|Dolphins and money|
|Key cosmic concepts|
“”I'll lead you through an internal experience to call forth your inner dolphin, and then we'll bring our inner dolphin out, so that we're completely immersed in our dolphin aspect… that is us.
 Dolphin woo
“” This stuff is all horrible, a blight on human existence.[Note 2] It’s so bad I think it actually discourages people from becoming marine biologists. And let’s not even start with dolphin and rainbow tattoos.[Note 3] Or the “very unique” dolphin on the ankle tattoo![Note 4] There is only one cool dolphin tattoo.
|—Craig McClain, marine biologist (Google image searches in original)|
Patient zero for dolphin woo appears to have been John C. Lilly, who experimented with dolphin communication while on ketamine in between getting the CIA to buy him LSD. Lilly designed a semiaquatic office that a female lab assistant could work in alongside the dolphins they were trying to teach linguistic communication. One of the dolphins eventually made it clear he wanted to have sex with with her. It was discovered the dolphin actually performed much better on the tests when his linguistics teacher sexually satisfied him. Strangely, as soon as word got out about the incident, Dr. Lilly's funding and reputation were lost.
Many dolphin supremacists believe they are all intelligent and beautiful and peaceful; however, like many humans, dolphins are known to be vicious predatory bastards who will rape a wide assortment of creatures to death with a smile.
At the same time, social and religious conservatives hate dolphins because they are proof that sex for pleasure is completely natural.[citation NOT needed] They are also proof that icky things like masturbation, homosexuality, incest, paedophilia, rape, and inter-species sex are natural too, even in mothers. Although conservatives hating an animal that seemingly goes to war with other dolphins and on humanity's behalf (to the New Agers' consternation) seems a little illogical. Perhaps creationists hate them because they are a constant reminder of mammals' evolutionary adaptability.
Dolphin woo was parodied in one South Park episode where the character Gerald Broflovski idolizes dolphins and asks Dr. Biber for "dolphinoplasty" surgery to become one.
 Dolphin facts
Among their wide assortment of assholish behaviors are intense ethnic cleansing campaigns against porpoises. Since porpoises are, among other things, too small to threaten dolphins, it seems dolphins are just sociopaths who know that nothing in the ocean and no human beings outside Japan and Denmark will ever take them to task.
Due to evolution being a cruel bastard, female bottlenose dolphins won't ovulate when rearing young, so male dolphins may murder her baby in order to later rape her. This makes dolphins second in evil only to ducks.
Ichthyosaurs are not dolphins, but an excellent example of convergent evolution due to having lived in the same environmental niche, except hundreds of millions of years earlier. They were marine reptiles that were not dinosaurs, but coexisted with them. They died out around 90 million years ago. As colors are usually not preserved in the fossil record, the telltale sign which is which is the direction of the tail fin.
 See also
- 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth
- Dolphins develop opposable thumbs
- This is the most hilarious dolphin woo BS ever to grace the web. A mirror of a defunct site that was once popular in the same way as Goatse.cx. (Not safe for work.)
- Dolphins. Don't screw with 'em.
- The Dolphins and Teleportation Symposium, Hawaii, 2011. So much good on one single webpage.
- And now they're domesticating cats.
- Hey, where were you for all this time?
- So long and thanks for all the fish.
- ↑ "Cetacea" literally being Latin for "huge fish". No kidding.
- ↑ Google image search: dolphin and rainbow
- ↑ Google image search: dolphin and rainbow tattoos
- ↑ Google image search: dolphin tattoo ankle
- ↑ Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, episode 6.04, Dolphins
- ↑ http://www.deepseanews.com/about/mcclain/
- ↑ http://www.deepseanews.com/2013/02/10-reasons-why-dolphins-are-aholes/
- ↑ http://mentalfloss.com/article/26483/4-bizarre-experiments-should-never-be-repeated
- ↑ The Dark Secrets That Dolphins Don't Want You to Know
- ↑ http://deepseanews.com/2013/02/10-reasons-why-dolphins-are-aholes/
- ↑ CNN: Amorous Dolphin Targets Human Swimmers
- ↑ Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity, Bruce Bagemihl.
- ↑ Dolphins are 'so hungry they're turning on each other': Surf war breaks out in British seas, Daily Fail
- ↑ Dolphins Deployed to Persian Gulf
- ↑ Dear God, they're exactly like us.
- ↑ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthnews/3323070/Killer-dolphins-baffle-marine-experts.html Seriously.
- ↑ BBC
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ml5IjwLNe4
- ↑ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j75KdkV7n2o