Essay:This New Weight Loss Pill Will MELT Fat Away!!!

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Warning: This is a work of satire written for a "contest". Do not take this seriously.

Are you tired of feeling miserable because of your weight? Have you ever wished there was a way to lose weight that didn't rely on expensive exercise equipment and time-consuming physical activity? Well, your wait is over! Duce's Diet Pill is the solution for you!

Based on new, cutting-edge scientific research, Duce's Diet Pill will help you burn off that stubborn fat while you live the way you want! Amazing!

Find out more at: [Burn Fat With Duce's Diet Pill!]

Ancient weight-loss secrets and new science![edit]

With the aid of modern science, the makers of Duce's Diet Pill have uncovered the wisdom of the ancients. That's right! In order to stay fit enough to spend all day hunting and riding horses and doing their strange, mystic rituals, Native Americans took a special mixture of herbs to keep their energy up and burn that fat. Yes, there's a reason why Native Americans in the old days never had weight problems! Even though these ancient secrets are scorned by Big Pharma and were forgotten by the poor Natives, our scientists pressed forward to make the world better!

With the aid of modern science, we have perfected the Native secrets and unlocked the full potential of their natural solutions! You are missing out if you don't buy today!

Find out more at: [Discover Ancient Fat-Melting Secrets!]

DESTROY stubborn body fat![edit]

Duce's Diet Pill is better than anything you've ever tried, guaranteed! No more will you struggle with useless diets and exercises. No more will you take supplements from companies that only want to steal your money! No more will you enrich the greedy cosmopolitans of Big Pharma! You can have the body you want without any hassle! Lose weight and look great!

Find out more at: [Say Goodbye to Stubborn Fat!]

30 pounds in 30 days![edit]

If you take one of Duce's Diet Pills every day for 30 days, we guarantee that you'll lose 30 pounds or more! Or more! Your clothes will be looser and you'll have more energy than ever before! A 30-day supply is only $75!

Don't listen to those quacks trying to hook you on factory-produced chemicals or yammering about "exercise regimens" and "balanced meal portions." They're just trying to steal your money. Only Duce's Diet Pill can help you lose weight!

Find out more at: [30 Pounds in 30 Days? Wow!]


I used to be fat and sad! But now I can sit on my couch all day and STILL burn fat! Wow! Thank you Duce!
— Tom Roberts
Excellent wonderful amazing totally awesome FAT CURE.
— Anonymous poet
I can't call myself "Fat Albert" anymore...
Fat Thin Albert

Find out more at: [Find Out How I Lost 120 Pounds FAST!!!]

This/these statement(s) have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. It is also not scientifically proven to assist in weight-loss. The best weight-loss method is and continues to be proper diet and exercise. If you buy this pill, you're a dumbass.