User:SuperJosh/Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang/Episode 2

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An original work by SJ Debaser.

Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang follows the wacky exploits and misadventures of Andrew Schlafly and his trustworthy gang of Conservapedians.

Episode Two: The Gay Tale of the Conservapedia Broadcasting Coup d'état

Surfin' US Net

One morning, Schlafly Doo was on his computer in his cosy New Jersey home. He was surfing the internet for “facts” which he could reproduce on Conservapedia which supported his particular agenda. He was finding it difficult, due to the notable lack of existence of said facts, but this didn’t bother Schlafly Doo. His particular brand of encyclopaedic entries allowed for one fact to be twisted into a different meaning.

Within twenty minutes, Schlafly Doo had found something. A link on a certain American news website took Schlafly Doo to a page entitled “Student grades fall by 3% in California.” After glancing at the title, Schlafly Doo deemed the source a proponent of his aim, and posted it immediately on the Conservapedia news page.

“Good catch, Mr Schlafly,” TK commented on the Main Page talk space, “Another fine and un-stupid example of Hollywood values and public school indoctrination ruining the youth of America!”

“Thanks, TK!” replied Schlafly Doo, “Next watch how liberals try and deny the significance of Hollywood values inflicting on public schools.”

“Schlafly Doo, you could teach the world a thing or two about liberal indoctrination!” commented Jpatt, “If you could get your message to these kids, America would be a better place!”

Schlafly Doo didn’t reply after this post, because he had a sudden idea. He picked up his conch shell that sat next to his computer and blew into it, producing a loud, resonating F#.

“Conservapedia Gang, assemble!” called Schlafly Doo.

Within six minutes, Schlafly Doo, TK, Jpatt, Kendoll, Karajou and a new Conservapedian named RKHessel were congregating in Schlafly Doo’s living room.

“Wonderful conch blowing, Mr Schlafly,” said Hessel, “And a D as well! Personally my favourite note.”

“Actually Hessel, the note was an F#.” replied Schlafly Doo,

“Are you sure?” asked Hessel innocently, “it sounded to me like a D.”

“No, Hessel,” said TK, “the note was an F#. You will respect Mr Schlafly.”

“It’s just that I actually have a PhD doctorate in music studies, and-“ began Hessel.

“NO, Hessel,” said Schlafly Doo, “your liberal teachings are not welcome here. Godspeed.”

Karajou and Barbie Kendoll, Schlafly’s musclemen, promptly jumped up and threw Hessel from the house.

“No point trying to hold a logical discussion with someone like that!” Schlafly Doo was saying to TK and Jpatt as Karajou and Kendoll entered the room again.

“Anyway, Schlafly,” asked Jpatt, “what did you summon us for?”

“I’m glad you asked, Jpatt,” said Schlafly Doo, “you remember this fair morn on Conservapedia you commented that if I could teach more children the good word of-“

“The bird?” asked Karajou.

“No, not the bird, Karajou!” said Schlafly Doo, “Jpatt said that if I could teach the good word of American conservatism on a larger scale, America would be a better place.”

“He’s right as always,” said TK, “Jpatt did say that.”

“Indeed I did.” said Jpatt.

“So how are you planning on spreading the good word, Schlafly Doo?” asked Kendoll.

“Oh, that’s easy,” said Schlafly, “we go on a cross-country tour speaking at public schools on the dangers of liberal teachings, how they cause mental illness, lead to homosexuality and such. We can use our informative articles from Conservapedia!”

“That’s a great idea, Schlafly Doo!” said TK.

“Thanks for telling me something I already know, TK!” said Schlafly Doo.

“I’m not objecting, Mr Schlafly,” said Karajou, “but that sounds like it could take a long time. Wouldn’t it be easier if we somehow gained control of mainstream media channels, like television? That way, everyone would see the message, as it’s a known fact that the average public school student watched over three hours of TV a day!”

“That’s a good idea, Karajou!” said Schlafly Doo, “now reword it so it sounds like my idea!”

A little bit of time later...

Two and a half days later, Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang were in Los Angeles, where they planned to take over the American broadcasting services and spread a message by Schlafly Doo publicising Conservapedia and its teachings.

The Gang had just rolled into the broadcasting services parking lot and were getting ready to leave the van.

“OK gang,” said Schlafly Doo, “everyone put on their LPS’!”

The Conservapedia gang had packed LPS’, or Liberal Protection Suits with them to help prevent any liberal indoctrination from reaching them. The suits were full body suits with protective masks, similar to astronaut suits. The suits had a constant feed of the “best Conservative songs” playing in them to block out any liberal sounds from the outside. As well as this, the suits were equipped with a liberal-to-conservative translator, to make any audio signal received from an outside source family friendly for the Conservapedia gang to hear. In addition, Schlafly Doo had recorded a few all purpose phrases on a tape recorder before leaving New Jersey so he wouldn’t have to talk directly to any liberals.

“Everyone got their emergency, homophobic-garlic spray, too?” asked TK.

“Check!” replied Kendoll.

“OK, good luck gentlemen!” said Schlafly Doo

The Gang of Five left the van, Schlafly Doo on point with Karajou bringing up the rear. As Karajou was the only one with known military experience, he initially intended to take point, but Schlafly Doo made it clear that even though he had no military experience or combat training, he’d probably be better than Karajou simply because he was Andrew Schlafly.

The Conservapedia Gang stormed the building. Fortunately, there were no guards around, so the gang proceeded straight to the main broadcasting studio. Bill O’Reilly was doing a special on Al-Qaeda and 9/11, but Karajou and Kendoll dragged him out of his seat. O’Reilly was screaming “Terrorists! Terrorists!” but was dragged from the studio.

“Good evening liberal masses,” began Schlafly Doo, “My name is Andy Schlafly Doo, and I come to you today to spread the word of the Christian Lord Jesus Christ and the online Conservapedia movement. Did you know that the evolution article at Conservapedia is being viewed by more and more people across America? You can run but you can’t hide!”

All of a sudden, Schlafly Doo passed out, receiving the head-desk treatment which so many of his site’s viewers had experienced as a result of him.

Escape from victory

Schlafly Doo woke up in an interrogation room at the broadcasting company. He found himself tied to a chair with two guards bearing M-16’s standing on either side of the only door. Tied up around him were Jpatt, TK and Kendoll. Jpatt remained unconscious while TK and Kendoll were both awake.

“Schlafly Doo! You’re awake!” exclaimed Kendoll.

“What happened?” asked Schlafly Doo, “where’s Karajou?”

“A commando squad of liberals busted into the studio just as you were starting,” said TK, “They fired a tranquiliser dart at you! We tried to stop them, but they used liberal mind-control techniques to defeat us!”

“They started talking about some ridiculous so-called ‘proof’ of an old earth and tried to make us… to make us…” Kendoll couldn’t go on.

“They tried to get us to learn French,” said TK, “Karajou escaped, but they’re hunting him down.”

At that point, the door opened and a tall white bearded man with a ponytail, glasses and sandals wearing a suit walked in.

“ARGH! It’s a liberal!” shouted TK.

“What’s happened to our Liberal Protection Suits?” cried Schlafly. “Where’s our anti-liberal garlic?”

“We’ve taken them,” said the liberal hippy, “and you’re being detained for parking in a disabled bay without a sticker. I think you’ll find escape is quite impossible.”

At that point, Karajou jumped in through the open door and, thanks to the Second Amendment, shot the liberal dead, as well as the two guards.

“C’mon fellow conservatives!” he said, “lets get out of here!”


Two days later, the Conservapedia gang were congregating back in Schlafly Doo’s living room back in New Jersey.

“Well gang,” began Schlafly, “we may have failed in our ultimate objective, but I think we could publicise the example of liberal repression experienced by us at the hands of that hippy back in Los Angeles.”

“Good idea!” said TK, “I can write an article about it! Liberal suppression. It can tell the tale of how Schlafly Doo saved us from the evil liberal.”

“Wait,” said Karajou, “I was under the impression that I was the one that actually saved us from the liberal and busted you guys outta that medium-security detention centre.”

“Really?” said Schlafly Doo, “Is that really what you think happened, Karajou? Don’t you distinctly remember me being the one that gnawed through the ropes and knocked out each guard with a single punch and flew all of you back to New Jersey on my little finger?”

“Oh yeah!” said Karajou, “of course. You’re right Schlafly Doo. You were the hero.”

“Andy Schlafly Doo!” howled Schlafly Doo.

The End.