Essay:Do conservatives have small penises?

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Do conservative men have smaller than average penises? is a question that is often asked. In this essay I shall examine the available evidence before arriving at a logical and rational conclusion.

Defining conservative[edit]

Within this essay, the term conservative is used not to describe one who holds conservative economic views, or more traditional values, but rather meets the extremely narrow conservapedia definition of the term.[1] Thus forth, when I use the term conservative, I am refering to men whose natural habitat is conservapedia, ergo, men who;

  • Love classroom prayer
  • Hate health care for poor people
  • Love guns
  • Hate science
  • Love the death penalty
  • Hate 'liberals'[2]

Examining the evidence[edit]

Conservapedia itself offers a wealth of very telling evidence that conservatives not only have small penises, but are fully aware of this fact.

Penis article[edit]

Conservapedia have deleted their penis article on no less than five occasions. At the time of writing, the article is protected and contains only a redirect to human reproduction.[3] It stands to reason that conservatives are so insecure about their small penises, that they feel the urge to censor all mention of said organ.

Anti-homosexual screeds[edit]

Conservapedia is filled with anti-homosexual screeds[4] as part of an orchestrated smear campaign against homosexuals. As homosexual men are de facto experts on the subject of penises, this campaign ensures that should a homosexual reveal the truth about a well known conservative's penis size issues, the comments can be refuted on the grounds that homosexuals are untrustworthy.

Pre-marital sex[edit]

Conservatives have a bee in their collective bonnets[5] about people having sex before marriage (in fact, they seem to be pissed off with sex in general), this can easily be explained by their wishing to censor woman from experiencing penises of normal size, so as on the wedding night a conservative man can deceitfully tell his blushing bride that "honestly, this is normal, pretty big in fact".

Marital rape[edit]

Conservatives extend their denialism so far as to even cover marital rape. It can be reasonably assumed that the penis of a conservative male is so small that the conservative wife would be so blissfully unaware of the unconsented-to attempt at copulation that this is not an issue within the boudoir (or whatever the French word is for 'gun shop') of conservative men.

Fear of pornography[edit]

Conservatives are extremely objectionable with regard to pornography, and go all out with efforts to censor it. As the majority of actors in the adult entertainment industry have sizeable penises, it stands to reason that conservatives feel it necessary to censor such large-penised images from potential brides.


The majority of the conservative tactics listed above centre around preventing woman from gaining knowledge of average sized penises. As the simplest explanation is usually the correct one, one is lead to deduce that conservatives do indeed have smaller penises than average.

Further research proposed[edit]

  • Essay:Do muslims have small penises? - Given that many muslim men also obsess over women remaining virgins until marriage, it could also be posited that this demand of penis-censorship is for the same reasons as the aforementioned conservatives.

See also[edit]


  1. Check it out! Yes, they are serious.
  2. 'Liberals' are defined here as anyone who is not a full-on conservapedia conservative.
  3. Which is well worth a read - never mind all the sciencey crap, abortion is murder!
  4. Kick-off with CP:Homosexuality, then check out Ken's ever increasing catalogue of Homosexuality and ________ 'articles', or any of the sysops' musings on the 'in the news' section.
  5. I would normally use the phrase "have hard-ons about", but in this context it doesn't seem appropriate.