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Allow me to explain a little bit about myself.
I used to be like you. Yes, you. I started off in the ideological center as many do. New to the world of politics, I didn't want to take a side for lack of knowledge and expertise on the subject. Eventually, as a shut in child with few friends outside of the computer, I began to explore. My mind soaked up information on various websites, and with nothing to counter them, I began to believe the opinions I was reading.
Unfortunately these opinions were mostly from the left side of the political spectrum. Indeed, my head was being filled to the brim with liberal slogans that my young heart and mind took a liking too. My parents were fairly mainstream conservatives, and my new liberal opinions gave me something to argue about. Something to fight about.
Eventually, I drifted further and further away from the center. Browsing sites such as RationalWiki, the Richard Dawkins Forums, and Yahoo Answers, my impressionable mind absorbed information from users, mostly, that I considered fact. Eventually I stumbled upon the spoken word discography of Jello Biafra, and my destiny was sealed.
Throwing off the chains of Capitalism, my teenaged socialist mind grew more and more discontent with the way the world was. You see, Marxism is an ideology of negativity. It cannot exist if a population is content. If a population is content, there is nothing to revolt against. Unfortunately this drove me into an angry depression. Soon, I began looking for solutions.
I found my solution in communism. If there was no state, if there were no social classes, if we are all equal, there would be no problems! Unfortunately, the bourgeoisie cannot thrive nor profit off of the sweat of the working class in such a system! They had to be destroyed for the good of man kind. My path down the road of communism lasted for quite some time. At first I supported the Communist Party USA, but found them to be too reactionary for my tastes. They were traitors to the revolution, giving up the hard line Marxist Leninism of the past for a more mainstream socially democratic stance.
The Socialist Worker's Party was a home for my mind, at that point. Trotsky! That marvelous Russian! He envisioned a permanent revolution for the world. No state should exist, no class dominant over another! It was around this time that I also found Antonio Gramscii, a man that I still consider a genius. His theories and ideas, specifically the War of Position, were inspiring. I figured I would be a revolutionary in a few years, traveling the country, spreading my particular brand of Marxism, making Trotsky proud as I contributed to the downfall of the mighty capitalist state. My discontentment, however, refused to subside and continued to fester.
One day, the deepest pit of my revolutionary depression, I realized how much I despised those in my ideological camp. None of them were pure, none of them would act. They were obnoxious armchair revolutionaries who would never take up arms against the bourgeoisie when the time came! I realized that those allies of mine were nothing more than useful idiots. They would never contribute anything to the Great Socialist State, other than as foot soldiers in the revolution, if that.
But why? Why were those whom I shared my ideological influences and tastes with so terrible? Why were none of them good? Why were none of them true in our beliefs? Why were none of them as intelligent, as heroic as those socialists of the past, such as Lenin, Trotsky, or even those in Crass?
And then it dawned on me. I was wrong. I had been wrong about everything. Socialism, Communism, Leftism... It was all fundamentally flawed. Marxism at its core was an unsustainable ideology, inseparable from it's core economic tenant of "give me what I am entitled to! I deserve to have everything!". Every position the left took was based upon the idea that man is entitled to the product of another man's effort. But why? Why should a man be given something he did not earn? Why should life be easy?
If I were able to accurately describe the thought process I went through while realizing this, I would be able to make even the most dedicated communist realize the truth. Unfortunately, I am only human. I was not given the power to sway hearts and minds without considerable effort. I doubt, with my ability, I would be able to describe the path to truth in such a way that anyone reading this would be swayed, so I will not even attempt it.
Nearly violently, as leftists get violent when challenged in such a way, I cut myself off from my former allies. I nearly lost myself in those weeks after my realization of the truth. My mind was shattered, everything I had based my actions, my goals, my life on until that point, had been proven false. I had alienated my family, and now those I had considered friends, all in the name of political truth.
I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. It took me a fair amount of time to begin picking up the pieces. Another unfortunate side effect of my previous ideology, my mind was stuck in an extremist setting. I latched on to the first thing I saw that would give me some sense of stability. White Nationalism. This should at least partially explain my previous page's contents.
It wasn't long before I was chanting the party line once more. Whites are an endangered species, the Jew is working to subvert the white man at every turn, etc. etc. etc. The mental trauma of my previous ideological collapse had made me cautious though. Before becoming too far gone, I took a good look at what it was I was subscribed to.
I realized the sheer hypocrisy of many of my fellow right wing extremists, the ambiguity of many important concepts such as "the white race", and realized that white nationalism is not the ideology of truth I thought it was. I realized that my discontentment and revolutionary spirit was alive and well. I despise the ideology of white nationalism, however. It is nothing more than an attempt to make white supremacism less obnoxious and brain dead. White nationalism in general and National Socialism in particular, at their core, are collectivist ideologies in the same vein as Marxism. Instead of the rich, the capitalists, the bourgeoisie, the class war, the enemy and struggle of the white race is the jew, the negro, the race mixer, the race war.
That brings us to the present. I still consider myself an ethnic nationalist. I am also an ardent capitalist. I think the most accurate term to describe my political ideology would be "national libertarianism'. I believe that all ethnic groups, whether white, European, Asian, African, Arabic, Turkic, etc. have a natural right to exist, based solely on the fact of their humanity. They have a right to self governance and a right to self determination. Furthermore, all individuals have the exact same rights. In my personal life I lean to the extreme side of social conservatism. Although I generally dislike those who live in decadent and obnoxious lives, I recognize that they have every right to live that way. It would be a betrayal of all I believe to force a change.
It is at this point that my discontentment is still present. I've managed to fight against it with growing success in recent times, but it lingers, and I think, so long as I continue to search for the truth, it always will.