Essay:Timeline of the Caffeine War

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2019[edit]

  • Jun 7: Coffee is banned in the UK, a country heavily dominated by tea. It leads to international backlash (from North Korea).
  • Jul 9: As a result of this, the increasingly Russophilic US banned tea. This once again leads to international backlash (from North Korea).
  • Oct 6: Since the UK won't hurry the hell up on Brexit, they are thrown out of the EU.
  • Oct 9: The European Court bans tea to spite the UK.
  • Oct 11: The Scots rebel over this decision, and found the de facto independent Kingdom of Scotland. Tea is banned here, also to spite the UK.
  • Dec 19: The UN has a meeting over the issue of coffee and tea. Tea is banned worldwide.
  • Dec 30: The UK leaves the UN.

2020[edit]

January[edit]

  • 17: The UK successfully reconquers Scotland.
  • 20: France and Germany The EU demands the UK give up Scotland.
  • 22: Hundreds of thousands of tea bags are dropped along the French coast.
  • 23: The British population is split on this, and rebellion begins.
  • 28: As the uproar turns violent, a state of emergency is declared.
  • 29: Hot coffee is dumped along the southern coast. As a result, the state of emergency is extended indefinitely.

February[edit]

  • 6: Bombs filled with boiling tea are dropped along the northern European coast.
  • 8: The US declares support for coffee.
  • 10: NATO kicks the UK out. Six hours later, NATO declares war on the UK.
  • 13: A metric fuckton of ground coffee is dumped into the English Channel, diluting the tea and making the Channel into very light coffee.
  • 14: Irritated by this, the UK creates their final plan.
  • 16: Massive quantities of hot tea is dumped onto the entire EU and the US east coast. Tea is victorious in the war.
  • 17: Coffee is banned worldwide and tea relegalized.
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