CLoM » Species of WebFauna, Part II

Species of WebFauna, Part II

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A post I wrote a while back. I'm going to just post this pretty quickly. Then I have to go out and do some Teen Alcoholism.

11. INSANE OSCILLATING CHIMERA

I don’t have anything written for this, but you’ve got to admit, the name is cool. Come on, just look at that name.

12. EXTREME TAXPAYER

Judging by his comments, this guy supports the government all by himself. Usually an indignant buffoon, the Extreme Taxpayer doesn’t have much time for people who don’t pay taxes, and will urgently remind you of the greater importance of people who pay taxes, a group that incidentally includes him, because of the huge amount of important taxes he pays. Don’t even try to pay more taxes than him: he has an infinite capacity for paying taxes.

Extreme Taxpaying is a dangerous sport, and should only be attempted by cardigan-wearing Tory sheepdogs.

13. SURPRISINGLY FAST DETECTIVE

The Surprisingly Fast Detective appears on a discussion and soberly asks everyone a question. An example would be “Hey, do you guys think Sarkozy is trying to undermine our sovereignty? I’m worried, man. I think he might be trying to undermine our sovereignty.”

The fact is, this guy has already decided what he thinks. Even though he really thinks he is considering the matter impartially, he is only asking this question so he can listen to someone else who agrees with him, and is not really paying attention anyway. Any comment, no matter the content or relevance, will push him into certainty, and his next comment is bound to be something like “Thanks guys. I never trusted Sarkozy anyway. It makes you think, right?”

This guy is such an idiot, and needs a good hard slap.

14. OUTRAGEOUS GUY

You can’t handle Outrageous Guy. Maybe it’s because he’s a goth, or because he’s gay, or because of his support for radical unpopular politicians like Barack Obama, but you just can’t handle him. He will appear, and tell you about himself for hours, and then you will slightly annoy him somehow, and he will leave in disgust. You just proved you can’t handle Outrageous Guy. God, why are you such a dick?

15. CONSPIRACY DEAREST

A paperthin shell of cynical chocolate with a thick, infantile center. The Conspiracy Dearest has the bold cynicism to assert that everything is secretly under control. Unlike the deluded populous, the Conspiracy Dearest sees that everything that appears random or horrible is actually explainable by the influence of omnipotent human government, who make sure everything is alright and nice. Don’t be so credulous as to suggest that human society is actually ruled only by chaos and petty hatred, because the Conspiracy Dearest will be forced to refute you. It’s hard, but you have to grow up and accept that everything is fine.

16. SUPERCOOL HYPNOTIC DUDE

A rather specific thing, this one. The Supercool Hypnotic Dude appears somewhere and puts forward an original proposal, while subtly phrasing it as if he is agreeing with an established consensus. The result will surely be instant capitulation! An example would be “Yeah, this picture is whack. Anyway, I go with deleting it.”

Nice try.

17. LIVING BILLBOARD

A Person Who Inexplicably Types Every Word With A Capital Letter At The Beginning. Not Only Is This Deeply Weird, It’s Actually Much Harder To Do, Which Suggests That The Living Billboard Does This Out Of A Special Effort To Fit In. Seriously, What The Hell?

18. BIONICALLY ENHANCED CHAD

You know how it goes. You’re bored, talking to this dumb guy who can’t use his shift key, and who doesn’t realize anything exists outside his window. It’s all very normal: he’s stupid, but sort of likeable.

All of a sudden — what the fuck? This guy is secretly a genius at one specific thing, and doesn’t think it’s strange or even notable. You enter a deathmatch with him and he moves like Xit Vono on wheels. Or maybe you watch him play chess and he beats people in five moves. Or he’s one of those people who write music effortlessly. Or he’s one of those cheerful happy students who can get As on any exam just by thinking about it. But despite that, he is still palpably unintelligent.

None of that was irony. These people really exist, and it isn't fair.

19. SET-PIECE PRATFALLER

“Haha, I have signed up to this website and left an angry comment! Look, everyone is so mad at me! What fools. Now, to sign in again and refute this gibberish they have offered me.”

“...wait, what was my password again? Fuck.”

I have no evidence this type exists, but it would explain so much. So very much.

20. STORM TROOPER OF HAPPINESS

The Storm Trooper of Happiness is just a normal guy who knows that suffering doesn’t exist. You and him will get along fine as long as you don’t try to convince him that you’re unhappy or unable to support yourself financially. He doesn’t buy that hippy bullshit.

21. SUPPORTER OF RAPISM

People who are cautiously positive on the subject of rape and abuse. This viewpoint is mysteriously underrepresented in non-internet discussions, hopefully because of bloodshed. This species of WebFauna is unique in that it should be punched in the face as much as possible.

22. DWIGHT V. WRITER

What happens when extremist philosophies gain mainstream popularity? In Dwight V. Writer’s latest self-published thriller, The Eagle and the Serpent, he shows us the answer. Stacy Hott is a sassy journalist who is not afraid to use her womanly charms to get her scoop. She is frustrated and unappreciated by her sexist boss, but all that changes when she meets Gordon Vicarious, a world famous author and would-be whistleblower. When the pair attempt to foil Barack Obama’s plot to stamp out Christianity, the result is an epic battle that cuts to the heart of the culture wars. Rarely has the conflict between socialism and rationality been portrayed with such nuance. The proud recipient of one 5-star review on Amazon, The Eagle and the Serpent is taking the literary world by storm!

--Mei (talk) 15:33, 9 April 2010 (UTC)

--Edited, Mei (talk) 19:49, 9 April 2010 (UTC)

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I enjoy your sarky literary critiques. The living billboard thing is odd, and I have definitely seen that. I believe that all nouns are capitalised in German, but certainly not every single word. I used to know outrageous guy in real-life, and was frequently accused of "not getting him". It's kind of hard to relate to a mentally insecure sociopath.

By the way, PRATT could join the list. There's nothing quite so special as some guy joining an atheist wiki/forum to introduce everyone to the totally original and amazingly irrefutable funtacular Pascal's Wager. Oh, and happy birthday.--^{Ask me about your mother} 15:59, 9 April 2010 (UTC)

If you did not get Outrageous Guy, you just need to chill out and stop being so uptight, dude. God, why are you such a dick? :3 Mei (talk) 11:12, 10 April 2010 (UTC)

I will totally do something about fundamentalists at some point, if I can think of a good name and description. There is something inherently hilarious about arguments like 'I've never seen a dishwasher turn into a lightbulb!' Mei (talk) 11:12, 10 April 2010 (UTC)

Ha, maybe an idea for a fun article about the evolution of household appliances. Personally I'm in the intelligent design camp. --^{Ask me about your mother} 14:36, 11 April 2010 (UTC)

Oh yeah? Well then explain how 2 blue socks left in an empty drawer over-night gives you 1 green sock and 14 wire coat-hangers the next morning. --PsyGremlinPraat! 14:43, 11 April 2010 (UTC)

That's a different matter. Evolution deals only with the speciation of household appliances. It does not try to explain why socks magically appear and disappear. Intelligent design however explains that your sock and coathanger thing happened because it was willed by Zanusi, the god of washing machines. It's obvious that you lack training in household appliance theology, thus you're really not qualified to do anything other than nod when I say my clever things. --^{Ask me about your mother} 14:48, 11 April 2010 (UTC)

* nods head * --PsyGremlinПоговорите! 14:53, 11 April 2010 (UTC)

ಠ_____ಠ Mei (talk) 22:31, 11 April 2010 (UTC)

Extreme taxpayer

Sounds a lot like the teabaggers to me. Even though I know for a fact that I pay more taxes than they do! Lord Goonie ^{Hooray! I'm helping!} 20:46, 10 April 2010 (UTC)