Fun:Conservative Parabolas

Conservative Parabolas are stories told at CP that unintentionally reveal the disturbing views of the storyteller. The stories are poorly veiled excerpts for Andrew Layton Schlaflys life, and perhaps a glimpse in to the unique and tiny parallel universe he calls home.

The Disparate Smoker

A long-time smoker visited a store to buy some cigarettes, but found he was unexpectedly short of cash. He summoned up all the loose change on his person, but when it was counted, it fell short of the required price by a crucial ten cents.

In desperation, he noticed that a nearby customer happened to have a spare dime in his hand, and beseeched him to let him have it.

The bystander didn't want to give him a dime. It was his dime. Why should he give him a dime? It was his dime.

And then he remembered that he was the only man in the world capable of judging the moral worth of any particular action; and he saw, with his fearsome powers of perception, that allowing this man to continue smoking would be bad. Or neutral, at least, which is the same thing.

How hard could it be to give up smoking cigarettes, anyway??? They're just, like, burning things. They smell awful, frankly. This guy would probably thank him once his sense of smell returned.

The trouble with today's youth is they don't understand the value of the dime.

So, in his infinite wisdom, the bystander solemnly told the smoker than he would not be giving him any money. He instead urged him to try giving up.

The smoker knocked the dime from his hands, called him an asshole, and left the shop, knocking over a stack of California Style Sunny Delight as he went.

The bystander bent to retrieve his dime, and decided he would probably shorten the story when he came to tell it.

The Missing Child

A schoolgirl fails to come home at the right time one day, which her mother notes with concern.

Fifteen minutes pass, and the mother has transformed into a limp cliche that draws weary sighs from more realistic fictional characters. This is presumably because she has never met human beings before. She seems to have a very poor understanding of time, as well.

The girl finally comes home, and is received with a pretty impressive mixture of relief and anger. Emotions that are apparently more closely associated than was previously thought.

The child tells her that she was with a recently bereaved widow who lived nearby, and had been attempting to comfort her.

And the moral of the story is, unimaginative people find vague quasi-philosophy far more compelling than they ought to.

The Fly Ball

This is a true story based on Conservapedia's liberalized version of The Fly Ball.

One Sunday afternoon a dozen teenagers gathered for a game of coed softball against a rival team from another church. The girls were sent off to bake cookies while the boys played ball - a sensible precaution to protect the girls from pants-related injuries.

In this case though the first team's coach noticed a new player whom he'd seen only before in church services. He suffered from a severe case of cerebral palsy, making it difficult for him to walk or use his arms. This aside, he always had a warm smile on his face and he brought a softball glove to play.

The coach, against his better judgment, told him to be the right-fielder. The coach knew that in softball the ball is hit to the right field less frequent than to other positions. This was supposed to be a friendly game between churches, but turned out to be far more competitive than that.

The game went smoothly for several innings. But the other team was good, and was hitting the ball hard. The inevitable disaster then struck in the 6th inning, with several runners on base and two outs. A batter for the other team hit a line drive directly at the right fielder. The coach, and indeed his entire team, turned in dreadful anticipation as they watched the ball travel at a high speed right at the player with cerebral palsy. The player held up his glove moments after the ball had already sailed over his head. The opposing team went on to win the game. His team erupted in howls of anger and his ever-present smile was replaced by a pained and tortured look. The angry parents confronted the coach and demanded to know why he allowed the child to play? The coach could not explain himself and had to admit that he had violated conservative free market principles by allowing affirmative action to influence his decisions. The cursed child was forever banned from playing softball, but out of Christian charity was allowed to join the girls' cookie baking efforts. With the dead-weight removed, the team went on to win every game.

The child excelled in cookie baking and was completely happy with his new found position right up until the point he threw himself in front of a train.