User:LitteringAnd/Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is the act of providing nutrition to an infant in the form of milk produced from one or both breasts of a female. This method of feeding is effective, economical, and can be an excellent source of self-righteousness.

Babies are a bunch of needy clingers

Studies have found that feeding an infant will significantly increase its chance of survival. Unfortunately, newborns emerge from the factory without the necessary motor skills or properly developed digestive system required to process solid foods. This shameful lack of basic bodily functions limits the diet of an infant to either breast milk or the chemically-produced equivalent known as “formula”. Choosing the correct food is critical lest the baby feel unloved and grow up to be a deformed, disease-ridden Satanist.

Strange Breast-Fellows

The breastfeeding debate does not fit the mold of most hot button issues. While there are similarities such as: Celebrities-R-Smert, A-Website-Told-Me-So, and Well-in-MY-Experience. The breastfeeding debate differs in that the majority of participants agree with the scientists. You know, who have facts and stuff. Overwhelming research has shown, and it is generally accepted that, breast milk is the preferred food for infants. Formula is only to be used when breast milk is not available for whatever reason (such as the mother being less of a woman). So, the breastfeeding debate is not about whether or not “breast is best” but more about subscribing to the correct breastfeeding philosophy. What is the correct length of time a baby should be nursed? Is it proper to breastfeed in public? How long should a baby remain in the care of a guardian who is cold-hearted enough to feed the baby formula?

Formula: Liquid Evil

For parents who are completely devoid of love for their child, formula-feeding offers some advantages over breastfeeding. One major benefit is that formula is fed by bottle. And a bottle is not a breast. There are societies where nary an eye is batted at public breastfeeding because nursing is viewed as a natural thing for a mother to do. But there are also societies that still tend to giggle and squirm when in the vicinity of a nursing baby. Even if a blanket is used to shield innocent eyes from the innocent act of feeding an innocent baby, the very thought that there might be an exposed boobie under that blanket can cause all nearby pearls to be clutched. (This article is at a loss to explain this phenomenon. Are publicly-exposed breasts only acceptable when dollar bills are flying around? Or when attached to non-women?) Another benefit is that formula allows the father (or nearest Not-The-Momma) to participate in the feeding activities. Exclusive nursing (as all things divinely mandated) takes a toll on the mother. Alternatives to the standard mother/baby nursing model exist (such as wet nurses and milk banks). But the brunt of the feeding duties generally fall on the mother. Supplementing or replacing breast milk with formula alleviates some of the stress on the mother while allowing the baby to form stronger bonds with Satan other family members.

Other benefits of formula (besides access to the express lane to Hell):

• Filler. Formula is a good supplement if the mother can't produce enough milk or if she works and can’t/won’t pump. It can also help babies who are struggling to gain weight.
• Drug-free. Since formula does not come from the mother, there is no risk to the baby from the mother taking prescription (or other) medicines. Not that she should be taking any medicines at all, right, Tom?
• E-commerce. Keeps traffic flowing to blogs and sites spouting the evils of formula.

Bad things about formula (besides eternal damnation)

• Cost. Breast milk is basically free. While a can of formula costs around $20 and may only last a few days. That’s a lot of money that could otherwise be spent on other child-relating things. Such as diapers, organically grown baby wipes, and strollers the size of assault vehicles.
• Convenience. Since formula must be prepared on demand, parents are forced to haul around the necessary formula-making equipment in pastel bags embroidered with unhealthy amounts of twee. Short-order formula preparation also requires hand-eye coordination in the middle of the night.
• Bottles. Not only do parents need to make sure that the bottles they use are ergonomic, BPA-free, and better than what everyone else is using, they will need to wash those bottles at least one hundred thousand trillion times over the course of a baby's nursing career.
• Odor. Formula smells bad. Real bad.

New meaning to “Goin’ to the Titty Bar”

Things that make breast milk better than formula (besides everything)

• Cost. All you need is a supply of woman-breasts and you are good to go. Breast milk can even be profitable if a woman gives to a milk bank and/or provides services to Adult Baby Fetishists.
• Adaptable. Unlike the formulaic nature of formula (ha!), breast milk adapts to the needs of the baby. As the baby grows, so too does the amount of fat and protein in the milk, encouraging growth.
• Immunity. Related to breast milk’s adaptability. A baby is born without any defense against the germs of the world (especially congressional germs). Breast milk is capable of supplying the baby with antibodies found in the mother.
• Happy hormones. The chemical required to “let down” breast milk is oxytocin. Yep. Moving on…
• Social deviancy (if desired). See: “ew, boobies in public”
• Equipment. Unless a mother pumps milk, breastfeeding requires far less upkeep than formula-feeding. In fact, if the baby is nursed exclusively, the only equipment needed is an effective means of storing the breasts, such as a padded nursing bra. The nearest pair of hands will do, but should be considered a temporary option.
• Pornstar figure. The production of milk causes the glands in the breasts to expand and grow. This increase in breast size often becomes permanent, though at a lower elevation.
• The one secret your gym doesn’t want you to know! Related to the previous point, the average nursing mother will burn at least 500 calories per day just by being a walking milk factory.
• Odor. Breast milk, if it smells at all, is almost kind of pleasant.
• Judgey McDipshits. The only way to prevent God from killing puppies (sorry, kittens) is to nurse exclusively. A mother who is fulfilling her sole purpose as a woman is a difficult target for self-righteous assholes. Without a filthy heathen to condemn, the path to the release of pent-up smug lies in the purity of the milk itself. Which leads to….

Cons of breastfeeding (besides none)

• Abstinence only. As previously mentioned, a mother can pass her immunity on to her baby through breast milk. However, breast milk is an equal opportunity transfer system. Whatever is in the mother’s system will end up in the baby, though not in as concentrated amounts as during pregnancy. Professional Tsk-tskers love this fact because the number of potential substances that could deem breast milk unsuitable is limitless. Medical associations (again with the science!) recommend that some substances be limited or avoided while nursing, such as illicit drugs, excessive alcohol, and some prescription medicines. But those in the field of Informed! Decisions! believe that doctors are in bed with Big Everything and that the full list of harmful substances is far more extensive (Actual list: 1. Everything 2. Anything 3. Everything and anything). A mother who exclusively nurses can only keep her Perfect Woman badge if she takes every precaution necessary to avoid even the smallest chance that a single drop of her milk may contain one molecule of something unwholesome. Many women find this task daunting because of the dearth of qualified, free-range holy men available to bless everything she puts in her body (food or otherwise).
• Open 24 hours. Unless a mother pumps, she must always be within sucking distance of her charge (also a frequent condition of lobbying agreements.
• Wear and tear. Contrary to what is portrayed in adult films, frequent and intense stimulation of the nipples can cause pain and/or injury. You know that pain you get when you bite the inside of your cheek? Well, imagine having someone vacuum suck on that bite 8 to 10 times a day for months.
• Social deviancy. Also mentioned in the benefits section. The Ew-Boobies people can be a big source of stress for nursing mothers who are uncomfortable when people stand around giggling like Beavis and Butthead whenever she feeds her child.
• Spontaneous leakage. Oh, grow up. Where else is the milk supposed to go if the breast is full and there aren't any available babies nearby? Fortunately, unless the sudden appearance of wet spots on a woman’s shirt is required for comedic effect on film or TV, removable pads in the bra should be enough to contain the leakage. Plus, that whole nursing=oxytocin thing happens with or without a baby present.
• Judgey McDipshits (again). Some mothers choose to breastfeed exclusively. Others choose formula, or pumped breast milk, or wet nurses, or milk banks, or any number of methods to feed their babies. Many come to this decision through extensive research, consulting their loved ones, and seeking the advice of doctors. And, even with massive amounts of preparation, no one knows what will work until the baby is actually there. To these mothers, breastfeeding is just one of many options to be considered. To the rest (and to the dickwads with no standing in this debate), breastfeeding is the one and only option – anything less is nothing but a mother failing to mother.