“”We're goin' nowhere mighty fast.
|—NASCAR marketing slogan|
“”I can't get right.
“”So, er, you really like Tide, eh?
|—A confused Canadian NASCAR passenger|
Imagine driving several hundred miles at a very high rate of speed over the course of a few hours. Now imagine that after having done all of that, you end up in the exact same place that you started from. If you are feeling shame at these thoughts, then you understand NASCAR.
Driving in NASCAR is the grown-up equivalent of those jobs where you stand on the street corner, wearing a board that reads, "Sale at McMahan's Furniture Store!" or wearing a hot dog suit and shouting, "Ask me about my weiner!" It is an upgrade, however: where previously you could only shamelessly whore for one business at a time, now you can efficiently sell your dignity to hundreds of businesses — simultaneously!
How to succeed in NASCAR
Repeat 800 times:
- Go fast
- Turn left