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Essay:Alternative weaponry

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Essay.svg This essay is an original work by 4gnomesinatrenchcoat.
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Note: This is Satire meant for a contest. DO NOT think I believe this.

Hello there. As we have all been told, firearms are the best kind of weaponry. If you want to do damage, you need to use a firearm. However, what if I informed you that you have been lied to. Guns do not kill. Spears are the only Real effective form of weaponry. Did you know that the Gun Lobbies pay millions of dollars every year to ensure that everyone thinks guns are effective? They are hiding the truth from us: Spears are the only effective form of weaponry.

First of all, take a look at the rich history of spears. Native Americans used them to hunt and kill for thousands upon thousands of years. And they didn't get killed! And it's not just them. Almost every culture on Earth has used spears at some point. Coincidence? I think not. Also, spears are made right from the Earth. You take a sharp rock and tie it to a stick. It's all natural, unlike those guns made from plastic and polymers and god knows what else. (Aborted fetuses? You decide!)

Now think about me. I'm a friendly guy selling these spears out of my garage. The guns are sold from some multi-billion dollar CORPORATION! Do you want to support a friendly guy like me or a CORPORATION? Let's be real here. We all know how evil the gun companies are, paying off the powerful so they can pray on the weak.

And don't forget. With a gun, you have to aim, shoot reload. Aim, shoot, reload. These spears are easier to use (stab stab stab) with only ingredients you can pronounce. No "Synthetic" this or "Semi-Polymer" that. Just tree and rock. Tree and rock.

We even have supporters. Every Nobel Prize winner on EARTH says that you can use spears to kill! Wake Up! I also have a PHD in alternative weaponry. A PHD!

Bad people also use guns. All the school shooters, all the Facist regimes, all the random nutjobs. They all use guns! When was the last time a crazy guy ran into a public place with a spear? NEVER. Even the nazis used guns to kill in the Holocaust.

Support Weapon Truth. Buy my spears today. $499 for your first spear, $299 for each additional spear.