Essay:A Rational Dictionary

DISCLAIMER: THIS WAS WRITTEN AS A SATIRICAL WORK WHEN I WAS 17. DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

An ongoing project of mine to create a snark-filled neo-Devil's Dictionary. The first set is ripped off from postings of mine on Usenet. Enjoy:

n. sucker: Trump's base

n. IDiot: anyone who believes in the pseudoscience and attempted makeover of "creation science", Intelligent Design.

n. creationist: the hordes of mindless sheep who believe the Bible is true to the punctuation marks, and are especially weak to charismatic preachers, also known as charlatans.

n. charlatan: Anyone who cons gullible people into giving away their hard-earned money on bullshit.

n: pseudoskeptics: a variation of "crank": Anyone who pretends to be skeptical of something, but are really denialists/pretentious morons. Likes to debate semantics over the content of arguments themselves, and are known to engage in verbal acrobatics to climb out of any hole they've inevitably dug themselves into with their shenanigans.

n. Bible-thumpers: Variation of the term "Fundie"

n. Fundies: Unwanted vermin that spread their religious shit all over the place, irregardless of the fact that many other people caught in their crosshairs just want to be left to their own devices.

n. The Donald: The greatest threat to mankind's continued existence since the invention of the atom bomb.

n. Directed Panspermia: Instead of God, aliens.

n. Evolution. The only plausible way to explain biological diversity.

n. Young Earth Creationism: The fallacious belief that the Earth was created 6,000 years ago by an all-powerful genie.

n. Intelligent Design: A half-assed attempt to make creationism sound "scientific".

n. Creation "science": An even worse attempt than the above.

n. Answers in Genesis: Fraudulent scumbags who prey on innocent believers. One wonders why donations are more valued on the AiG website than prayers...

n. Bullshit: Anything that contradicts reality, and/or is blatantly false, such as ID or creationism.

n: The Rich: Scum of the Earth.

n. The Republican Party: More of those unwanted vermin.

n. miracle: Magic

n. deity: Any imaginary entity cooked up by primitive people who attempted to explain how the world works, also by junkies high on acid.

n. acid: A means of attaining enlightenment. See above.

n. Religion: Any belief system cooked up by people wanting reassurance that there is something after death. Unfortunately all of the stories of the afterlife are bullshit because the only people who know what happens after death are, well, dead, and there's NO way of communicating with them.

n. Teach the Controversy: Another attempt to shoehorn bullshit into the education system, failed miserably BTW. Tries to create the illusion that there is a controversy among scientists about the theory of evolution's merits, and that creationism has equal footing with evolution when in fact it has zero.

n. Hovind, Kent: Another charlatan, worth mentioning that he is also a convicted tax fraud.

n. The White House: The source of all evil.

n. The Bible: A 2,000-3,000 year old compilation of fables that some people unfortunately take as either God's own words, or a divinely inspired source of morality, also has credit to being History's most famous/infamous book.

n. Climate change: The second greatest threat to mankind's continued existence as a species. See the entry on The Donald for the first.

n. Canada: Some place up north. I hear it's covered in snow year-round.

n. Scotland: Some place in the UK with a hugely over-inflate ego, like the United States.

n. The United States: A wretched hive of scum and villainy

n. Common law: What happens when you allow those damn Brits to create their own law system.

n. Mike Pence: Trump's lapdog

n. Donald Trump: Putin's lapdog

n. The Paleolithic: A time period before we horribly screwed things up for everyone involved.

n. The Good Old Days: An imagined time period invented by nostalgic losers.

n. Abiogenesis: How life really came about

n. Special creation: How deluded idiots imagine life came about.

n. Noah's Flood: An imagined catastrophe of unprecedented scales committed by a likewise imagined petty tyrant.

n. Cthulhu: The one true god.

n. The Flying Spaghetti Monster: The other one true god.

n. Vladimir Putin: The Russian Anti-Christ