User:SuperJosh/Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang/Episode 4

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By SJ Debaser.

Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang follows the wacky exploits and misadventures of Andrew Schlafly and his trusted gang of Conservapedians.

The Unjustified Quest for the College of the Liberal Professors

The "truth" shall set you free... maybe...

It was a Wednesday afternoon in sunny New Jersey and Mr Andrew Schlafly was just finishing his last class of the day, as two members of his Conservapedia gang walked in; TK and Kendoll. Schlafly paused for a moment as he looked at his two cronies. Then he smiled and said to the room, "class, these are my fellow patriots on Conservapdia, Ken and Terry."

"Ben and Jerry?" called a student from the back of the class, Jimmy.

"No, Jimmy," said Schlafly Doo, "you need to listen more carefully. Maybe you should contribute a bit more substantially to class and spend a bit less time watching Comedy Central!"

Several members of the class, laughed, while Andrew Schlafly sniggered at his own quick wit. "You got pwned!" shouted one member of the classroom.

"Anyway class, as I was saying, Lenski's conclusion can be discredited as null and void for his refusing to allow others to look at the data." finished Andrew Schlafly.

"So, to recap," said Andrew Schlafly to the world's largest homeschooled class of 50-something, "what have we learnt today... Angie?"

"About what, Mr Schlafly?" asked Angie. "You've packed my brain with so much knowledge I can hardly keep up!"

Mr Schlafly smiled, "Tell me something about Lenin."

"OK," said Angie, "Vladimir Lenin died in 1924 after suffering a series of strokes as a result of the mental illnesses he was suffering from following Marxist ideology."

"Very good, Angie!" said Mr Schlafly proudly, "OK class, it's 1 o'clock, which means it's the end of the day! Homework for tomorrow; boys, read the text on the English Civil War on pages 197-206. Girls, just read pages 197-198. See you tomorrow class, Godspeed!"

As Mr Schlafly's class departed, several students left items on his desk; one left an apple, another an orange, and a third left a rare picture of Ann Coulter signed by Fred Phelps. TK and Kendoll walked over to Mr Schlafly's desk.

"Good lecture, Schlafly Doo!" said Kendoll, "I liked the bit where that stuff happened with all the things."

"Yeah, it was very... exciting, seeing you in your element, Andy," said TK, licking his upper lip in a rather sexual kind of way (don't worry, that's as far as it goes TK, I'm not actually gonna make you and Andy do anything).

"Thanks guys," said Schlafly Doo.

"Mr Schlafly," said Angie, who had approached the desk, "I won't be in tomorrow as I have an interview for a place at New Jersey State University."

"Oh, really?" asked Andrew Schlafly, "best of luck to you, Angie. Not that you need it, I've taught you so well you should get in immediately! What are you applying to study?"

"Ancient Philosophy," said Angie, "I'm really looking forward to it too! It's such a great department; there are four classrooms, three of them have working doors and two of them have a chalkboard!"

"You mean blackboard." said Schlafly Doo.

"Uh... what," asked Angie.

"You said they have a chalkboard in two of the rooms, but I think you mean to say blackboard," said Andrew Schlafly, "see the word chalkboard is a result of liberal political correctness to change the name of something which might be considered offensive by one group to another name considered inoffensive. Anyhow, good luck tomorrow."

"Oh... kay, thanks Mr Schlafly! I'll see you on Friday." Angie said as she departed the classroom.

"Nice catch with the blackboard, Schlafly Doo!" said Kendoll.

"Yeah," added TK, "do you think the word "blackboard" should be added to the "Best Conservative Words" list?"

"Actually, you're right, it should!" said Schlafly Doo, quickly scribbling a note of this incredibly meaningless event down. As he wrote, he asked his fellow Conservapedians, "so what brings you guys here today?"

"Oh, no reason really," said Kendoll, "Me and TK were just coming back from Paris and we thought we'd stop over here."

"There's nothing going on, we weren't together together in Paris," said TK, quick to denounce the idea in Schlafly's mind that the two were intimate with one another, "we were just returning Nicholas Sarkozy and thought we'd pop in to see you."

"Oh, well, that's awfully nice," said Schlafly Doo, "do you guys want to go and grab a glass of malt?"

"Yeah, sure!" replied Kendoll.


Several hours later, the three were just finishing the last malts in the local New Jersey Malt Shop when the conversation turned to Conservapedia.

"You guys, I've been wondering about Conservapedia recently," said Schlafly Doo, "I don't think we're reaching far enough with our attempts to indoctrinate- I mean, spread the word of Conservapedia to America."

"I know what you mean, Schlafly Doo," said TK, "but what else can we do? Remember we tried that when we went to Los Angeles last month? That didn't work out too well."

"Yeah, but there must be something we can do." said Schlafly Doo.

"I dunno," said Kendoll, "maybe we should call a Conservapedia Gang meeting sometime soon so we can discuss it. Not now though, it's getting too late and we need to try and find a motel for the night."

"Well, I dunno how easy it'll be, Kendoll," said TK, "I spent all my money on malt and the return tickets from Paris."

"I've been meaning to ask you that," said Kendoll, "why, when you live on the other side of the country, did you decide to pay an extra two hundered bucks to come to New Jersey?"

"No reason," said TK innocently, staring at Andrew Schlafly, "anyway, I've got no money, and Kendoll spent all his at Disneyland Paris, so we've got nowhere to stay."

"Yeah, that's rough," said Andrew Schlafly, downing the last of his malt shake, "well, see you guys later!" And he departed the Malt Shop.

Ace Ventura McWicked: Rational Detective

The following day passed without incident in the classroom, apart from Mr Schlafly having to kick out an undercover reporter for RationalWiki from his classroom. The agent provocateur turned out to be Ace McWicked, but his cover was blown the second he walked in the door stinking of booze and surrounded by virtual bar whores from The Weeping Vagina Lion. After using the word "fuck" forty-seven times directly to Andrew Schlafly, Ace and his whores were escorted from the premises by Ben, the well-meaning security guard.

But I digress.

Angie returned on Thursday morning before class commenced at 11AM to talk to Schlafly Doo.

"Oh, hi Angie," Schlafly welcomed her, "why weren't you in yesterday?"

"I had an interview for a place at New Jersey University, don't you remember me telling you about it?"

"Um... no, I don't think so." said Schlafly Doo, "are you sure it was me you told?"

"Yes, Mr Schlafly," said Angie, "what other teacher of the world's largest homeschooled class would I have told?"

"You must be mistaken Angie, we've never had a conversation like that."

"Well, whatever, the point is that I didn't get in to the University!" said Angie, angrily.

"What?!" exclaimed an outraged Schlafly, "why on earth not?"

"I don't remember what they said word for word," said Angie, "but I distinctly remember the terms "moron", "crock", and "she must have a retarded teacher" being thrown around."

"Well what did you say once you got in to the interview?" asked Mr Schlafly.

"They asked me about Ancient Greece and Socrates, and I just discussed what I knew with them," said Angie, "they didn't like it and said that the standard I was being taught at was wholly inconsistent and at a far less basic level than would ever see me get into any college."

"Those liberal college professors are at it again!" exclaimed Schlafly Doo, "they've mocked me and my students for the last time!"

"What exactly do you mean, Mr Schlafly?" asked Angie.

"I'm talking about Professor values, Angie, Professor values!" said Schlafly Doo, "college professors are renowned for their disgraceful left-wing claptrap indoctrination of college students. Why do you think we have so many student protesters these days?"

"Well..." said Angie, "you don't think it's possible that some of the stuff you've taught us may be false? I mean I've checked on Wikipedia, and..."

Suddenly, the Mission Impossible theme tune started playing out of Mr Schlafly's top breast pocket on his jacket.

"Oh, hang on, that's my cell," said Schlafly, answering his phone, "hello? Oh, hi, TK, what... OK, sure. It's for you," said Schlafly Doo, handing his phone over to Angie.

"How DARE you attempt to contradict Andrew Schlafly, you old crone Angie!" said TK, "Not only is this tantamount to treason, but to sideline Mr Schlafly in favour of Wikipedia? You must be a liberal."

"TK, if I were a liberal, by the logic of you and Andrew Schlafly I would have got in to a liberal university, but I didn't because what he's taught me is apparently bullshit!" replied Angie.

Both Andrew Schlafly and TK on-the-phone gasped.

"Blasphemy!" shouted Andrew Schlafly, "Get out! Get OUT of my classroom now young woman!"

"Fine!" said Angie, "I don't need your lying bullshit propaganda anyway! If you knew anything about the outside world, you'd know the reason I didn't get in to New Jersey University is because I've wasted three years of my life in this dump!" And Angie ran from the room.

"TK?" said Schlafly Doo. "Pack your bags. We're going to New Jersey."

"But... you live in New Jersey, Mr Schlafly." replied TK.

"Oh, right, yeah," said Andrew Schlafly, "in that case, just meet me at the University, and drag Jpatt, Kendoll and Karajou with you. I'm sure they can add to whatever's unfolding in some way or another."

New Jersey University (YES, there IS one, I checked and everything!)

An hour later, Schlafly Doo found himself outside the State University accompanied by his trusworthy Conservapedians. Andrew Schlafly had left a note for his students written on his blackboard; "Class- Not in today, homework assignments- boys, play a game of hoop-ball, girls, bake a pie for our tomorrow's Pie-Off." In the Schlafly classroom, the first Friday of every month was Pie-Off, in which the girls baked pies and then the boys ate them.

Anyhoo, Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang were congregating outside the New Jersey State University.

"So, what's the plan, Schlafly Man?" asked Karajou.

"Yeah, what's the idea, Schlafly-eer?" asked Kendoll.

"Indeed, what are we going to do, Schlafly Doo?" asked TK.

"Well, I personally have had enough of Professor Values to last me a lifetime." said Andrew Schlafly, "so once and for all we're going to stop them."

"And how exactly are we going to do that?" asked Jpatt.

"Simple," said Andrew Schlafly, "we kidnap the Head Professor Guy and then indoctrinate him into the conservative way of thinking!"

"That's just one professor though," said Karajou, "we can't abduct and brainwash them all."

"Don't you know anything about college professors, Karajou?" asked TK, "when you get the head professor, you've got 'em all!"

"Isn't that Vampires?" asked Kararjou.

"Vampires, Professors, gays, same thing," said Kendoll, "OK, so how are we going to get in?"

"Well, there's a pretty open looking front door right there," said Jpatt pointing, "we could always just walk in and ask for an appointment with the Head Professor."

"That's not exciting or unnecessary," said TK, "can't we do something else?"

"Right, let's do a much cooler way of nabbing this professor." Schlafly Doo.

Thirty minutes later, however, after a botched kidnap attempt involving a twenty metre long rope, a blowtorch, and David Schwimmer, the Five Conservapedians decided to just walk through the door and ask to see the Head Professor.

The Five quickly ran in to the Head Professor's office bolting the door behind them.

"Afternoon gents, how can I help-" began the head Professor before Jpatt bonked him on the head with a lamp, knocking him out. Kendoll and Karajou bundled the liberal Professor in to the burlap sack they'd bought with them marked "Swag" while TK and Schlafly Doo kept watch. Then the Five exited the office, nodding and smiling at the clueless secretary Marlene as they kidnapped the Professor.


Back in the Conservapedia Van, the Professor was dumped out of the bag as the Van sped off back to Andy's house.

"So, Mr Professorhead," began Schlafly Doo.

"It's actually Professor Professorhead," said Professor Professorhead, "and more importantly, who the hell are you?"

"I'm Andrew Schlafly," said Schlafly Doo, "and I'm here to stop you brainwashing innocent kids with your liberal college teachings of baby-killing, wedlock-hating, equal rights-loving-"

"I know you!" said Professor Professorhead, "aren't you that guy that owns that crappy little encyclopedia and says all Professors are liberal?"

"I own a snappy encyclopedia!" said Schlafly Doo, once again chuckling at his outrageously hilarious comeback. "And you need to stop espousing your liberal beliefs to college students!"

"Not that it's any of your business, but I'm a registered Republican," said the Professor.

"Whatever," said Schlafly Doo, "you're just lying."

"No really, I'm not! I donated money to John McCain's Presidential Campaign, and I've been hunting with Dick Cheney, and I've killed seals with Sarah Palin, and I was drinkin' with Bush the other day-"

"Shutup!" said Schlafly Doo, "you can't be a Republican because you're a professor."

"Is that what this is about?" asked Professorhead, "you're basing my political belief system on my occupation? Do you have any idea how stupid that is?"

"DON'T call Schlafly Doo STUPID!" roared TK from the drivers seat.

"But it is!" said Professorhead, "You can't make assumptions that people in one occupational, social, racial, gender, or whatever kind of group all have the same belief system! Just look at your own website! Your driver TK isn't a Young Earth Creationist, just a nasty, power hungry idiot!"

"Gosh darnit, Professorhead, if you say that one more time I will TURN this van around!" said TK.

"OK." replied Professor Professorhead uncertainly.

"Alright then!" said TK, making a U-Turn on the Freeway.

"We got sidetracked..."

Twenty minutes later, the five had dropped Professor Professorhead back at the University and were back in the Malt Shop.

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Karajou as he slurped on a malt shake, "we just let that guy go! We were supposed to change him and everything!"

"Oh, yeah, you're right!" said Jpatt. "How did we forget that?"

"No idea," said TK.

"I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the gays," said Kendoll.

"Actually, that's a pretty sound argument you've got going there Kendoll," said Schlafly Doo, "I think you should write a Conservapedia article outlining the homosexual link with Professor Values."

"Great idea, Schlafly Doo!" replied Kendoll.

"Of course it is, I came up with it," said Schlafly Doo, "anyway, excuse me for a second I'm just going to go to the pathetic little boys room."

Schlafly Doo opened the door to a toilet cubicle to find Ace McWicked drinking and vandalising Conservapedia on a wireless laptop with one of the Weeping Lion Bar skanks.

"Oh, you!" said Schlafly Doo angrily.

"Yipes!" said Ace, jumping out the toilet window.

"I scared him away!" said Schlafly Doo, and for a moment his ego realised that he had never actually intimidated anyone before, "Andy Schlafly Doo-"

Then somewhat tapped him on his shoulder.

Schlafly Doo turned around, and saw that the college professor he'd kidnapped had been the person scaring Ace McWicked, not him. Then the college professor punched Schlafly Doo in the face.

The End.