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Dolphins and money

New Age

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Dolphins come from Miami and generally are this annoying gorgeous teal color, which ticks off some cetaceans who happen to live near the dolphins.


[edit] Dolphin woo

Lots of woo floats around about dolphins, perhaps because they constantly smile, perhaps because they sing, or perhaps because they are really the possessors of the truth to the number 42.

The Baiji (Lipotes vexillifer), a Chinese freshwater dolphin now believed to have been delicious.

Patient zero for dolphin woo appears to have been John C. Lilly, who experimented with dolphin communication while on ketamine in between getting the CIA to buy him LSD. Lilly designed a semiaquatic office that a female lab assistant could work in alongside the dolphins they were trying to teach linguistic communication. One of the dolphins eventually made it clear he wanted to have sex with with her. It was discovered the dolphin actually performed much better on the tests when his linguistics teacher sexually satisfied him. Strangely, as soon as word got out about the incident Dr. Lilly's funding and reputation were lost. [1]

Many dolphin supremacists believe they are all intelligent and beautiful and peaceful, however like humans, dolphins are known to be vicious predatory bastards who will rape a wide assortment of creatures to death with a smile.[2]

At the same time, social and religious conservatives hate dolphins because they are proof that sex for pleasure is completely natural.[citation NOT needed] They are also proof that icky things like masturbation, homosexuality, incest, paedophilia, rape, and inter-species sex are natural too, even in mothers. [3] [4] [5] Although conservatives hating an animal that seemingly goes to war with other dolphins[6] and on humanity's behalf[7] (to the New Agers' consternation) seems a little illogical. Perhaps creationists hate them because they are a constant reminder of mammals' evolutionary adaptability.

[edit] Dolphin facts

Dolphins are vicious assholes who, like humans and house cats, murder other animals for fun as opposed to for food or territory. They have been witnessed bludgeoning their young to death and there are multiple dolphin bites of humans every year. [8]

Among their wide assortment of assholish behaviors are intense ethnic cleansing campaigns against porpoises.[9]. Since porpoises are, among other things, too small to threaten dolphins, it seems dolphins are just sociopaths who know that nothing in the ocean and no human beings outside Japan and Norway will ever take them to task.

[edit] Ichthyosaurs

Flipper? You've... changed.

Ichthyosaurs are not dolphins, but an excellent example of convergent evolution due to having lived in the same environmental niche, except hundreds of millions of years earlier. They were marine reptiles that were not dinosaurs, but coexisted with them. They died out around 90 million years ago.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

[edit] Footnotes

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