Essay:Evidence for Conservapedian claims

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Essay.svg This essay is an original work by Concernedresident.
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Conservapedia editors have a hard time. They are short on fact, high on insight, and perhaps the latter will only be recognized when it's far too late. If one were to sweep the average Conservapedia article with the intention of requesting citations for statements made, the editor in question would receive one of the following:

What is the problem here?[edit]

The main problem is that Conservapedia lacks sources for many of the statements they've made. Andy, the owner of the blog, is notorious for pulling statistics out of his arse, and when being asked to validate his claims, his response tends to involve a mix of "You're clueless", "It's obvious", and "Everyone knows that.."

The unfortunate reality is that reality isn't quite what Conservapedia editors think it is, and liberals rather annoyingly fail to exhibit the characteristics required of them. I cannot alter reality, but I can adopt the role of the anecdotal liberal.

I invite Conservapedia editors to link to these stories as they wish, since they provide proof that everything they've claimed is true. The names of the people involved have been omitted, for reasons of privacy, and some facts have been changed for the same reason. The basic messages though are true.

School[edit]

I was raised in what I thought was a conservative Christian family. Everything seemed fine, until the day my father came home to discover my mother wearing pants. Life went downhill from there. My homeschooling came to an end, and I was sent off to public school. It was at school I first learnt about evolution, but my Christian faith seemed unshakable. I hadn't realized that evolution is itself a religion, and as I learnt more I found myself doubting the perfection and literal nature of the Bible. Belief in evolution subsequently turned me in to an atheistic liberal. I had tried to pray for help from Jesus, but my school banned any form of prayer within 20 yards of the school grounds, unless I was praying to Darwin, in which case the teachers would happily lead me in prayer.

Unfortunately for me, I never had the chance to repent my sins. I went to a Catholic school, so everyone had to wear black uniforms. I didn't realize that wearing black was a classic sign of atheistic nihilism, and in my final year I was shot dead by a pregnant STD infected classmate. If the school hadn't given in to the liberal idea of banning guns in schools my classmates and I could have defended ourselves, but alas liberalism had a firm hold. While wounded I tried to send a fax to the police to ask for help, but a lack of phonics in English classes had left me totally unable to read the instructions on the machine. I died, and I'm in hell right now. Please learn from my mistakes, and heed the moral of this story. Women should not wear pants!

Harry Potter ruined my life[edit]

I sit here writing my story, in between browsing verses of the Satanic Bible and drinking the blood of goats. I wasn't always this way. I used to have a strong interest in fantasy novels, The Hobbit being my favourite. The stories were uplifting, and I was certain that Jesus wouldn't mind my reading stories with such morally uplifting messages. However, I didn't realise that Tolkien is a metaphorical gateway drug to dark places.

in 1998 I found myself in the book store. While looking for a book to take with me on holiday I came across the Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. The synopsis suggested it to be an interesting read, and the reviews were heavy with praise for Rowling's work. I called her Rowling then, but now I know her as High Priestess Blackraven Rowling. But, I digress, that comes later.

It began innocently, with fantastical tales of children attending a magical school. It seemed that they were using their abilities for good, or at least those who abused their magical powers would receive suitable comeuppance. This inspired me to go in search of real-life magic, in the hope that I too could help make this world a better place. Unfortunately noble ends achieved through dark means are seldom without consequence.

Over the years my powers developed. I barely needed to read anything but Rowling's work, since the spells in her books are real! I conjured fire, and flew around on broomsticks, but deep inside of me was a nagging doubt. Like Harry Potter, I began slaughtering animals to use their blood to enhance my magic, but my hunger was never satiated. One night, in desperation, I implored Satan to come in to me, and he did. My arse hurt for a few days, but that was the least of my worries.

Now I am as I was at the beginning of this story. I only leave the house to find children and animals to sacrifice to Rowling and Satan, and I see little hope for redemption. I've become so liberal that I'm not even sure I care anymore. Perhaps I'll buy that Twilight book that everyone is talking about.

95% of my life wasted[edit]

I was a statistician working for a major government. The job itself was quite easy, since I'd taken a few courses and thought myself quite competent. I was to find that this hubris would be the source of my downfall and subsequent redemption.

In my work I though it always important to work with data that were reliable, and conclusions that were strongly supported by evidence. I refused to claim a causative factor or correlation unless my figures would support such a claim. I first began to doubt my methodology on hearing that a the daughter of a friend of mine had become pregnant after having sex with her boyfriend at college. Andrew Schlafly, a man I now know to be a master statistician, had long said that he was 95% certain that liberalism lead to such things, but the figures did not seem to suggest that there was any strong correlation between liberalism and teen pregnancy. How could I reconcile that with the plight of my friend's daughter? Perhaps I could have warned them of the dangers. I had suspected that there was a 90% chance that children in the liberal school system would end up pregnant, but the evidence didn't support such a conclusion. Teenagers of conservative families seemed just as likely, and in some cases more likely, to end up pregnant. Besides, 90% is a very significant correlation, and certainly not something to be asserted without sound research to back-up such a claim. Oh how naive I was.

I returned to Mr. Schlafly, and explained my problem to him. He was considerate while chastising me for being clueless, speculating that he had completed more statistics course than I had. Schlafly was 98% certain that he was correct, and that I was in favour of censoring school prayer. This shook me, since I was indeed in favour of separation of church and state, but how could he have realised that when we weren't even discussing about school prayer? He also explained how Hollywood actresses were far more likely to suffer from breast cancer. I initially questioned his sample set, noticing that it seemed to be arbitrary and subject to selection bias, but he told me to look beyond the figures. It was then that the truth suddenly set me free. It's not about whether or not one has figures to back-up a conclusion, it's simply about being right.

Over many evenings we talked, our conversation broken only by the frequent bans for Talk Talk Talk. I came away a changed man. From then on I would rely on obvious truth, not figures. Since then I have discovered many troubling statistics by finding things that I disagree, and I've been able to warn people of the dangers they never realized. My friends have abandoned vaccination, and shall certainly not vote for Obama, not least of all because I'm 99% certain that he's a socialist Muslim.

I married a liberal[edit]

Although Conservapedia's essay, Marry a Conservative contains obviously true examples of the real-life consequences that come from marrying liberals, I feel that this story is still required if we are to really drive the message home

My life changed greatly when I went to college. Perhaps the most lasting result is the unhappy marriage I shared with my husband. We met during one of the many social debates organized by our college. It seems a cliché, but it really was love at first site. He was representing the Democratic Party perspective, and I the Republican. Although I had to disagree with him, there was certainly a bond that transcended our beliefs.

We dated until we finished our studies, being a good Christian I tried to avoid physical contact, but on occasion I gave in and removed my rubber gloves and hermetically sealed isolation suit. We held hands, and one one occasion even kissed after I had a few too many chocolate liquors. Little did I know I was sowing the seeds of my own destruction.

We married shortly after completing our studies. I had a degree in Theology and Ministry, my husband graduating in microbiology. We could never quite agree on the true origins of life, but I was happy to accept his right to be totally wrong and Hell-bound

It was shortly after consummating our marriage that I become ill. I went to my pastor who informed me that I seemed to have contracted some kind of demonic taint. For many weeks afterwards I read the Bible every night, prayed, and tithed, but the illness persisted. After collapsing while shopping, I was brought to the emergency room. The doctor diagnosed me with AIDS, gonorrhea, and herpes.

I returned home to confront my husband, but found him having sex with prostitutes on the floor of the kitchen, using pages from the Bible as a mattress. He didn't seem bothered, and explained that people in movies did that so it must be okay. He offered me some heroin, but I was disgusted and fled the house. What I hadn't realised was that he had been injecting me with heroin as I slept - SOMETHING THAT JESUS SPECIFICALLY SAID THAT WE SHOULD NOT DO!

So here I am. I'm dying and addicted to heroin, and it's all because I married a liberal. It was not easy to write this, but I hope that others can learn from my mistakes.

On a side note, my conservative brother married a liberal wife, but thankfully she died. He's never been happier![1]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Rather disturbingly this is the moral of example four, found in Marry a Conservative.