Essay:A gay man's view on homosexuality

I have been observing the LGBT community for the past few weeks, and there's a major topic that may ruffle a few feathers here, so I suppose a content warning is going to be needed.

WARNING: The following essay you are about to read will contain strong language, controversial view points, and half-assed snark. I am not responsible for any damages that come as a result of this piece.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's dive in.

In June of 2015, following a break-up that left me in a state of depression, I turned gay. I'm not sure as to why, but I don't want to find out. Anyway, I had my first boyfriend in July and spent a good bit of time with him. He was a nice guy, but something seemed off. I didn't know what it was until one day in October, he just told me he wanted to break up. His reasoning was that "the spark was gone", but I felt like something was bothering him. Nevertheless, I sat back and waited until I felt better.

Enter boyfriend 2, March 2016. This guy was the sweetest I've met, but he had a troubled past. I tried to care for him as best as I could, but the last legitimate conversation we had ended with "Find someone worth caring for." After that, our communications virtually ceased, save for us chatting once in a blue moon.

Those 5 words. I have spent nights lying awake, thinking about those words. What he meant by them. I know that he had a rough life, but I never thought he'd say that. I decided to put romantic relationships on hold in order to focus on high school, but I wanted to keep a handful of friends in case some shit brings me down. A good portion of them are in the LGBT community, but I noticed they had roughly the same character traits.

They all had depression.

I'm not qualified to diagnose mental conditions, but the traits all match up to depression. I ask what's wrong, they give a vague answer. I try to help them, but I just get pushed away. I am fairly certain that this is a case of "correlation does not equal causation", but I have a theory. This is going to get me in a heap of trouble, but I am going to admit I am part of this theory.

Homosexuality goes hand-in-hand with depression. Before you go onto the talk page and light me up, hear me out.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2012, but the symptoms had been there since around 2010. I vaguely remember a sleepover I had with a friend in '11, when I thought about getting intimate with him. I shuddered at the thought then, and I sure as hell am shuddering at it for the wrong reasons. After 2012, more thoughts of me wanting to be with men kept coming, but the thoughts were fleeting and hazy. I shrugged it off, and kept going about my life. My first time I stopped to think about what I was imagining back then was in 2014. I wondered what it would legitimately be like to be gay. Fast forward 2 years, and I am talking to a few friends. At this time, I had concluded my relationship with number 2. One of my closest friends had told me some personal information (which I will not share out of confidentiality), and I picked up on a few subtleties. His demeanor was shifted from one of seriousness to one of nearing a mental breakdown. After things cooled down, I compared several friends to each other and how they act, and recently came up with my rather radical conclusion.

The theory has yet to be finalized, but I am working on it. If I get reprimanded for my controversial view/theory, I understand. But it never hurts to read and think. If I do finalize this train wreck of a theory, I will elaborate on it at a later date.