Essay:Timeline of the Caffeine War

From RationalWiki
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Essay.svg This essay is an original work by Bigs.
It does not necessarily reflect the views expressed in RationalWiki's Mission Statement, but we welcome discussion of a broad range of ideas.
Unless otherwise stated, this is original content, released under CC-BY-SA 3.0 or any later version. See RationalWiki:Copyrights.
Feel free to make comments on the talk page, which will probably be far more interesting, and might reflect a broader range of RationalWiki editors' thoughts.


  • Jun 7: Coffee is banned in the UK, a country heavily dominated by tea. It leads to international backlash (from North Korea).
  • Jul 9: As a result of this, the increasingly Russophilic US banned tea. This once again leads to international backlash (from North Korea).
  • Oct 6: Since the UK won't hurry the hell up on Brexit, they are thrown out of the EU.
  • Oct 9: The European Court bans tea to spite the UK.
  • Oct 11: The Scots rebel over this decision, and found the de facto independent Kingdom of Scotland. Tea is banned here, also to spite the UK.
  • Dec 19: The UN has a meeting over the issue of coffee and tea. Tea is banned worldwide.
  • Dec 30: The UK leaves the UN.



  • 17: The UK successfully reconquers Scotland.
  • 20: France and Germany The EU demands the UK give up Scotland.
  • 22: Hundreds of thousands of tea bags are dropped along the French coast.
  • 23: The British population is split on this, and rebellion begins.
  • 28: As the uproar turns violent, a state of emergency is declared.
  • 29: Hot coffee is dumped along the southern coast. As a result, the state of emergency is extended indefinitely.


  • 6: Bombs filled with boiling tea are dropped along the northern European coast.
  • 8: The US declares support for coffee.
  • 10: NATO kicks the UK out. Six hours later, NATO declares war on the UK.
  • 13: A metric fuckton of ground coffee is dumped into the English Channel, diluting the tea and making the Channel into very light coffee.
  • 14: Irritated by this, the UK creates their final plan.
  • 16: Massive quantities of hot tea is dumped onto the entire EU and the US east coast. Tea is victorious in the war.
  • 17: Coffee is banned worldwide and tea relegalized.