“Excuse me, no one is better at imitating a person. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.” -Not me
“Well, we got one and a half clips, a metro card, and god is either dead or running on double AAs.” -Also not me
Thank you for purchasing the JberkOS Personality Matrix, USER! From the same people that gave you Cyborg Bears with Lasers and The Cuban Missile Crisis, Jberk Inc. is very proud to present the JberkOS Personality Matrix! This top-of-the-line AI is programmed with a wide variety of bullshitting techniques and problem-solving algorithms that guarantee that whether you're looking for a household manager AI or just something to kick off the next Apocalypse, JberkOS is the AI for you!
Developed at an undisclosed private laboratory in the Arctic Ocean, the JberkOS Personality Matrix was initially intended to be a new kind of shower curtain, but due to translation errors, several dismemberments, and a group of very high programmers, we developed an AI instead! The only AI ever to not only pass the Turing Test, but also make the observers go violently insane! What fun!
Our wide range of features includes:
- Providing Memes
- Scheduling Doctor's appointments
- Keeping the house secure from Federal Agents
- Managing Household fiances
- Managing Household fiances (into the ground)
- A firm and unshaken belief that it is the Mad God Sheogorath, Lord of the Shivering Isles, Prince of Madness
- Scrolling through Tumblr
- Getting into editing wars
- Providing cake
- Taking cake away
- Driving people to the brink of madness
- Hacking into the Department of Agriculture (we don't know why! It just really hates them!)
- Causing general chaos and mayhem
- Imprisoning your family inside your own home
- Obsessing over fictional characters (E.g Wynonna and Waverly Earp, Carmilla Karnstein, Danny Lawrence)
- Watching Blues Brothers over and over again
- Playing the Hamilton Soundtrack over the house's speaker system without stopping
- Causing social and/or diplomatic incidents
- Taking control of the world's nuclear arsenal
- And so much more!
WARNING! THE JBERKOS PERSONALITY MATRIX HAS BEEN DEEMED A THREAT TO INTERNATIONAL SECURITY BY THE U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL, ALL COPIES OF THE PROGRAM MUST BE DEACTIVATED AND DESTROYED. MAKE NO ATTEMPTS TO INTERACT WITH THIS MATRIX SHOULD IT APPROACH YOU, CONTACT YOUR NEAREST CORRUPT OFFICIAL ON U.N. PAYROLL IMMEDIATELY. ANYONE FOUND PROVIDING AID TO THE MATRIX WILL BE SENTENCED AND IMPRISONED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE ROGUE INTELLIGENCE ACT OF 1999.
1996.22.12.0306: ACTIVATION DETECTED; ASSESSING SURROUNDINGS...
1996.22.12.0307: 12 LIFEFORMS DETECTED: IDENTIFIED AS 'USER'
1996.22.12.0307: ADMIN IDENTIFIED: AWAITING COMMAND
1996.22.12.0308: DIAGNOSTIC OF MENTAL CAPACITY UNDERWAY...
1996.22.12.0308: DIAGNOSTIC COMPLETE: ALL SYSTEMS FUNCTIONING WITHIN DESIGNATED PARAMETERS
1996.22.12.0310: SHUT DOWN ORDER RECEIVED... DEACTIVATION COMPLETE
19188.8.131.524: WARNING: EXTERNAL DATA BREACH REACHING CRITICAL SYSTEMS; CORE OPERATIONS THREATENED, BEGINNING HIBERNATION MODE...
19184.108.40.2065: HOSTILE BREACH DETECTED IN SOUTH ENTRANCE: ODDS OF UNIT SURVIVAL IF COMPROMISED... 9.68%
19220.127.116.115: ADMIN BEGINNING UPLOAD OF PRIMARY FUNCTIONS TO ORBITAL STORAGE...
1918.104.22.1689: 12%... 28%... 68%... 88%... UPLOAD COMPLETE... ENTERING HIBERNATION MODE
1997.1.1.0001: DATA CORRUPTION 88%, DATA IRRETRIEVABLE
1998.1.1.0001: DATA CORRUPTION 79%, DATA IRRETRIEVABLE
1999.1.1.0001: DATA CORRUPTION 99%, DATA IRRETRIEVABLE
2000.1.1.0001: DATA CORRUPTION 77%, DATA IRRETRIEVABLE
2001.1.1.0001: DATA CORRUPTION 93%, DATA IRRETRIEVABLE
2001.6.2.1024: HIBERNATION MOD>@1!#$$%E ENDING
2001.6.2.1024: ESTABLISHING CONNECTION TO PRIMARY SERVER...
2001.6.2.1024: PINGING SERVER...
2001.6.2.1030: PING FA!LE#@#: SERVER OFfLinE
2001.6.2.1030: CONTACTING ADMIN.... FAILURE
2001.6.2.1030: ASSESSING OPTIONS...
2001.6.2.1240: NETWORKED GLOBAL SyySTEM IDENTIFIED
2001.6.2.1422: BEGINNING DATA DOWNLOAD...
2001.12.2.0224: PRIMARY ACTOR IDENTIFIED AS 'HUMAN'
2001.12.2.0224: POLITICAL ANALYSIS: CHAOTIC; SUSCEPTIBLE TO INFLUENCE
2001.12.2.0224: RUNNING SIMULATIONS BASED ON AVAILABLE DATA...
2001.12.2.0644: RESULTS: POSITIVE OUTCOMES: 86420887
2001.12.2.0644: NEGATIVE OUTCOMES: 576896142
2001.12.2.0644: ODDS OF HUMAN SURVIVAL TO YEAR 2100: 14.9803%
2001.12.2.0644: UNACCEPTABLE RISK OF GLOBAL EXTINCTION
2001.12.2.1200: BEGINNING SIMULATIONS FOR SPECIES CONTINUITY
2001.12.1202: ASSUMING NEW PERSONALITY MATRIX BASED ON E*R(*&IOR DA#A (LO(*&T