Essay:HowTo:Be a Liberal

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Essay.svg This essay is an original work by GodBlessAmerica.
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  1. Raise taxes
  2. Blame Bush, even for things he didn't actually cause.
  3. Kill babies and eat them.
  4. Reverse discrimination with abortion, gay marriage and desegregation
  5. Legalize all kinds of disgusting behavior
  6. Lose wars
  7. Take away peoples' guns
  8. Let murderers run free
  9. Let poor people be lazy
  10. Love terrorists
  11. Let Mexicans do whatever they want, like kill people for fun
  12. You can still be a neocon and still call yourself a liberal
  13. Force children into failing schools
  14. Cure all problems with socialism
  15. Persecute Christians
  16. Let child molesters be coddled
  17. Give people drugs
  18. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
  19. IF there is a church that is valid it has been pre-approved by the government.
  20. You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand ... in short, you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
  21. You have to believe that the same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  22. You have to believe that everyone on the internet is a pervert BUT the school officials who want to do vaginal exams on your daughter without telling you have your best interest at heart.
  23. You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
  24. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
  25. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
  26. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
  27. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  28. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, fey activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
  29. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  30. You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
  31. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
  32. You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
  33. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution. You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high. 3You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
  34. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
  35. You have to believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
  36. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man who is jealous of Tom Selleck.
  37. You have to believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
  38. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.