User:SuperJosh/Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang/Episode 3

From RationalWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

By SJ Debaser.

Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang follows the wacky exploits and misadventures of Andrew Schlafly and his trustworthy gang of Conservapedians.

Episode Three: The Unusual Fable of the Terrorist Well Conspiracy

Liberals and wells

"And that's why you'll never be a bureaucrat, Kendoll!" Schlafly Doo finished explaining to Kenservative one morning over Conservapedia.

"I suppose that's fair," replied Ken, "after all, Andy, you know best!"

"Ha!" replied Schlafly Doo, "of course I do."

At this point, TK ran into Schlafly's front room.

"Schlafly Doo, come quick!" TK was saying, "there's trouble down at the ole swimmin' hole!"

"What is it?" asked Schlafly Doo as he rose from his chair, equipped himself with his 12-gauge hunting shotgun and ran with TK out the door.

"A little girl fell down the well next to the swimmin' hole," TK informed Schlafly Doo, "we need to get her out of there now and we needed someone who has the biggest gun in all the land so she can grab it to get out of there!"

"Have you entertained the idea that this could be a conspiracy?" asked Schlafly Doo, as he and TK jumped into TK's 4x4 SUV gasguzzler.

"I haven't considered it yet, Andy!" said TK.

"Well I think we should!" said Schlafly, "it's entirely within the realm of possibility that liberals, or maybe even Al-Qaeda were involved!"

Schlafly Doo and TK arrived at the ole swimmin' hole after driving the ten seconds it took to get there (the swimmin' hole was literally about 50 yards from Schlafly Doo's house) to find a crowd gathering around the well.

Exiting the SUV, Schlafly lowered his gun into the well for the four year old girl to grab on to. He passed the handle end to the girl, who wrapped her hand round the trigger while the barrel of the gun was pointing directly at Schlafly Doo's face.

"Uh, Schlafly Doo?" asked TK, "Are you sure that's safe?"

"Please, TK!" said Schlafly, smiling confidently, "I've been playing with guns since I was born! You know what I got for my first birthday? A Colt .45 revolver!"

"I know, but should the shiny end be pointing directly at your face?" asked TK.

"Shutup Terry-" started Schlafly Doo, before he realised he was being yanked directly into the well by the girl on the other end of the gun.

Schlafly Doo looked at the girl he had come to rescue and saw that she was pointing the gun directly at his face.

"Good evening, Mr Schlafly," said the girl in an upper-class English gentleman's accent, "I suppose you're wondering why you're here."

TK does something

"Oh no!" said TK, aloud to no one in particular, "I'd better call the rest of the Conservapedia Gang."

TK wrote a hurried note on a piece of paper; "Schlafly Doo in trouble (again), ole swimmin' hole, New Jersey, hurry!", folded the paper into an airplane shape and flew it high into the air. Unfortunately, it was shot down over New York by Air Force One, mistaken for a terrorist threat.

"Screw it, I'll just call them." said TK, picking up his phone.

*

"You see, Mr Schlafly," the little girl continued in her upper class, clipped accent, "we've had our eye on you for some time now. Your continued declaration of a so-called "liberal agenda" and such brought you to our attention."

"What... what are you?" asked the confused Schlafly Doo.

"I am an agent for an organisation bent on supporting and promoting the liberal agenda. We are called "The American Organisation of Support and Promotion for the Liberal Agenda." And we are here to silence you, once and for all."

"My goodness..." said Schlafly Doo, "the liberal agenda pushers. Just like the Communist International in the 1950s!"

"We are not communists, Mr Schlafly," continued the little girl, "we are liberals bent on equality of all human beings. We want equal rights for gays, prisoner rehabilitation schemes, and gun control, along with other things, all of which can be found on our website."

"It's the Comintern!" Schlafly shouted.

"Shutup, Mr Schlafly," said the little girl, "we are not Communists."

"Communists! Communists!" said Schlafly.

"I said shutup!" said the girl, striking Schlafly with the gun, "God, you're annoying!"

Unconventional instructions

Outside the well, Jpatt, Karajou and Kendoll had just arrived, flying to New Jersey from across America through the power of Christ.

"Glad to see you could make it here gentlemen!" said TK, "Come on! Our good conservative leader is in peril!"

The Fantastic Four surrounded the well, looking down into the drama unfolding below them. By now, the crowd of spectators had grown in number from four to six people.

"That girl's got a gun!" said Karajou.

"That's no girl!" said TK, "it's a sock! I thought I got all of them in Night of the Blunt Knives, but apparently one got through!"

"So what must we do?" asked Jpatt.

"I think a simple enough solution would be to throw a net over the sockpuppet and pull Andy up with a rope." suggested Kendoll.

"No, no, no," said TK, "I've been formulating an idea which is a lot more time-consuming and unnecessary!"

"I'm intrigued!" said Jpatt.

"Good!" said TK, "OK; Jpatt, you go and get a dining table which can seat at least twelve people, Karajou, you acquire five top hats, and Kendoll, get that French Prime Minister Sarkozy on the phone!”

“What are you going to do, TK?” enquired Karajou.

“I’m going to buy an apple pie.”

“I’m looking forward to where this is going!” said Jpatt, as the Four parted for their objectives.

*

“So…” said Schlafly Doo, “what is it exactly you want from me?”

“I think it’s fairly obvious, Mr Schlafly,” said the sockpuppet girl, “I want you to stop accusing the American public school system, the mainstream media, the Obama Administration, the Bible, the European Union…”

Twenty minutes later…

“…the Democratic Party and anyone that disagrees with your views as a “liberal”, or a proponent of a “liberal agenda.” Or else, we’re going to steal your glasses.”

“No!” said Schlafly Doo, “My glasses are my main source of power!”

“We will take your glasses,” said the sockpuppeter, “and we will send one lens to the New York Times, the other to the LA Times, press release style. We liberals are the people who connect your calls. We drive you’re ambulances. We haul your trash. We guard you while you sleep.”

The sockpuppet girl moved her face within an inch of Schlafly Doo’s.

“Do not fuck with us.”

After the Fight Club reference...

In the twenty minutes which had passed as the sockpuppeter riffed off a list of who and what Schlafly Doo had deemed as liberal, the Fantastic Four had congregated back outside the well. They’d each done an exceptional job; Jpatt had the dining table, complete with cutlery and tablecloth, Karajou handed TK five damn fine-lookin’ top hats, and Kendoll had returned with the French Prime Minister Nicholas Sarkozy.

“OK, great job guys!” said TK, eating his apple pie, “now my plan is simple and beautiful in essence; Jpatt pretends to have come down with a severe case of food poisoning, crying for help, while Kendoll and Mr Sarkozy have a fencing tournament to distract the crowd which is now staring at us in a befuddled manner. Karajou pretends to help Jpatt with his food poisoning whilst reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.”

“And you?” asked Karajou, “What will you do, TK?”

“I’m going to save Andy.” said TK, “give me the hats.”

*

“So to reiterate, shut the hell up in general!” said the sockpuppeteer down in the well.

All of a sudden, the sock girl found herself landed on by TK.

“Come on Andy, we’re gettin’ outta here!” TK put the five hats on top of Andy’s head to prevent any further damage to his brain and pulled both him and the sockpuppeteer up and out the well.

“Now,” said Schlafly Doo to the sockpuppet girl as Karajou disarmed her, “Let’s see what you REALLY are!”

Schlafly Doo reached up and pulled hard on the girl’s face.

“Argh!” she screamed, “what the hell are you doing!? Leave me alone!”

“Oops!" said Schlafly, "I guess she’s genuinely a little terrorist liberal girl!”

"You mean, you were wrong?" Jpatt asked Schlafly.

"Blasphemy!" yelled TK at Jpatt, "The Schlaflynator is NEVER wrong!"

“Wait…” said Schlafly Doo, sensing something amiss.

Quick as a flash, Schlafly Doo turned round and yanked off the face of one of the bystanders behind him to reveal none other than…

“ConservapediaUndergroundResistor!” cried Schlafly Doo. “But why?”

“For power!” said CUR, “and it’s Arthropleura now, and don’t you forget it!”

“You went through all this for power?” asked Jpatt, still cowering on the floor from the pretend food poisoning. "That doesn't make any sense, you weren't invovled in this, you were just a bystander!"

“Well, I pushed the girl into the well.” said Arthropleura.

"Ah, right," said Jpatt, "so then you'd get the power on the basis that Andy succumbed to her."

"But our Schlafly Doo's a bit stronger than that isn't he, Andy?" said TK admiringly to Andy.

"Damn straight I am!" said Schlafly Doo.

"I was going to take over Conservapedia and make it liberal. And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't-“

“-for us meddling conservatives!” completed the five reunited conservatives, laughing happily.

The five jumped in the air to high five, but Andy missed, but it was OK ‘cuz they had a fun day anyway.


The End.