Essay:End of Days, brought to you by the Illuminati

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This essay is a parody and nothing more. The Illuminati is a load of Bullshit and so is the anti-Christ. The Bible is at best, an allegory and at worst, a fairytale. This is for fun only and to make fun of fundies and conspiracy theorists. This is a public service announcement from User:Rationalzombie94

The end is coming, the rapture is at hand. The signs are everywhere. The Illuminati is planning to wage war against God. You must repent your sins.

The Signs[edit]

The signs are everywhere! You must believe it!

  • A new season of the Walking boredom Dead
  • A flu epidemic
  • The Chicken Man spreading his wings
  • The magic taco coming out of its shell.
  • Richard Dawkins creating the Evil Evolution Militia
  • Pagans turning people into God hating queers.
  • Muslims doing stuff.
  • Any natural disaster whatsoever, especially those "exacerbated by global warming". Remember that global warming is a hoax.

When the new season of the Boring, Lame Ass Walking Dead starts, the next flu pandemic will start. The Chicken Man will spread his wings revealing the secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken. The magic taco will get angry and rally the armies of Taco Bell to support Richard Dawkins Evil Evolution Militia to bring the evils of Evolution to good Christian kids. The Christian kids will learn about evolution and join the Unitarian Universalist church. The secret Pagans hiding in the outreach center will rise and make people gay. Then the Muslims will board a yacht to throw an awesome party.

The Illuminati[edit]

These pre-apocalyptic events are being started by the Illuminati. They plan on waging war on the Kingdom of Heaven. The anti-Christ will be elected the head of the group during a booze party. Everyone gets shitfaced and end up voting for Obama as head of the board. Obama is the anti-Christ and will summon Satan. Obama allows the Muslim yacht party to happen.

The Apocalypse[edit]

Once the non Biblical Prophecy begins, the partying Muslims will crash their yacht in New York Harbor. They will bring the Master to America and allow the Strigoi to spread during the solar eclipse. Obama the anti-Christ will have his evil minion Richard Dawkins use his army to kill Christians. Then Obama will shed his human shell and summon Satan. Then the hodge podge army will march to Heaven. A battle will begin and the evil will be destroyed. Once everyone who is evil is banished to hell, Christians will have an even better yacht party. It is proven!

The Apocalypse Equation[edit]


or January 1, 2026!