Essay:How To Win a Debate with a Vegan

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It's easier than you think. Simply follow the methods employed by most online intellectuals:

  1. Commit as many logical fallacies as possible in your arguments; in particular the appeal to nature and the appeal to the masses . Regarding nature, claim that since animals kill other animals, we should do it too. When the vegan brings up the fact that animals do other things that we don’t do just because they do it such as rape and child killing, claim the vegan is being too extreme and blame this on their B12 deficiency. Regarding appealing to the masses, say since most of the population eats meat, that makes it right. When the vegan brings up that most of society once encouraged things like child labour and slavery, again say they are being too extreme with their comparisons and they are too stupid to argue with.
  2. Avoid making arguments using reason, facts, science or logic as you are then wandering into the vegan’s domain of thinking and they will most probably use your thinking against you. Instead rely on mockery, hatred and personal attacks. Accuse the vegan of blindly refusing to accept the “irrefutable facts” you are putting forward. Press that their facts are only their opinions, although your opinions are actually facts. Remember that there is strength in numbers. Get some of your meat-eating friends help you gang up on the vegan and thus you will win.
  3. Say it’s just a personal choice and all morality is subjective. Say whatever you have to here to stay consistent, even if necessary going as far as saying you’d respect someone’s right to eat another person as long as the law allowed it. Argue that the concepts of good and evil don’t exist. Get deeply philosophical on this point. When the vegan says choices are only personal when others aren't involved, say animals don't count as others. Ignore the fact that if you actually believed this no form of animal torture could be viewed as wrong.
  4. Even though you have most likely never touched an animal rights philosophy text, confidently assert that all arguments for veganism and animal rights are based on no logic whatsoever.
  5. Point out the groundbreaking fact that we have canines, so obviously veganism is invalid. Even though vegans are totally aware of this, present it as something they've never noticed before. This will be the vegan's cue to explain that you are totally missing the point, and the point of veganism is not that "We're not meant to eat animals" but instead "We shouldn't eat animals because we don't have to". However, pay no attention to this, continuously dodge the issue and tell the vegan they are blindly refusing to accept basic biology.
  6. Say that you didn’t kill the animal yourself, you just paid someone else to do it. So really, it wasn’t your fault at all.
  7. Point out that the Bible says we can eat animals so we should. Ignore all other verses that say we should stone adulterers and kill gay people. Any vegan who points out this hypocrisy “needs more protein”.
  8. Make the case that you can still care for animals and eat them. When the vegan points out your hypocrisy in that statement such as killing children is not compatible loving them, accuse them of being mentally unstable, be irrationally offended by the comparison and say you do love animals – you love the way they taste!
  9. Claim that animals die as a result of plant harvesting and thus any vegan’s argument that “speciesism” is wrong is invalid as they commit it too. The fact that more plants are harvested to feed livestock is irrelevant. When the vegan brings this up, laugh at how "their entire philosophy is falling apart"
  10. Argue that you can’t be 100% vegan in today’s society and everyone will never be vegan so why bother? When the vegan says that the world will also likely never be free from things like murder, racism, sexism etc. yet this is no excuse to partake in these yourself, claim the vegan’s “lack of nutrients” is making them think these things are valid comparisons. Of course, never explain why they are not.
  11. Argue that it is just the circle of life and humans are just another part of the food chain. The vegan will probably say that this isn’t exactly true as any animal which attacks/eats a human is killed by people and is never excused as "it was just the circle of life get over it", but humans can mass slaughter over fifty billion animals a year and nobody cares. When the vegan points this out, laugh and say the vegan has “no understanding of how nature works”. Do not discuss this point any further.
  12. Become a temporary plants rights activist. Find some study that suggests that plants react to stimuli and assert that this means plants are more sentient than animals. Ignore the fact that more plants die to feed farm animals and when the vegan points this out, refuse to listen and accuse the vegan of arbitrarily picking and choosing what life they care about. Plants are people too.
  13. If the vegan attempts to nicely promote veganism in an effort to reduce animal-suffering, ignore their points and mock them. If the vegan eventually naturally loses their patience and gets frustrated, explain that their “nutrient deficiencies” are causing their anger issues and that is why you will never consider veganism. Then tell them they would get better results if they took a nicer approach.
  14. Refuse to accept that veganism is an “as much as realistically possible” thing. Point out some product that the vegan owns which either has some minute animal ingredient in it or involved the deaths of insects and conclude all of veganism is based on hypocrisy.
  15. When the vegan argues animals are feeling, sentient creatures who don't want to die, accuse them of using “emotionally manipulative language”. The fact that it is true doesn’t matter. Then proceed to talk about how stupid, lazy, dirty and pathetic farm animals are and how they are worth nothing but what they can produce for humans.
  16. Deny the results of all studies which suggest that veganism is healthy. Say every statistic about the negative environmental effects of animal agriculture is wrong. Categorize every single piece of footage ever found documenting factory farm and slaughterhouse animal abuse as “vegan propaganda”.
  17. Ask the vegan what they feed their pets. If they say meat, call them a hypocrite. If they say a vegan diet, call them an idiot. Never offer a solution to this issue.
  18. Threaten to eat two animals for every one they don’t. Then call the vegan an asshole.
  19. Ask them if they are going to try to make lions eat tofu too. Say it in a way which shows your attempt to infantilize the vegan. Giggle to yourself at your wit.
  20. While on your computer point to your ancestors and say they ate meat so we should too. While the vegan says this argument is stupid since you don’t do many things that your ancestors did, tell them the argument isn’t stupid, they are.
  21. Move the topic of conversation onto PETA, even if it had nothing to do with what you were previously talking about. Point to PETA’s extremism as irrefutable proof that veganism is completely wrong. When the vegan points out this is invalid, blame their stupidity on their B12 deficiency. Reassure them however that you are a member of the better PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) and maintain you are a good person.
  22. Ask the vegan what they would do on a deserted island with no food but meat around. When the vegan admits that they probably would eat the meat, point out that they are hypocrites and then argue that all activity someone takes in a desperate measure to save their life is justifiable in everyday life.
  23. Ask them why they aren’t focused on “more important issues” such as war, famine or cancer etc. Directly assert that caring about one issue means that you can’t care about anything else. No doubt that you're doing nothing about these either but that doesn't matter.
  24. If you really are getting nowhere, accuse the vegan of being self-righteous and say they are pushing their beliefs on you. Make the case that someone asking you not to kill an animal is a terrible burden on your liberty. When the vegan points out you are forcing your beliefs on the animals by killing them, claim the vegan’s point is too extreme and he/she is an idiot.
  25. Tell them that Hitler was a vegetarian and he was an evil bastard, so how could veganism be true? (And look where being a vegan will get you). When the vegan then asks you if that means you are equivalent to the likes of Stalin, Osama Bin Laden, Vlad the Impaler, Genghis Khan and other evil individuals from history since they ate meat too, get irritated at the vegan's "stupid logic".
  26. Find an article documenting a couple who starved their baby on a vegan diet and exploit the baby’s death as proof that vegans kill babies.
  27. When the vegan shows that all your arguments at are best fallacious, says it’s irrelevant as you never had to justify your “natural human instinct” in the first place. You basically won the argument before it had started.
  28. Flat out say you don’t care about animals or anything but yourself. Apathy is impossible to argue against and since you are in the majority, you will win the argument!


Speed Round![edit]

protein, we evolved as omnivores, meat increased brain size tho, cavemen, bible, canines, anything to do with lions, bacon, inuits (eskimos), tasty, steak, B12, chocolate milk, circle of life, I respect your decision you should respect mine, animals taking over, plants have feelings, you kill bugs, animals don't feel pain, one person can't make a difference, morality is subjective, morality doesn't exist, you're a faggot, your a faggot, I can't be vegan because if i kill pests I'd be a hypocrite, vegans are just as bad as religious extremists, nothing you say will make me stop eating tasty animals, bacon tho, lions eat meat, never seen a vegan lion, are you going to make the lions eat tofu?, omega 3's, omega 6's, vitamin K, vegans are so preachy, you're just trying to make yourself morally superior, an article about wheat harvesters killing field mice, Don't wanna lose my gains, vegans are malnourished, vegans only use emotional pandering, how do you know if someone's vegan? don't worry they'll fucking tell you, vegans are assholes, vegans are cunts, vegans are brainwashed, I like my (animal product), China Study was debunked, Lierre Keith is a genius, iron deficiency tho, veganism is a cult, supplements tho, you can't eat grass, we can't digest cellulose I know some vegans who are cunts, Jesus ate meat, Soy raises estrogen levels, vegan food is disgusting, I laughed at Earthlings while eating bacon, Cowspiracy is BS because it was made my indie filmakers and even if it is true i don't care because bacon, (animal product) is the meaning of life, Forks over Knives has been criticized, you can't force your beliefs on people, I tried to go vegan but i got tired, you care about animals but what about the under payed people who pick your vegetables?, Vegan's are hippies, shutup, shutup hippie, shutup faggot, Freelee is a bitch, Vegan Gains is a (slur), I don't care if the president of the american cardiology association is vegan, creatine tho, evolved to eat meat, chimps eat termites, are you gonna make all the animals be vegan as well, vegans are angry, fish don't have feelings, cholestorol is healthy, saturated fat is healthy, trans fat is healthy, for every animal you don't eat i'm gonna eat two, ice cream, Patrik Babaoumian got all his gains on meat, chicken wings, tradition tho, what will we eat for thanksgiving though, artificial insemination of dairy cows isn't rape, baby male chicks getting ground up alive the day they're born is humane, free range tho, grassfed tho, namaste tho it is a spiritual journey, i must experience world cultures that eat meat tho, you can humanely enslave, torture, or murder animals, im 20 and im not fat, you can beat the negative effects of animal products with exercise, i don't care, i don't care if medical research is overwhelmingly in favor of veganism, I don't care if 2200 people die in the US from heart disease every day they should have exercised more, I don't care im gonna go eat some bacon because vegans are bitches, deserted island, we need meat, i went vegan for a while and got sick, PETA did (something to which I judge all of veganism by), Vegans are virgins, Peruvian Llamas, cancer is a rogue disease and carcinogens don't affect it at all, i don't care what anyone eats but myself, you can't be vegan because pesticides, i tried being vegan but i missed (animal product), you can't build a house with the protien of a nut,i can't be vegan because i might step on insects, vegans are negative, Vegans only eat rabbit food,vegans only eat shadows and dirt, I can't be vegan because sweat shops, fish is vegan you idiots, I can't be vegan because a lot of vegans are pro choice and therefore hypocrites, vegan food is too expensive, Im too poor to eat expensive vegan food, im too rich to eat cheap vegan food, i get your point but (animal product) FTW LOL!, Life eats life, Denise Minger though, ketogenic diets can cure diabetes though, my culture eats alot of meat, i know i'm an immoral asshole, but meat tastes so good, you know hitler was a vegetarian right, Hitler bacon?, (any small amount of words expressing an apathy that is accepted by other non vegans since the societal norm is to not be vegan,) Also, all herbivores do eat meats, at least occasionally. Even cows. Everything you're telling me about ecology, health, and animal sentience isn't a big deal because only vegans have told me this before and i irrationally hate vegans because I don't think the things they care about are a big deal. Ecology isn't a big deal, health isn't a big deal, electronics are not a good idea! I don't have time to be vegan! I can't be vegan because there haven't been enough epidemiological studies done on vegans exclusively to prove it is healthier than the Okinawan diet, which included small amounts of animal products, When will it be enough?! If you had to live of the land and eat only native plants here in uk if you was vegan you would die. You're exploiting animals no matter what you do in an industrial civilization, especially if you rely on industrial agriculture, Did you not hear the part where it's all about context? "The good a person in the world can do vs. what 50 chickens can do". is the tofu you eat from mutant seeds? People Eating Tasty Animals