User:SuperJosh/Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang/Episode 1

From RationalWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

By SJ Debaser

Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang follows the wacky exploits and misadventures of Andrew Schlafly and his trustworthy gang of Conservapedians.

Episode One: The Mystery of the Homosexual Agenda

Morning drive

One misty November morning, Schlafly Doo and the CP gang were driving to the local malt shop for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes. It was a big day for them; Schlafly Doo had received a call that morning from an informer inside the CIA about a plan by the new affirmatively action-elected President to centralise a major US bank. The Republican CIA worker was relying on Schlafly Doo to expose the President for the socialist he was. Schlafly Doo was already in the know; him and the gang had suspected a socialist agenda for some time, and he was only too ready for it.

"Say, Schlafly Doo," said TK, who was driving the Conservapedia Mystery Van, "what information have you got on Obama?"

"His middle name's Hussein," said Schlafly Doo smiling, "what more proof do you need?"

"What?" asked T-3PO, a recent addition to the Conservapedia gang. He'd joined only a few hours previously. "Is that all you're basing this on? The fact that his middle name is Hussein? Don't you think that to prove the President of the United States of America is actually a communist you need more a bit more of an argument than his middle name being that of a dead terrorist?"

""T-3PO", if that is your real name," said Schlafly Doo, "not only have you contributed minimally in this Adventure so far, you insist on mimicking the name of our very own TK by simply removing the letter "K" and replacing it with "3PO"."

"What's your point?" asked T-3PO, "mine remains valid; that you have little or no proof besides the fact that the President's middle name is "Hussein"."

"If you won't admit that our President is a terrorist-helping Communist," declared Schlafly Doo, "there's little point trying to hold a logical discussion with you."

Jpatt and Kendoll, who were sitting in the back seat of the Conservapedia van reached across and opened the sliding door, grinning evilly.

"Please," said Schlafly Doo, "open your mind, for your sake." And Jpatt booted T-3PO from the van.

"Dirty liberal," said Karajou (who was also there by the way), "it's pretty obvious Obama's a socialist, who needs proof when you have faith?"

"Exactly, Karajou," said Schlafly Doo, "exactly."

Into Washington

An hour later, after recharging from the blocking expulsion of T-3PO with two rounds of frosty chocolate milkshakes down at the malt shop where the skirts end below the knee and the jukebox never stops, the Conservapedia Gang were on their way to the CIA headquaters in Washington (probably, I'm not sure where it is and I'm afraid to look it up in case I get arrested).

As the Mystery van rolled into downtown Washington, the Conservapedia gang witnessed a parade going on through the main street. There were a lot of colourfully-dressed people around, all with well groomed hair and manicured nails.

"What's going on here?" asked Schlafly Doo.

"I don't know," said Jpatt, "It looks to me... like a... a..."

"Oh, no!" said Karajou, "it's-"

"Yes!" said TK. "A gay pride parade!"

The five upstanding conservatives recoiled in disgust at the unholy pilgrimage going on in their capital city.

"We've got to stop this!" said Schlafly, "it's our moral right as Christians, as Americans!"

"Schlafly Doo is right," said TK, "men, we need a plan!"

"We should report it to the FBI!" said Jpatt, "it worked for Schlafy Doo that one time... didn't it?"

"Nothing happened with the FBI, Jpatt!" said Schlafly Doo.

"But, I distinctly remember-"

"NOTHING HAPPENED!" shouted Schlafly Doo.

"Listen, guys, we need to stop this," said Kendoll, "At the moment, we're sitting ducks, soon they're going to notice us, try and style our hair and force us to watch A Streetcare Named Desire."

"You're right Kendoll," said Schlafly Doo, "I'll phone for help from the police, this super-gay parade can't possibly be legal."

"Good idea, Schlafly Doo," said TK, caressing Schlafly Doo's face lovingly.

*

Outside in the gay pride parade, a gay marcher nammed Gary sniffed the phonecall. He nudged his chum Bert in the arm, who told him he could feel something wrong with the vibe of the parade. Then they noticed the van.

*

TK, in the driving seat, noticed the gays turn to the van in one swift manouevere.

"Schlafly Doo!" shouted TK, "They are coming!"

Noticing the gays approaching the van, Schlafly shouted, "has everyone got their garlic?"

"Garlic?!" asked Jpatt, panicking.

"The garlic, Jpatt, the garlic!" said TK, "Everyone knows gays are allergic to garlic!"

"Maybe we should put the garlic in our posterior's so the gays can't do anything naughty to us!" suggested Kendoll.

"Don't be a fag!" said Karajou.

The door opened and a big gay man named Bear reached for Schlafly Doo.

"Nooooooooo!" shouted Schlafly, throwing a piece of garlic at him, at which point Bear promptly began screaming in pain. his face becoming horribly disfigured.

"Stop right there!" shouted a voice.

Schlafly Doo looked outside the van and saw a big bunch of police officers running towards the van.

"Thank God." said Schlafly Doo.

The first victory

Ten minutes later, all the poofs were in handcuffs. The leading gay, Bear, had explained to the police that it was a simple gay pride march.

"Well that just about wraps things up!" said Policeman number one.

"Not quite." said Schlafly Doo. "That doesn't explain why you had an allergic reaction to the garlic."

"But Schlafly Doo, you said it yourself, gays are allergic to garlic." said TK.

"When gays are exposed to garlic, they will most likely recoil in fear of the garlic stench sticking to their fingers, and getting their hands all greasy," said Schlafly Doo. "Bear's face melted. I don't think you're a gay at all. Let's see who you REALLY are!"

Schlafly Doo reached out and pulled Bear's face off to reveal that of none other than...

"I knew it!" said Schlafly Doo.

"Barack Obama!" said Policeman number two, "but why?"

"Dammit!" shouted the President, "I was trying to overthrow the government and establish the Union of Soviet Socialist Americas."

"I knew it!" said Schlafly Doo.

"Yeah, I bet you did." said Barack Obama, "And I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you meddling Conservatives!"

"Bake him away, toys." said Policeman number one.

"What, captain?" said Policeman Number two.

"I mean, take him away, boys!"

After the benders and socialists were all rounded up, the Conservapedia gang congregated back in the van.

"Well done, Schlafly Doo," said TK, "another victory for Conservatives everywhere!"

"This has inspired me to write another pathetic article for Conservapedia, in which I clutch at straws for the links between liberal traits!" said Kendoll, "I'm feeling "Atheism and Homoseuxals and Socialists."

"But... today had nothing to do with Atheism, Ken." said Karajou.

"Oh, Karajou, so naive!" said Schlafly Doo, "atheism OBVIOUSLY turned those people to homosexuality and socialism."

"Of course!" said Karajou. "You're right Schlafly Doo. As always!"

"Andy Schlafly Dooooooooooooooo!" woo-ed Schlafly Doo, to the tune of a certain cartoon dog who cannot be named for copyright reasons.


The End.