Bronze-level articleKarl Rove

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Turdblossom, 2005.
A military-style insignia patch, bearing a yellow chicken in a helmet and the motto "We the Few... the Rich... the Elite... Born to Kill, not Serve"
They so proudly wear this insignia.

Karl "Turdblossom"[1] Rove is a Republican political operative and served as the sociopathic adviser to the Bush administration.[2] Rove resigned in August 2007 and gave the reason for leaving as "To spend more time with my family." As this phrase is political code for, "I don't want to tell you why I left," it has left the door open for some speculation about the real reasons for his departure.

Very early in his political career, he was a ratfucker in the Richard Nixon campaign. Like many of those in the upper echelon of the Dubya administration, Turdblossom exhibited a level of entitlement and self-esteem that rivals that of the College of Cardinals. The fact that he was born on Christmas Day is probably just a coincidence.

For some crazy reason, Newsweek decided to give Turdblossom his own column and Fox News has retained him as a political commentator. Seems some people do want to hear from a very successful swindler.

He was notably pwned during a speech on February 11, 2008 by a young Marla Spivak.[3] Also similarly pwned when he was thrown under the bus by a shitstorm of wealthy donors who were annoyed that Barack Obama won re-election despite Rove convincing them to back Mitt Romney (and pocketing their donor cash). He's yet to recover.


[edit] Bush's brain (so to speak)

Rove was noted for initiating faux grassroots PAC groups that coincidentally appeared at the right moment to help Bush during his campaign.[4][5] Manipulating these groups like puppets, Rove trashed Texas Governor Ann Richards, and war heroes Georgia Senator Max Cleland, Arizona Senator John McCain, and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, culminated in Rove's master stroke of the fake Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, detailed in books titled Bush's Brain.[6][7]

[edit] D-I-V-O-R-C-E

On 29 December 2009, Rove's "family spokesperson" Dana Perino announced the "amicable" divorce of Rove and his wife of 24 years. This was the second divorce for the defender of marriage. The mainstream media all but ignored the announcement, but the radar of liberal bloggers switched full on. First question: How did the Roves keep their impending divorce secret until after it was granted? The only answer is that the court records were sealed.[8] Which prompts a more urgent question: Why seal the records?

One theory is that Turdblossom was about to join the ranks of really embarrassing conservatives. Ever since conservative pundit Jeff Gannon was outed (in more ways than one), people noticed how "close" he was to the rampantly homophobic Turdblossom.[9] Within days of the announcement, liberals began speculating that some of those five million — out of 22 million missing — recovered Bush Administration e-mails might contain communiques between Rove and Gannon that were—shall we say—of a more personal nature. It makes you wonder what an IM exchange between these two would be like:

Rove: Oh, Jeff. You're all ripply and muscly and tan like a statue of Adonis come to life.
Gannon: Oh, Karl. You're all bald and squishy and pale like a jellyfish dying on the beach.
Rove: It's true, you scamp!
Gannon: Tee hee!
Or maybe it's best not to wonder about such things.

It has been speculated that Rove's disagreeable demeanor may be a product of his having been bullied while at school; i.e. it is something of a pyschological rule-of-thumb that victims of bullies become bullies themselves.

[edit] Pop culture

Pop culture typically depicts Turdblossom as a first-level douchebag (The Salvation War being a prime example) or as a guy who loves manipulating politics of any kind through lies (American Dad).

Stephen Colbert portrayed him as a pair of glasses on a large loaf of ham, which served as his advisor for his Colbert Super-PAC segments (until he was eaten). For added schadenfreude, in the Campaign Legal Center, they named a conference room "The Ham Rove Memorial Conference Room," which brought Ham Rove to Turdblossom's attention during an interview on ABC. Turdblossom, when presented with a now-unavoidable question regarding his much-more-handsome counterpart, Karl decided to divert the attention to Colbert stabbing the ham multiple times in a video clip, suggesting that Colbert had anxiety over the incident, which Stephen responded to by pulling up a fork and a knife from his desk as he stared at the on-screen images of Karl and Ham side-by-side..

[edit] Criticism of reality

He is widely held to be the anonymous Bush aide who criticized the "reality-based community."

[edit] See also

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Dubya actually gave him that nickname.
  2. Don't believe us?
  3. High schooler spars with Rove over gay marriage, Think Progress
  4. Smear Artist, Salon
  5. The Architect: Karl Rove and the Master Plan for Absolute Power, Moore & Slater; (2007) ISBN 978-0307237934
  6. Bush's Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential, Moore & Slater; (2004) ISBN 978-0471471400
  7. Rove Exposed: How Bush's Brain Fooled America, Moore & Slater; (2005) ISBN 978-0471787082
  8. Fueling the speculation that the records are sealed is the question of what day the divorce became final. The best date the Huffington Post could come up with was "sometime last week."
  9. Rove-Gannon Connection?, CBS News
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