|
Nominations and Campaigning for the 2024 RationalWiki Moderator Election are now open |
User:Jonno/Sandbox EP
FIRST DRAFT
Elvis Aaron Presley was a hugely popular American musician, and fan of all things fried and burgery. He remains a cultural icon known as "The King of Rock and Roll", although you can just call him King, baby. All hail, ah-hu-hu. Thankyouverymuch.
Life[edit]
He rocked. He rolled. He wore blue suede shoes, and wanted a little less conversation. He wondered if you were lonesome tonight, and he hated those God-damned Commies.
Death[edit]
The King died on his throne on August 16, 1977 at the age of forty-two (gasp!), down in Memphis, Tennesse. Already plagued by declining health, the cause of his death has been officially ascribed to a potent cocktail of drugs:
- Morphine
- Demerol
- Chloropheniramine
- Placidyl
- Vailum
- Codeine
- Ethinamate
- Quaaludes
- Misc.
The cause of death was at the time however marked as "cardiac arrhythmia", essentially an irregularity in the operation of the heart, and is now considered to have been a bit of cover-up. Elvis didn't do no drugs! His funeral was held at his home, "Graceland", on Thursday, August 18. Many thousands came to pay their respects/ogle, and during this time a couple of women were run over and killed which added greatly to the overall theme.
Perhaps given the initial suppression as to cause of death, there was in some quarters a scepticism which has continued to present times. Whilst a number of conspiracy theories have been propounded, pop culture references to the King are now so ingrained that is is often difficult to discern the nutters serious from the piss-takers. Needless to say, middle-aged women all over America have met the King in any number of Walmart outlets although these sightings of course in no way constitute proof of his continued existence.
He Lives![edit]
The contention is that Elvis is alive and well - or at least was when he was purported to have died - and living under the name "John Burrows" (or some derivation), a pseudonym used several times. The strongest related evidence seems to be that, by account, somebody who "looked remarkably like Elvis purchased a ticket for Buenos Aeries, paid in cash, and used the name"[1]. There you go then. His death was fraudulent, obviously. Fact of the matter is that Elvis is known to have used several aliases throughout his lifetime[2], so... where are they going with this?
There are so many theories that it would not be practical to mention them all. Needless to say, they are all utter nonsense. A few favourites:
- The dead man is not Elvis, but an impersonator who took over so that the King could float away from the horrible pressures of fame, adoration, money and nubile teenage girls begging for sex. This allowed him to do other things, such as those mentioned below.
- Doesn't it strike anybody as odd that such a man would want to be remembered as lying in a pool of his own vomit having just churned out another hit?
- Elvis was under Mafia threat, so faked his own death in order to offer testimony.
- Eh? What testimony?
- Elvis gave up his career to work undercover for the Drug Enforcement Agency.
- Ignoring the fact that the King had an obvious fondness for drugs, this seems an odd career move for an internationally recognised superstar.
- Elvis gave up his career to work for the CIA against the Communist "threat".
- See above, without so many drugs.
- Elvis actually lives in a retirement home with JFK, the famous black and disabled US president who was not shot, and fights Egyptian mummies who somehow appear in America from time-to-time.[3]
- By far the most plausible theory.
The Truth[edit]
Elvis is dead. Get over it.