User:Genghis Khant/Melchester

From RationalWiki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Warning: Conservapedia spoof article
This is a copy of a spoof article on Conservapedia. It is presented here for the purpose of education lulz, and reading it may will enrich your life cause stigmata, myopia, and Morgellons disease.

Melchester[1] (population 185,000) is an industrial city in the east Midlands of England. It is noted for the manufacture of motor vehicles, bicycles and prophylactics. Natives of Melchester are known as Melcastrians. The city has a traditional rivalry with Yorkshire town Trumpton[2].


The city lies 15 miles to the north west of Leicester, 20 miles east of Derby and 10 miles south of Nottingham on the River Mel, an important tributary of the Trent.


A Roman encampment (Melcastrum) was established on the site in the first century AD. By the 11th century Melchester had become an important market town and the seat of the Prince-Bishops of Melchester. The 13th century Melchester Cathedral, built in the Gothic style, has the longest transept of any English church. The cathedral had many of its fine stained glass windows and statuary destroyed by the army of Oliver Cromwell during the English Civil War. The Cathedral Library holds the Codex Melcastrensis dating from the early twelfth century and one of the oldest collections of canon law extant in England if not the world.

Lord Melchett[3], principal advisor to Queen Elizabeth I, took his title from the town (though his principal residence was in Buckinghamshire).

During the Industrial Revolution the town's population grew rapidly as workers left the surrounding countryside to seek employment in the many factories and mills which had been established on the banks of the Mel. This development of its industrial base was aided by the canalisation of part of the River Mel in the 1780s (linking it to the central England canal system), and confirmed by the opening of a connection to the Midland Railway trunk line in 1843.

The city is now an important junction on the London to Scotland East coast line. It continues to be supported by numerous productive villages in the Mel Valley, including Melby and Melsea[4], both part of the burgeoning British music industry in the 1990s (the two became one[5] town in 1999), and the rapidly-expanding Melsmyth[6]. The area, with its substantial sheep-farming community, is also renowned for the plaintive bark of the Melland Collie[7] dog.

Melchester was granted city status in 1911 by King George V.[8]

As a result of its industrial importance Melchester was heavily bombed by the Luftwaffe during World War II. Miraculously, despite the heavy bombing and the destruction of many surrounding buildings, the Cathedral remained unscathed apart from some damage to the roof of the 14th century Chapter House. At the time many Melcastrians, including the Dean of the Cathedral, attributed this deliverance to the intervention of St Osric, the first Bishop of Melchester and patron saint of the city and diocese of Melchester.

Population and Politics[edit]

The populace is mainly indigenous English although there are significant Irish, Polish, Pakistani, Indian and Afro-Caribbean communities. The city has long been held up as a model of integration and multi-culturalism. Nick Griffin socialist Member of Parliament for Melchester North was awarded the freedom of the city in recognition of his tireless efforts in the cause of integration and racial equality[9].

The city returns three MPs to the British Parliament at Westminster - two Labour and one Liberal Democrat. The city council has currently an overall Labour majority.


Melchester is home to a university (the University of Melchester) and a college of art and design (the Rolf Harris School of Art[10]). The Theological College[11] (established 1598) merged with the University in 1992 and is now part of its Faculty of Divinity.


The city is proud to be the base of Melchester Rovers FC who have won the European Cup four times - a record for any English club. The manager is former player Roy Race who has held the position for twenty five years - currently (2007) the longest serving manager in English football[12].

Every June the Melchester Guild Hall hosts the World Pocket billiards[13] Championship.

Famous Melcastrians[edit]

  • Professor Stephen Hawking (mathematician and astrophysicist)
  • Tommy Cooper (comedian and conjurer)
  • Saint Osric the Noble (first Bishop of Melchester)
  • Roy Race (footballer)[14]
  • Alf Tupper (athlete)[15]
  • Reg Varney (actor and comedian)
  • Peter Glaze (actor)
  • Norah Batty (actress)[16]
  • Keith Harris and Orville (ventriloquist)
  • Bonnie Langford (dancer and actress)
  • Natasha Kaplinsky (TV presenter and journalist)
  • Sir Oswald Mosley (founder of the British Union of Fascists)
  • Bishop William Turnbull (founder of Glasgow University)
  • Sir Denis Thatcher (husband of Margaret Thatcher)
  • Sir John Betjeman (Poet Laureate)

Twin Towns[edit]


One night in 1965, after a concert at the city's Guild Hall, the singer songwriter and member of the Beatles John Lennon wrote the song Hey Jude in his suite at the Grand Hotel, Melchester. The Guild Hall was also the last venue at which Peter Glaze appeared (as 'Buttons' in Cinderella) before his death in 1983.




Why is this a spoof? Explanations[edit]

  1. Melchester is a fictional town first featuring in Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy but also the name of a town in a boys' comic strip called Roy of the Rovers about a footballing hero who plays for Melchester Rovers
  2. Trumpton is a fictional town featured in a claymation children's TV series
  3. In the televison series Blackadder II set in Elizabethan England, Lord Melchett the Lord Chamberlain is Blackadder's arch rival
  4. Mel B. and Mel C. - two of the Spice Girls
  5. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls hit from 1996
  6. Mel Smith is a portly British comedian
  7. Melland Collie - Pun on melancholy
  8. If it had a cathedral it would have been a city since medieval times
  9. Nick Griffin is chairman of the British National Party a right-wing, anti-immigration party
  10. Rolf Harris is a television personality known for his rapid paintings and humorous songs, often with Australian themes
  11. In Thomas Hardy's Novel Jude the Obscure, Jude studies at Melchester Theological College
  12. All references to the Roy of the Rovers comic strip and the fictional record of Melchester Rovers F.C. However, in reality Liverpool F.C actually has won the European Cup five times.
  13. Pocket billiards is a euphemism for masturbation
  14. The fictional eponymous hero of Roy of the Rovers
  15. Another character from 1950s-1990s boys comics
  16. A fictional wrinkle-stockinged housewife in TV sitcom Last Of The Summer Wine
  17. Horst Wessel was a Nazi activist who wrote the Nazi Party anthem
  18. A small village in southern France notable for it's part in The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail books
  19. Fulchester is a fictional town first used in the TV series Crown Court but later adopted by the adult-humour comic Viz as the place where many of it's cartoon strips are situated.
  20. Chesney Hawkes, English singer songwriter
  21. Sanipad, sanitary hospital bed linen also shorthand for sanitary pads

[[Category:Towns and cities in the United Kingdom]]