User:SuperJosh/Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang/Episode 5

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By SJ Debaser.

Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang follows the wacky exploits and misadventures of Andrew Schlafly and his trusted gang of Conservapedians.

The Unbelievable Event of Internet Concession

Slumber Party!

It was Friday evening and Schlafly Doo was holding a slumber party for his buddies from Conservapedia. It was gonna be a whale of a night. The guys'd stay up late (11 o'clock probably), trade baseball cards, prank call the girls of Conservapedia and drink malt.

By eight o'clock Jpatt, TK, Karajou and Kendoll were sitting around in their sleeping bags in Schlafly Doo's front room of his massive white middle-class house and they were discussing what hilarious slumber party games they should play.

"How about "light as a feather, stiff as a board"?" suggested TK.

"How do you play that?" asked Schlafly Doo.

"Oh, it's really easy," explained Karajou, "basically someone lies down on the floor and tenses their whole body and a group of others surround the person lying down and lift them up using just their hands. Seeing as there's five of us it'll be easy."

"Oooooh, that sounds cool!" said Schlafly Doo, "me first, me first!"

Schlafly Doo laid down on the floor while his fellow Conservapedians surrounded him, chanting "Light as a feather, stiff as a board" over and over. Schlafly Doo began to rise in the air as the Conservapedians lifted him with ease. Then, for whatever reason, Kendoll started chanting "Faster! Higher! Stronger!"

"Boys, what are you doing?!" asked a perplexed Phyllis Schlafly who had just poked her head around the door.

"We're playing "light as a feather, stiff as a board", Mrs Schlafly!" said Jpatt.

"Oh, that's OK," said Phyllis, "I thought you were gaying out or something like that. Now, you boys don't stay up too later, ya hear?"

"Sure, mom!" said Schlafly Doo, as Phyllis left.

After two hours of baseball card trading and a botched prank phone call to a girl in which TK had said "You shouldn't have talked you stupid bitch! I hope you die!" the Conservapedians were again discussing what they should do.

"OK, so what do you guys wanna do now?" asked Jpatt.

"I know!" said Schlafly Doo, "we should write a letter to Jimbo Wales the Wikipedia founder asking to admit a blatant liberal bias in Wikipedia!"

"That's a great idea!" said TK, as he fired up Schlafly Doo's computer.

"So what exactly should we write?" asked Karajou.

"Well, it has to be something convincing," said Kendoll, "We should pretend we're from the internet licensing agency or something and say he needs to admit-"

"Nah, that sounds like a lot of work," said Jpatt, "let's just write him and say admit a liberal bias."

"Yeah, I like that idea," agreed Schlafly Doo, opening googlemail.

A good ten minutes went in to that email as the Conservapedians downed malt, and traded ideas for the letter and such. After the email was sent, the Conservapedians promptly fell asleep, as it was well after ten o'clock.


Karajou was the first to wake the following morning at 7.30AM. After a quick breakfast of Coco Pops, he went back into the front room where the rest of the Conservapedians were sleeping and sat down at the computer. Schlafly Doo's email account was still open from the night before.

There seemed to be a new email in the inbox. Karajou opened the inbox and found the new, unread message highlighted amongst the previous, read message.

"What's this..." said Karajou to himself, looking at the title of an old message, "penis enlargement-"

"What!?" said Schlafly Doo, quickly jerking awake, jumping up and running to his computer, shoving Karajou off the seat. The noise from said action woke the reamining Conservapedians. By the time they had all come to the computer Schlafly Doo had clicked off the phallus-related email and opened the new one.

"By Jesus' beard..." said Schlafly Doo, "it's a reply from Wales!"

"What does it say?" asked TK, giddy as an idiot.

"He says he's admitting to a liberal conspiracy on Wikipedia! He says turn on Fox News!" said Schlafly Doo.

The five whipped around to the TV and clicked Fox News on to the screen. Jimmy Wales was holding a press conference.

"... and as I said before, Wikipedia was founded on the public principle of being a free encyclopedia that anyone can edit," Wales was saying, "but in fact, Wikipedia was founded on the super-secret principle of liberal indoctrination. My conscience was activated late yesterday evening when I received an email message from Mr Andrew Layton Schlafly, a totally not-failed, but very much accomplished lawyer and educator. He runs a website called Conservapedia, and I strongly suggest every living person in the world to give themselves up to Schlafly's will."

"Well, it's about time!" said Schlafly Doo.

Montage of stuff happening

After that bit of publicity combined with a redirect from Wikipedia to Conservapedia, the hits rolled in. Schlalfy Doo even changed the front page.

"Over ninety billion page views!" the front page read.

"Fifty million contributors and 0 in mental health problems! Godspeed!" The good news kept rolling in.

Schlafly was making the big bucks now. He bought his Conservapedians a pool and everything, so they could come round and play when they wanted. He could even afford that penis-enlarging thing which he'd been so keen to hide from Karajou.

TK quit his day job and worked full time with pay (but no healthcare benefits) for Conservapedia, being promoted to Administrator status, further increasing the police state nature of the website. As such, dissent on Conservapedia was seldom heard even more than it is now in the real world. TK hired a bunch of minions to help reinforce his will as head of what was essentially Conservapedia's secret police - something Koeckritz had named the CSUAP, the "Conservapedia Super Uber Awesome Police".

Basically, everything went so well for Schlafly Doo that he essentially became the ruler of the cyberworld. He even got a nice wife called Freida! Imagine that.

As well as the pool, he had a massive indoor Jacuzzi in a marble room with a TV and a mirror where his wife could do herself up like that one in Scarface.


One day, post-montage (which let's pretend lasted about 3 months), Schlafly Doo was chill-axing in his indoor jacuzzi talking to Terry Koeckritz as his wife Frieda put loadsa makeup on at the mirror.

Watching the TV, Schlafly Doo saw Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (are they still together? Who cares...) out on the red carpet together in Hollywood, promoting Brad's new movie, which has something to do with World War Two.

"Would you look at that?!" Schlafly Doo was saying to TK, "more Hollywood liberals and Hollywood values wrecking the American youth! Kids see these liberals and they want to grow up to become like them!"

"Do you have any paella?" asked TK, "I'm hungry."

"There's some in the cabinet," said Schlafly Doo, as TK helped himself to some spanish soup or whatever it is, "who should be on TV? ME! Who should get all the money? Me! Who should they be reporting? ME!"

"Yes they should, Schlafly Doo!" agreed TK.

"Good contribution, Terry!" said Schlafly Doo, "public schools, Hollywood... it's all a vast liberal conspiracy to indocrinate the youth of America. The liberals have already got to Britain and Canada, but they haven't got through to the most important country in the world - America! And they never will!"

"And who's going to stop them Andy? You?" said Frieda, as she ate some caviar straight out of the fish.

"Yeah, I'm gonna stop them!" said Schlafly Doo, "with help from my Conservapedians! We know how these liberals work, they have the liberal mainstream media, there's liberal indoctrination in Hollywood values, liberal school teachings, liberal-"

"Can't you stop saying liberal all the time?!" said Frieda, extremely exasperated as she got up and left the room.

"Hey, Frieda? ... Frieda? Where you going? Frieda?" called Schlafly Doo as the door closed, "hey, SCREW YOU FRIEDA! ALL YOU DO IS TART YOURSELF UP ALL DAY ANYWAY!"

"Listen Terry," said Schlafly Doo as he turned off the TV, "I need you to go back to Nevada and cut a new deal with the Internet guys to extend our license over the domain name"

"But Andy, I just got back from Nevada," protested TK, "can't you send anyone else? Jpatt or Karajou or Kendoll?"

"Kendoll can't travel for xenophobic reasons, Karajou won't go anywhere in a plane, and Jpatt's too boring to be involved in this story too much," said Schlafly Doo, "it has to be you."

"Oh, come on Andy," said TK, "can't you just-"

"You know, man," said Schlafly Doo, "you've got some bad attitude on you. If I didn't know you any better I'd say you were a liberal."

"YOU know what Schlafly?" said TK, his eyes watering with emotional pain, "you should listen to your wife once in a while, and you need to stop with all this "liberal" stuff."

TK got up and walked to the door.

"Hey, Terry..." called Schlafly Doo gently, "Terry! ...Terry!"

The door slammed behind TK.

"Hey, FUCK YOU, TERRY!" screamed an enraged Schlafly Doo at the door.

Operation Rational Thunder

Schlafly Doo travelled to Nevada by himself in the Conservapedia Gang van to renew the contract with the "Internet Guys" who were actually called the Internet Domain Name Licensing Agency.

"Mr Schlafly, nice to see you again," greeted Mr Aigoll, Undersecretary to the Head Secretary to the Internet Domain Licensing Agency, "How's Frieda?"

"Oh, she's... heh... yaknow..." said Schlafly Doo, avoiding the point in general with incomprehensible mumbling of various words.

"Well, anyway, let's get down to business," said Aigoll, "now we've had a bid on your domain name from a man name Toulouse, he's willing to pay whatever it takes to usurp, so I don't know how you're going to get it back."

"Aigoll, c'mon," said Schlafly Doo, "I'm Schlafly Doo, the greatest Internet tycoon of the modern age. I can out bid him no problemo."

"It might be harder than you think," said Aigoll, "he runs the server to a website called RationalWiki and they're very much against you there."

"Whatever it takes, Aigoll." replied Schlafly Doo.

"Well, I don't know." said Aigoll, "The RationalWikians all seem to be donating money to buy your domain name and-"

"FUCK RationalWiki, and FUCK the FUCKING TOULOUSE GUY!" screamed Schlafly Doo as he jumped from his seat, "I bury those cockroaches... what have they ever done for ME, Huh?"

"I... I don't know, Schlafly Doo, "said Aigoll, "I just do the licensing."

"I tell you what..." said Schlafly Doo, "I'm gonna go home and... and talk to this guy Toulouse myself... make him see straight..."

"OK, if that's what you think's best..." said Aigoll, "take care Schlafly Doo, let me know how it turns out, you've only got a month before the domain name is up..."

"Yeah... yeah..." said Schlafly Doo, "thanks Mr Aigoll..."

Andy shook Aigoll's hand and left.


Back at his new mansion in New Jersey, Schlafly Doo was on the phone to Trent.

"No, you listen to me, Toulouse," said Schlafly Doo, "you try and take my domain name and I'll send everything after you. And I mean everything! Karajou was in the American Navy or something, Terry WORKS with computers, and as for Jpatt... actually, forget Jpatt, he doesn't do anything."

"Schlafly Doo," said Trent, "I told you not to mess with me. This is your last chance. Give up the domain name."

"Or what? WHAT?" Schlafly Doo screamed down the phone, "WHAT, YOU WANNA GO TO WAR?! I TAKE YOU TO WAR! I TAKE ALL YOU COCKROACHES!"

Toulouse hung up the phone and sat down on his computer and loaded up RationalWiki where the editors and sysops were assembled, and he sent a short intercom message.

Operation Rational Thunder confirmed. Pull your socks up and wait for the signal.

Every active user at RationalWiki opened a new tab on their browser and opened the "create new account" page on Conservapedia.


The WIGO CP talk page of RationalWiki was open on the other tab.

"Everyone got their socks ready?" asked Tmtoulouse.

"Check," replied Ghengis.

"Affirmative," from Human.

"Right there," said Ace McWicked.

"I've got six!" replied DoggedPersistence.

"Let's do this!" said Toast.

"I'm there," from PsyGremlin.

Similar confirming replies followed from Pi, Crundy, Gooniepunk, Aboriginal Noise, SuperJosh, Kels, Weaseloid, Totnesmartin, ChuckB, Armondikov, NuttyRoux, Javascap, ListenerX, JeevesMkII, and every other user that didn't have anything better to do.

"Let's GO!" said Arthropleura.

"CUR, what the fuck are you doing here?" asked Ace.

"I thought it'd be a laugh, who cares if I'm here?" Arthur replied.

"Nice to see you again, CUR!" said SuperJosh.

"Crawl out his arse, SuperJosh," wrote Pi.

"Attention everyone, please shutup!" wrote Toulouse, "commence sockpuppetry now!"

At this point, every active user of RationalWiki clicked the "Create Account" button on Conservapedia. All the previous IP blocks that had been dealt out TK and the other CP sysops had been removed by an inside man working on Conservapedia.

And so commenced the biggest sockpuppet vandal attack in Conservapedia's history.


"SCHLAFLY! SCHLAFLY DOO! WHERE ARE YOU?! GET IN HERE!" screamed Karajou from the computer suite next to Schlafly Doo's office in the mansion.

Andy ran from his seat behind his desk into the office.

"What is it?" asked Schlafly Doo.

"We're suffering a massive vandal attack!" said Kendoll, panicking, "Oh no! WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO MY HOMOSEXUALITY AND ATHEISM ARTICLE?! "Gay atheists are God's chosen ones?" WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"Quick, revert it all!" said Schlafly Doo, jumping on to a computer.

"We're trying, there are too many of them!" yelled TK, somewhat unnecessarily as Schlafly Doo was sitting right next to him. "CSUAP MINIONS TO BATTLESTATIONS!" roared TK through the Conservapedia intercom.


"This is hilarious," wrote NuttyRoux on the WIGO CP talk page, "look, they're all shitting themselves trying to revert this!"

"We should do a special WIGO CP report on this afterwards," wrote ChuckB, as he changed the Andrew Schlafly page to read "Andy Schlafly allegedly born in New Jersey, has a penis size of two inches," linking it to a screenshot of the email received by Andy.

"There's no way they're gonna recover from this," said Totnesmartin, "The most they'll be able to do is get back to the crappy two-bit wiki that they were before."

"Did anyone see what I did to the Comedy Central article?" wrote Arthropleura.

"CUR, stop bragging about all the fucking shitty vandalism you do," wrote Ace in typical Ace fashion.

"I wish I could see them now." wrote Human.


"Andy, there are just too many of them!" said TK, "Look at the lies they've wrote on your page!"

"How did they know?!" shouted Schlafly Doo.

"What?" asked the Conservapedia editors, stopping for a brief moment to stare at Andy Schlafly.


"There are TOO MANY!" yelled Jpatt, "Andy, there's nothing we can do! There's only a few of us but there's about a hundred of them!"

"What are you saying?" asked Schlafly Doo.

"I'm saying, you need to shut down the server!" said Jpatt.

"NO!" said TK, "then we'll lose all the from the last three months and all the IP adresses that I've blocked! I'll have nothing to show for the hours I spent on it! It'll be like I was at work!"

"I think Jpatt's right," said Karajou, "we need to shut the server off, it'll stop them and we can work on rebuilding Conservapedia."

"But... but..." said Schlafly Doo.

"There's nothing else we can do," said Kendoll, "Andy, unless you want more malicious rumours about your baby penis going across the internet, you need to stop this."

After a brief moment of deliberation, Andrew Layton Schlafly conceded defeat for the first time in his life. He pulled the plug of the Conservapedia server and the pages open on the Conservapedians' and RationalWikians' computers closed.


Two months later, Schlafly Doo had left New Jersey mental institute after successful treatment for his breakdown following the defeat of Conservapedia. He drove back to his house and found his fellow Conservapedians there with a welcome back sign and a PC set up.

"Sit down, Andy," said TK, "I've got something big to give you."

After looking somewhat alarmed for a moment, Schlafly Doo sat down at the computer. He realised that Conservapedia was on the screen. Just the way it had been before this whole sordid affair.

"That's right," said Karajou, as if he was reading Schlafly's mind, "it's back the way it was."

"Oh, you guys..." said Schlafly Doo, standing up and hugging his friends, who had pieced together his shitty website from scratch.


In Canada, the evil Toulouse was sitting in a chair, writing a short message on the RationalWiki intercom.

We're going to get Conservapedia if it's the last thing we do.

The End.