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Bronze-level articleKarl Rove

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Turdblossom, 2005.
Can you even begin to fathom anything quite so soul-satisfying as being at sea with the inspiration for the Kraken, Karl Rove?...As you might expect, Rove wore a jacket all the time and pants you'd best describe as 'trousers,' because the man knows how to party. To further emphasize this, the cruise had scheduled time to smoke cigars and drink cognac, because sitting on a sinister throne and laughing maniacally didn't play well with focus groups.

Karl "Turdblossom"[2] Rove is a Republican political operative who served as campaign adviser to the Bush administration.[3] He's the quintessential super-dweeby Young Republican.[4] Like many of those in the upper echelon of the Dubya administration, Rove exhibited a level of entitlement and self-esteem that rivals that of the College of Cardinals. The fact that he was born on Christmas Day is probably just a coincidence.

For some crazy reason, Newsweek decided to give Turdblossom his own column and Fox News has retained him as a political commentator. Seems some people do want to hear from a very successful swindler.


[edit] Bush's brain (so to speak)

A military-style insignia patch, bearing a yellow chicken in a helmet and the motto "We the Few... the Rich... the Elite... Born to Kill, not Serve"
They so proudly wear this insignia.

Very early in his political career, Rove was a ratfucker in the Richard Nixon campaign. He pioneered many of the so-called "dirty tricks" used by the GOP, preying on the deep-seated prejudices of his base. Rove's magnum opus was initiating the faux-grassroots PAC groups that coincidentally appeared at the right moment to help Bush during his campaign.[5][6] Manipulating these groups like puppets, Rove trashed Texas Governor Ann Richards (dyke![7]), John McCain (negro child out of wedlock![8]), and Hillary Clinton (brain damage![9]).

For his efforts, Rove was rewarded with a choice position in the Bush administration. During the 2004 election season, he expanded his operation to target war heroes, like Georgia Senator (and triple amputee) Max Cleland and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, culminating in Rove's master stroke the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. The sham is detailed in a book titled Bush's Brain.[10][11]

[edit] Humiliation conga line

Rove resigned from Bush's cabinet in August 2007. He gave the reason for leaving as "To spend more time with my family." As this phrase is political code for, "I got fired but I'm not allowed to tell you why," it has left the door open for some speculation about the real reasons for his departure. It might've had something to do with the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame,[12] although it's entirely possible he's just an asshole nobody likes.[citation NOT needed]

He was notably pwned during a speech on February 11, 2008 by a young Marla Spivak.[13]

He was thrown under the bus by his wealthy donors, who were annoyed that Barack Obama won re-election despite Rove convincing them to back Mitt Romney (and pocketing their donor cash). He's yet to recover... but like Dracula, he is sure to rise again.

[edit] D-I-V-O-R-C-E

On 29 December 2009, Rove's "family spokesperson" Dana Perino announced the "amicable" divorce of Rove and his wife of 24 years. This was the second divorce for the defender of marriage. The mainstream media all but ignored the announcement, but the radar of liberal bloggers switched full on. First question: How did the Roves keep their impending divorce secret until after it was granted? The only answer is that the court records were sealed.[14] Which prompts a more urgent question: Why seal the records?

One theory is that Turdblossom was about to join the ranks of really embarrassing conservatives. Ever since conservative pundit Jeff Gannon was outed (in more ways than one), people noticed how "close" he was to the rampantly homophobic Turdblossom.[15] Within days of the announcement, liberals began speculating that some of those five million — out of 22 million missing — recovered Bush Administration e-mails might contain communiques between Rove and Gannon that were—shall we say—of a more personal nature. It makes you wonder what an IM exchange between these two would be like:

Rove: Oh, Jeff. You're all ripply and muscly and tan like a statue of Adonis come to life.
Gannon: Oh, Karl. You're all bald and squishy and pale like a jellyfish dying on the beach.
Rove: It's true, you scamp!
Gannon: Tee hee!
Or maybe it's best not to wonder about such things.

It has been speculated that Rove's disagreeable demeanor may be a product of his having been bullied while at school; i.e. it is something of a pyschological rule-of-thumb that victims of bullies become bullies themselves.

[edit] Pop culture

Pop culture typically depicts Turdblossom as a first-level douchebag (The Salvation War being a prime example) or as a guy who loves manipulating politics of any kind through lies (American Dad).

Stephen Colbert portrayed him as a pair of glasses on a large loaf of ham, which served as his advisor for his Colbert Super-PAC segments (until he was eaten). For added schadenfreude, in the Campaign Legal Center, they named a conference room "The Ham Rove Memorial Conference Room," which brought Ham Rove to Turdblossom's attention during an interview on ABC. Turdblossom, when presented with a now-unavoidable question regarding his much-more-handsome counterpart, Karl decided to divert the attention to Colbert stabbing the ham multiple times in a video clip, suggesting that Colbert had anxiety over the incident, which Stephen responded to by pulling up a fork and a knife from his desk as he stared at the on-screen images of Karl and Ham side-by-side..

[edit] Criticism of reality

He is widely held to be the anonymous Bush aide who criticized the "reality-based community."

[edit] See also

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Felix Clay, "The 7 Most Profoundly Depressing Celebrity Cruises"
  2. Dubya actually gave him that nickname.
  3. Don't believe us?
  4. You remember him, the smug douchebag who raises his hand to ask questions he already knows the answer to.
  5. Smear Artist, Salon
  6. The Architect: Karl Rove and the Master Plan for Absolute Power, Moore & Slater; (2007) ISBN 978-0307237934
  7. Lou Dubose, "Don't Mess With Texas", LA Weekly
  8. Ann Banks, "Dirty Tricks, South Carolina and John McCain", Nation
  9. Peter Beinart, "Why Karl Rove Uses Dirty Tricks: They Work", The Atlantic
  10. Bush's Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential, Moore & Slater; (2004) ISBN 978-0471471400
  11. Rove Exposed: How Bush's Brain Fooled America, Moore & Slater; (2005) ISBN 978-0471787082
  12. Scott Mcclellan, "Bush Should Have Fired Karl Rove", Associated Press
  13. High schooler spars with Rove over gay marriage, Think Progress
  14. Fueling the speculation that the records are sealed is the question of what day the divorce became final. The best date the Huffington Post could come up with was "sometime last week."
  15. Rove-Gannon Connection?, CBS News
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