User:SuperJosh/Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang/Episode 6

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By SJ Debaser

Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang follows the wacky exploits and misadventures of Andrew Schlafly and his trusted gang of Conservapedians.

The Wacky Hunting Incident

Quail hunts and Whale C*nts

Andy Schlafly threw his double barelled shotgun into the trunk of TK's SUV as Kendoll and Karajou arrived at his house outside New Jersey.

"Hey fellas!" said Andy, "You both ready to go hunting?"

"Boy, am I looking forward to it!" said Karajou, "it's been nearly two days since I've shot something."

"Yeah, a weekend away with four other men in the wilderness... doesn't get more manly than that!" said TK, who was adjusting the ropes on the roof of his car to hold down the tents there.

"Yeah, a weekend alone with four other men..." said Kendoll, staring up at the sky.

After pausing for a few seconds in which he stared worringly at Kendoll, Karajou asked "so where's Jpatt?"

"Oh he's just in the house," replied TK.

"Yeah, he's doing... something. Honestly, I don't really know what." said Schlafly Doo.

"Yeah I've been thinking about that lately," said TK, "on Conservapedia, he's actually been contributing a bit too insightfully and not spending as much time blocking vandals and parodists."

"I know what you mean," said Conservative, coming out of his daydream about men, "he actually makes insightful edits to the project."

"Yeah..." said Andy, "I'm gonna keep my eyes on him..."

At that point, Jpatt stepped out of the house.

"Y'all ready for the quail hunt guys?" asked Jpatt.

"What did you say?!" asked Andy, angrily.

"I just asked if you were ready for the quail hunt!" said Jpatt, taken aback.

"Oh, right, sure..." said Andy, "I thought you said 'whale' followed by a dirty word for something which we pretend doesn't exist."

"He did!" said TK, knowing full well that Jpatt didn't, "Jpatt, you'd better watch that filthy mouth of yours!"

After that pointless conversation, the five friends jumped into TK's gas guzzler and headed for the National Forest of New Jersey.

*

After a four hour drive, the five friends arrived at New Jersey Forest and began unloading their equipment.

"It's only five-thirty, do you guys wanna go and do some huntin'?" asked Karajou.

"Of course, how else are we going to eat?" asked Schlafly Doo.

"Well, what about the food we brought with us?" asked Kendoll.

"I didn't bring any food with us!" said Andy, "Guys, we're hunting! We're gonna go out and kill us some dinner!"

"Eat quail?!" asked Jpatt, "I can't eat meat, I'm a vegetarian!"

The four other Conservapedians all gasped and turned around to stare at Jpatt.

"Haha, I'm just kidding!" said Jpatt, "I'm not a lesbian!"

Anyway, the Conservapedians set up their tents, picked up their hunting rifles and went out to the woods. Karajou had bought along a whistle which produced a quail-like cry when blown, in order to trick the defenceless and admittedly adorable birds to find the source of the cry. Schlafly Doo was using the quail whistle as he claimed he was more qualified than Karajou to do so.

A half hour passed, and then an hour, during which time each Conservapedian apart from Andy claimed the life of a quail. After a further hour in which only Andy was left hunting for quail, the other Conservapedians decided to go back to camp, leaving Andy by himself.

Schlafly Doo was fuming - how could the other Conservapedians claim the life of a cute little bird and not him? He was even the one with the quail whistle and he still hadn't got anything. After another hour, Schlafly Doo decided to head back.

By now, nightfall had set in as it was nearing ten o'clock. Schlafly Doo spent a good twenty minutes walking through the woods when suddenly he heard a rustling to a bush in his right. He jumped at the noise of it in the silent forest and quickly pulled out his gun. Suddenly, a massive shape burst out the bush and Schlafly Doo fired, two, four, six, rounds into the shape. It came toa quivering rest at Andy's feet. Andy shot a further four rounds into it, in case it attacked him. Looking down, he saw that it wasn't a quail (duh), but Jpatt, lying still on the floor.

Back to the City! Back to American soil!

Schlafly Doo simply stood staring at Jpatt on the floor. After a minute or so, he heard footsteps running. Turning round, he saw TK, Kendoll and Karajou coming towards him.

"What happened?!" asked TK, concerned, "Andy, are you OK, sweetheart? I mean, dude?"

"I... I..." Andy stammered, unable to speak.

"Great Odin's Raven!" cried Karajou, spotting Jpatt on the floor, "You've shot Jpatt!"

"I thought he was quail!" said Schlafly Doo, defensively, as Karajou knelt by Jpatt and searched for signs of life.

"Andy, how did you do this?" asked Kendoll.

"I've said, I THOUGHT HE WAS A QUAIL!" repeated Andy, shouting hysterically.

"How does he possibly look like a quail?!" asked Kendoll incredulously, "look at him! He's a grown man!"

"Kendoll, cool down!" said TK, angry at the abuse Andy was suffering, "it's dark he probably couldn't see properly!"

"What on earth do you mean? There's a ton of light coming from that Holiday Inn over there!" said Kendoll pointing at a Holiday Inn a hundred yards away.

"C'mon, we've gotta get him to a hospital!" said Karajou, "I can feel a pulse but he's breathing's really shallow."

Kendoll and Karajou knelt down and picked up Jpatt, running quickly to the campsite which was only a couple of minutes away. Jpatt was bundled in the back of TK's SUV, and after the rest had clambered in, the SUV sped off back to the city.

*

It took an hour to drive to the nearest city from the Forest, and only a further twenty minutes after that to locate the nearest hospital. In his haste, TK, parked horizontally across two disabled bays and the Conservapedians jumped out to pull Jpatt from the SUV.

"We need a doctor! We need a doctor!" called Karajou as he carried Jpatt in to the Emergency Room. Within five seconds, the Conservapedia Gang were surrounded by two doctors and three nurses (that's American healthcare for you - brilliant) who took Jpatt and rushed him upstairs to surgery.

"What happened?" asked one doctor, who had stayed behind to ask what happened.

"Hunting accident," said Karajou, as he and the Conservapedians ran upstairs with the medical team. "Our friend here Andy-"

"-heard - I heard gunshots and I ran and found my friend Karajou here standing over him - he'd mistaken this man for a quail," interjected Andy.

Karajou and Conservative both stopped in the tracks to turn round and stare at Andy, shocked at what he had just done. Then TK had grabbed them and pushed them along to carry on walking behind the doctor.

"OK, this is a gunshot victim of a hunting accident up at the National Forest of New Jersey." the doctor briefed his colleague as the Conservapedia Gang reached surgery.

"How many times was he shot?" asked the second doctor, looking at Karajou.

Andy nudged Karajou for his failure to answer.

"Uh..." said Karajou, in a non-commital, I-can't-quite-believe-what's-happening sorta tone, "Just, twice, with a standard hunting rifle."

"Really?" asked the doctor, "because there's at least eight bullets in this man's torso that look as thought they've been pumped out with a double barreled shotgun."

"Or, a few rounds with a shotgun, whatever," said Karajou as he turned and left the room. Kendoll quickly followed.

"OK guys, you're gonna have to leave too, your friend needs surgery to remove the bullets and stitch up the wounds." said the second doctor as he called for a surgical doctor.

Andy and TK left, followed by the first doctor, who closed the door as he escorted them outside.

"OK guys, I'm gonna need this guy's details and yours as well." said the first doctor.

"The man's name is Jpatt." said TK.

"Jpatt?" asked the doctor, "What kinda name is that?"

"Well, we believe it comprises of his first initial and part of his last name, but we don't actually know what his real name is." said Schlafly Doo.

"OK..." said the doctor. "And who are you two?"

"I'm Andy Schlafly and this is Terry Koeckritz." said Schlafly.

"Wow... really?" asked the doctor.

"Yeah, why?" asked TK.

"Because I'm PalMD," said the doctor, "the guy you kicked off your site because I disagreed with you about breast cancer."

"Haha!" laughed Schlafly Doo at this hilarious coincidence.

Well, I'd better wrap this up...

After five hours of waiting around outside the surgery room in which time Kendoll and Karajou had reappeared, PaL and the second doctor came out of the surgery room to tell the Conservapedians that Jpatt would be fine, but he'd be hospitalised for at least a month and be wheelchair bound for a further three.

"So, which one of you actually shot him then?" asked PalMD.

"It was Karajou." said TK and Schlafly Doo simultaneously, pointing at him.

"Right, so you're Karajou," said PalMD, dislike fogging over his eyes, "and you are...?" he asked Kendoll.

"I'm Kenservative."

"Oh, so you're Conservative." said PalMD, "I particularly enjoy your work about how homosexual men are all paedophiles and they should be shot before they infect us all with AIDS. Anyway, pleasantries aside, I'm gonna need you guys to hang around here while we call the police for an investigation."

PalMD and the other doctor left.

"Andy, what the FUCK?!" said Karajou loudly and incredibly angrily.

"Karajou!" said Andy shocked, "watch your mouth!"

"Don't tell me to watch my mouth, Andy!" said Karajou, "you just completely sold out your own friend and totally lied about me shooting someone!"

"Karajou!" said TK sharply, "You will respect Andy!"

"NO!" said Karajou, "I don't think I will! This is your primary problem Andy! You don't respect anyone enough, let alone let anyone think themself superior in order to protect your own inflated ego! Jpatt could have died and all you care about is your own reputation!"

"Karajou, Jpatt didn't nearly die, that doctor PaL is a quack!" retorted Schlafly Doo.

"See, that's EXACTLY what I'm talking about!" said Karajou, "you can tell yourself that as much as you want, but you known and I know, and TK knows and Kendoll knows, and that man over there who can hear me shouting now knows that Jpatt nearly died tonight and it's entirely YOUR FAULT!"

Karajou stood up and headed for the door.

"Karajou!" shouted Andy after him, "If you leave me now, you can never come back to me or Conservapedia."

Karajou walked out the door.

Andy stood there dumbfounded.

Kenservative stood up and made for a similar path as Karajou.

"Kendoll!" cried Schlafly.

Kendoll walked out the door.

TK stood up.

"TK!" Andy choked on his tears and his legs gave way forcing his knees to the ground, "not you too!?"

"'Course not, Andy!" said TK, "I'm just going to get a candy bar from the vending machine."

"Oh, OK..." said Andy, standing up.

"Nah, I'm just kidding!" said TK laughing, "yes, I'm leaving you."

And TK ran for the door.

Andy sat back on his chair, dumbfounded. PalMD returned with a cup of polystyrene coffee in his hand.

"Andy," he said, "where have your minions gone?"

"That's just it..." he replied, "they've gone."

"Oh." said PalMD.

The two were silent for a moment, then Andy said, "I shot JR. I mean, Jpatt."

"Wow..." said PalMD, "Andy, are you admitting that you made a mistake?"

"Ye... Ye..." began Andy, "Yes."

"Wow..." said PalMD, "well I've gotta tell you that you've just won one million dollars."

"Wh... what?" asked Andy.

All of a sudden, there were groups of people rushing from either side of the corridor down to where Andy and PalMD were. They were all cheering and smiling at Andy. At the front of the pack were TK, Kendoll, Karajou and Jpatt.

"What the heck is all this?" asked Schlafly Doo.

"A highly elaborate scheme concocted by none other than us and the RationalWikians!" said Jpatt, who had fake blood staining his shirt.

"Jpatt, do not mention the vandal site!" said TK.

Then the crowd was laughing at TK's joke.

"I still don't fully understand!" said Schlafly Doo.

"There's something new!" said Human, who was there along with all the other RationalWikians. The crowd laughed again.

"Andy, over the past two years, you've conceded defeat not one time on numerous issues which are so blatantly obvious against your own bent perceptions that we had to get you to admit defeat." said TK.

"You claimed a link between abortion and breast cancer." said PalMD.

"You think 'I Fought the Law' is a conservative song." said Nutty Roux.

"You even pretended to call the FBI over that bot that vandalised Conservapedia." laughed Toast.

"You think you can quantify openmindedness." said Armondikov.

"And let's not forget about that time you got totally owned by Lenski over his evolution study!" said Ace McWicked.

"Basically, after two years of fighting between Conservapedia and RationalWiki we decided to get together and get you to admit - for your own health - that you were wrong!" said Kendoll.

"You mean..." said Schlafly Doo.

"Yes," said TK, kneeling down to Schlafly's level. "Jpatt is fine, you've finally admitted wrongdoing, and there is no link between abortion and breast cancer."

The crowd cheered as Andy Schlafly sat there dumbstruck. Then he spoke.

"This feels good..." he said, "I think now I can... begin a new chapter. Put all this terrible fighting between liberals and conservatives behind us and... move on to pastures new."

"Really?" asked PalMD.

"Nah, I'm just fucking with ya!" laughed Schlafly Doo, "C'mon Conservapedians, let's go back to the Internet!"

Schlafly Doo, TK, Jpatt, Karajou and Conservative will be back for a Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang Christmas Special.

The End.