will attempt to take away this right! Anyway, Britain and America teamed up, and over the next few years, the Industrial Revolution happened. Fred Diviner invented the steam engine, the Wright brothers invented the airplane, and Jimmy Savlon invented antiseptic cream.

Having already had a taste for colonizing places, and not wanting to be left behind, the British then began a new wave of colonization. At one point, the British owned one-third of the earth. In the words of Queen Victoria,

"I don't care who dies. The main thing is that the map is a nice shiny British red."

The Fall of the Empire

The fall of the Empire gave way to the rise of one of history's greatest men: Mohandas Gandhi, who led peaceful protests and ultimately led the British out of India. Whenever people would try to attack the British, Gandhi would say like a hippy, "Chill out!". The rebels would contemplate this, saying he's right, while the British say they should go.

The Twentieth Century

The First Quarter

The Twentieth Century was dominated by, you guessed it, WAR. The first one occurred in 1914, when Archduke Liz Ferdinand was shot, and not wanting to be left out, the whole world got into a good old scrap. It ended without much fanfare, but after the war, the Suffragette Movement occurred. Not only did women get the vote, but they also gained the right to own passports and driving licenses. Men, however, drew the line at handing over the TV remote.

The Second Quarter

Adolph/Adolf Hitler, author of Mein Kampf and The Tales of Peter Rabbit, kicked off the next world war, and the world had a good old scrap again. This time, it ended in the biggest fanfare ever, when the United States dropped two atom bombs on Japan. How did it all end? Shortly before the Berlin Wall fell on him, Adolph/Adolf Hitler signed the Magna Carta, ending WW2 and freeing Nelson Mandela from Robin Island.

Stop the planet, I'm getting off!

Sick of this God-forsaken planet, NASA built a space probe and crashed it into Mars. There were two good things about space travel:

1. It gave us something to beat the Russians at.
2. It gave us satellites.

The latter was good because it gave us the longest-ever communications, which will propel us into the future! The former doesn't really matter now that the Soviets are gone.

Conclusion

As you can see, history is a very interesting story. Even when it tries to be funny, Lord knows whether or not what they're saying is actually real. There's Poe's Law for you!

Footnotes References

1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvQW3HKFoSo The source of most of the "information" in this video.