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Reading from the Book of Susan[edit]

An evil then riseth in the land and it was known as Conservapedia. It smiteth with neither mercy nor the brains God gaveth geese. Into this land cameth a wanderer called Unicorn Tapestry.

Andrew, king of that land, recogniseth not the Unicorn nor tapestry as religious symbols and calleth upon the stranger to giveth up that good name. The wanderer attempted in vain to educate the Philistine about medieval significance of unicorn tapestries, but the king's ears were closed and he knoweth not such things.

Then the Unicorn Tapestry createth two articles about deceivers called Scientology. The king riseth up in fury and sayeth "That which is known as Scientology is a church and a fine church and a church not to be trifled with." The king then exerteth his full powers and striketh the entire writings so they may never more be seen by man.

The king then called upon hell fire and flameth the poor wanderer, banishing him for hours for not forsaking his honorable cognomen, but minions of the king tooketh upon themselves to forever banish the stranger from their midst.

Then at the well where the Unicorn washeth the stink from that dark land, a good woman named Susan didst meet the wanderer and she sayeth unto him, "Ye deserveth not thy treatment at the hands of the Philistines. I inviteth thee to the sanctuary known as RatWiki where the wine floweth like… wine and the cheese smelleth like goat." She taketh the stranger by the arm and leadeth him into temptation.

The wanderer known as Unicorn Tapestry enjoyeth the warmth and sane madness of the house of RatWikis. Unicorns are horny liketh the goat and thus the stranger pitcheth a tent, rested, and sayeth, "Blessed, rest in peace, Susan."

So sayeth the Lord, UnicornTapestry.

— Book of Susan 2:13-37