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Essay:The American Taliban

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Essay.svg This essay is an original work by Morgan Brikiin.
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From my blog

I read something on RationalWiki about an “American Taliban.” You can see the page itself with a full list here: here.

For this blog, I'll pick out some juicy quotes and comment on them. I already did a blog on Ann Coulter, number one on that list. It's funny how such an outspoken bitch is against feminism – if she's so anti-feminist, then shut the fuck up and make me a sandwich, bitch. Here's a quote from some prickhead named Bailey Smith, just to break the ice a little:

"With all due respect to those dear people, my friend, God Almighty does not hear the prayer of a Jew."

Hey buddy, did you know that Jesus was a Jew? It's so obvious in the New Testament, yet assholes like him don't seem to understand it. So I guess if your right, Jesus, son of Gawd, went to hell – how much of a Christian are you now?

Ever hear of Fred Phelps? I love this guy – he's a freak of nature, not only because of his wackjob appearance and beliefs, but also because nobody has shot this freak yet. Here's an example of why I just love this son of a bitch:

"American Veterans are to blame for the fag takeover of this nation. They have the power in their political lobby to influence the zeitgeist, get the fags out of the military, and back in the closet where they belong!"

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. First of all Freddy, zeitgeist is a word from German, meaning “spirit of the age,” you tool. Officially, there are no “fags” in the military – ever hear of “don't ask, don't tell?” How the hell are we going to check if a soldier is gay? A boner-check? American veterans have nothing to do with the “fag takeover” of the nation. My dad is a veteran, you dipshit.

"We are engaged in a social, political, and cultural war. There's a lot of talk in America about pluralism. But the bottom line is somebody's values will prevail. And the winner gets the right to teach our children what to believe."

Gary Bauer, from American Values. Congradulations, you have won the award for most fascist dipshit on earth. Teach our children what to believe? You my friend are the reason why I don't want kids, because there are asshats like you roaming around trying to convert people to your beliefs.

"The long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Those who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church's public marks of the covenant–baptism and holy communion–must be denied citizenship."

In that case I'm an illegal immigrant. I was born here and whatnot, but because I'm not a god fearing Christian, you don't think I'm a citizen? Guess what? A third of the population is Christian, so there's a lot of illegal aliens in this country, asshole. 1/3 versus 2/3, who's gonna win?

Of course, I have to bitch about our friend George W. Bush:

"I don't think that witchcraft is a religion. I wish the military would rethink this decision."

Judeism is a religion, Islam is a religion, Hinduism is a religion, why not Wicca? Maybe your just picking on them because there aren't too many in America, Mr. Bush?

"God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East. If you help me I will act, and if not, the elections will come and I will have to focus on them."

We didn't even vote for him, as said by this ass:

“George Bush was not elected by a majority of the voters in the United States, he was appointed by God.”

So Gawd rigged the votes in Florida? I friggin knew it!

Here's an 'ol war buddy 'a mine, Pat Robertson of the Christian Coalition. One time we were attacking a German bunker, and he got the whole dang platoon of Nazis to surrender after giving a speech about how they'll go to heaven if they accept Christ instead of Hitler...wait – what the hell? He was a little kid when the war was going on. Here's a jerkhole quote though:

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."

I think Ann Coulter has a penis. Anyways – I can't think of anything funny to say about this quote. So if Jesus is the head of the household, why aren't both of them making Jesus a sandwich and getting him a beer? I thought Christianity accepted marriage as a partnership – ooops! Forgot, that's not conservative Christianity.

Randall Terry is a big asshole, from the quotes I read. His son is gay, and he openly said that if he runs the nation, all gays and the like will be tried and excecuted. Here's a couple quotes – god I love this guy:

"I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good...Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty, we are called by God to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism."

That's sort of how Austria-Hungary fell after World War I. There was no pluralism for the Croats, Slovens, Czechs, Romanians, Slovaks, Ruthenians, Poles, Bosnians, and so on. The power lied in the hands of the Ausrians and Hungarians. I hope though that if we overthrow a Fundamentalist Christian regime, it's a whole lot more bloody. Listen buddy, if you try to conquer this country, I'll stand at the gates of freaking Los Angeles with a shotgun and a 2x4 with nails sticking out of it, along with the rest of the free people of America. We are a plural nation dipshit, so go to Saudi Arabia.

"Our goal must be simple. We must have a Christian nation built on God's law, on the ten Commandments. No apologies."

Most of the ten commandments would violate both the Constitution and the European Convention on Human Rights. Namely well – all of them. So I guess I gotta lay in bed all day Sunday, except for going to church and kissing the Pope's ass, and I guess I can't look at my neighboor's wife's ass. What – I can't look at my neighboor's wife's pet donkey. That was a good joke, wasn't it.

"I don't think Christians should use birth control. You consummate your marriage as often as you like – and if you have babies, you have babies."

I think they should. Less Christian babies – another reason I don't want kids, he/she might be brainwashed by an overly christian schoolmate.

"When I, or people like me, are running the country, you'd better flee, because we will find you, we will try you, and we'll execute you. I mean every word of it. I will make it part of my mission to see to it that they are tried and executed."

That's the thing I was talking about earlier. I think he's talking about gays, but it's likely he's talking about all non-Christians. If wackos like this run the country, I'd eather move to Canada, or go Rambo.

"There is going to be war, [and Christians may be called to] take up the sword to overthrow the tyrannical regime that oppresses them."

We have guns, tanks, jets, aircraft carriers, and the support of a little alliance called NATO. What the hell do you have? A bible is not a bullet-proof vest buddy, think twice before threatening a violent revolution.

Now for some Southern Baptist weirdo named Jerry Vines:

"They would have us believe that Islam is just as good as Christianity. Christianity was founded by the virgin-born son of God, Jesus Christ. Islam was founded by Muhammad, a demon-possessed pedophile who had 12 wives, the last one of which was a nine-year-old girl."

So do you have Jesus's birth certificate, signed by the almighty himself? How is it that everybody thinks Muhammad was making it up when Jesus wasn't? These days, someone who says he's the son of god is labelled an idiot.

Jerry Falwell, the man who, according to Hustler Magazine, lost his virginity to his mother in a smelly outhouse. Here's something he said:

"The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible, without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc."

The bible isn't a history book, nor is it a science book, a law book, or anything else like that. I get a better history lesson from a schizophrenic homeless guy on the street corner.

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."

I'm a fucking failure then!

Jimmy Swaggart:

"Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it...Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory."

Maybe because atheists are smart.

"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest."

I only look at my mother's ass because it's too big to not be in my field of view. Seriously – how does sex education encourage incest? Maybe the real lonely emo kids with the hot blonde sister or something, but not normal kids. Please shut the hell up Mr. Fucktard.

"Raising your children under Americanism or any other principles other than true Christianity is child abuse."

And so is raising kids to be Fundamentalist robots, Mr. Robert T. Lee.

"The best way to insure the earth is never over populated is for sensible and righteous governments to clear all forms of atheism and heresy."

Are you implying killing all atheists and non-christians, asshole? Keep in mind that the death of a million atheists would not go un-avenged, dick face.

Holy shit three pages in OpenOffice.org. I'll leave you with one last gem of Conservative 'sanity', said by Micheal Savage on live television:

"Oh, you're one of the sodomites. You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How's that? Why don't you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You have got nothing to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it."