Essay:The Anti-creationist conspiracy theory

OK, suspend your disbelief for a bit while you accompany me on a mental adventure. Sadly the adventure does not directly involve shagging Claudia Schiffer, however I think it is still worth coming along.

Here's the scenario: You and I are a pair of biological scientists, and we have just discovered the "smoking gun" which proves - beyond any rational refutation - that evolution simply CANNOT be the primary force behind the diversity of life on this planet. Our evidence is totally unambiguous, our adherence to the scientific method is absolute, and peer review has confirmed the validity of our findings. In short, ultimate acceptance by the scientific community would be inevitable.

Now we're still scientists, so we're not claiming we've proved something which requires some supernatural agency. But still, we've thoroughly and incontrovertibly discredited evolution, and this obviously could make us quite popular within the pro-creationist fraternity.

So... what do we do next?

Well, according to a large section of creationist publications, we would immediately destroy the evidence and suppress this discovery because it would harm the "Cult of Darwinism". Apparently we are so committed to the worldwide conspiracy to "discredit alternative viewpoints" we would simply throw away our years of research.

And to this I'd say... WTF? Have you ever met a biological scientist? Or for that matter, a human being?

The "anti-creationism" conspiracy theory requires scientists to be completely selfless individuals, utterly and exclusively dedicated to their atheist, anti-Christian cause, to the absolute detriment of any personal gain.

Frankly, this notion is utter bollocks.

The truth is, pretty much all scientists are just as greedy, egocentric and self-serving as everyone else on this planet. Even if there was a tiny handful of scientists who genuinely are this selfless and "committed to the anti-Christian cause", they'll be unfortunate enough to share offices with normal people, who'd steal their discovery in a heartbeat.

I don't think there's a biological scientist in the world who'd turn down the chance to discredit evolution. Let's face it, this discovery would be huge. Hugely, massively, stupendously HUGE.

Your name would become immortal in scientific literature, and 200 years from now kids would learn your name just like they currently do for Darwin, Newton and Archimedes. You'd get on the cover of Time magazine, you'd be a star among your peers, you'd be invited on talk shows, you'd be asked to advertise toothpaste. If British, you'd get a knighthood. If American, a reality show. If it was me, I'd still have a small but non-zero chance at my Claudia Schiffer fantasy.

Sadly the only reason no one has discredited evolution in the past 150 years is because we can't. Darwin was (mostly) right, and because of him, I'll never get to shag Claudia Schiffer.

Bastard.

See also

• Evil Liberal Science Conspiracy