Essay:HowTo:Be a Liberal/Rebuttal

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  1. Raise taxes, rather than swim in debt from silly wars
  2. Blame Bush, even for things he didn't actually cause, like sunspots.
  3. Kill babies and eat them, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  4. Reverse discrimination with abortion, gay marriage and desegregation
  5. Legalize all kinds of disgusting behavior, like women showing their KNEES in public
  6. Lose wars, instead of bravely staying in a no-win situation for decades.
  7. Take away peoples' guns, grenades, and nuclear armaments.
  8. Let murderers run free (by "murderers," conservatives mean "black people")
  9. Let poor people be lazy, by ONLY working 10 hours a day.
  10. Love terrorists. Maybe if they got laid more often, they'd have less interest in blowing things up.
  11. Let Mexicans do whatever they want to do (like, breathe)
  12. You can still be a neocon and still call yourself a liberal
  13. Force children into failing schools
  14. Cure all problems with socialism. Even the common cold.
  15. Persecute Christians. (Yeah, I've seen no less than four of them thrown to the lions last week alone!)
  16. Let child molesters be coddled, like Rep. Foley.
  17. Give people drugs
  18. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
  19. IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.
  20. Be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
  21. Believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  22. Believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.
  23. Believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
  24. Believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
  25. Believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
  26. Believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
  27. Believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  28. Believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
  29. Believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  30. Believe there was no art before federal funding.
  31. Believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
  32. Believe that women are people too, not just baby-production units.
  33. Believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
  34. Believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
  35. Believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
  36. Believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
  37. Believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
  38. Believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.
  39. Believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
  40. Believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.