Fun:Conservapedia, The Musical/script

INTRODUCTION: How Lovely To be a Schlafly

(We open on a sunny day, outdoors outside the Schlafly homestead. Enter the Schlaflys: FRED, PHYLLIS, and ANDY. They all look very pleased by the fine weather.)

FRED
(Looks up, admiring the blue skies.) Ah, what a fine day it is!

ANDY
Indeed! The pure beauty of this blue summer day is obvious proof of God’s wonderful creation! If only those mentally retarded and deluded atheists could recognize this terribly obvious fact.

PHYLLIS
Ah, yes, the atheists- the hellbound scum of the earth who want us ladies to be free and treated equal. Ugh! Whenever will those disgusting, amoral animals just all disappear?!

ANDY
(Puzzled.) But mother, I don’t understand why they would all be as evil as you make them out to be. After all, atheism is just the lack of be-

PHYLLIS
(Scolds ANDY for knowing too much his ignorance.) ANDREW LAYTON SCHLAFLY! REMEMBER WHAT WE TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM?! Atheism is...

ANDY and FRED
(Robotic, and in perfect unison.) The denial that our God exists, and a pathway to an immoral and unhealthy lifestyle.

ANDY
Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry mother. (Awkward pause.) Well, at least we will go to heaven and be loved by God. Ah, this is the life.

PHYLLIS
Indeed, son. How lovely it feels to be a Schlafly!

(Enter an ensemble of men and women, dressed in red to honor their much-loved Republican Party.)

”How Lovely to be a Schlafly”

PHYLLIS When you're only a Kennedy

Having to deal with liberals all year,

You doubt you will ever be

As lucky as if you're a Schlafly,

Where your morals are clear, and you have no fear

Of not having to ever see

WOMEN How lovely to be a Schlafly

Where a woman knows her place.

How lovely to be brought up

To serve with style and grace.

MEN How lovely to be a Schlafly

Where men are trained to lead,

And taught that if anyone gets in our way

Jesus will make them bleed.

ALL It's wonderful to feel

The way a Schlafly feels

When the Eagle Forum sends you

Into joy, you're head over heels.

ANDY How lovely to be a Schlafly

And just have one job to do.

To brainwash homeschoolers and teach them,

And then, when you are through

You've made them the creationists you want them to be,

And model conservatives, just like me.

ALL How wonderful to know

The things a Schlafly knows.

That all blacks are prone to violent crime

And you can pick out a Jew by his nose.

How lovely to be a Schlafly

And protect good ol' Christian values,

And always be fighting the never-ending good fight

Against all the liberal news.

How lovely to not be enlightened and free.

How lovely to be a Schlafly like me.

(ENSEMBLE exits.)

FRED
Alright. That was fun. (Checks his watch.) However, it’s getting la- JESUS CHRIST, IT’S SUNDAY MORNING!!! We have all sinned! For we have forgotten to GO TO CHURCH! (Queue “Duhn, duhn, DUHHHNN!” sound effect.)

PHYLLIS and ANDY
GASP! Oh, no! How dare we! We are all awful, awful, wretched spawn of Satan!

PHYLLIS
Quick! We must all pray for forgiveness! Hurry and prepare yourselves in the manner to which we are all accustomed!

(They all bow their heads in prayer, tears in their eyes, horrified of what their invisible friend would think of their insolence. FRED leads.)

FRED
(SNIFF) D-d-dear Heavenly Father, p-please forgive us, for w-we h-have sinned. A-all of us m-most solemnly swear to m-make it up to t-thy l-lord...In j-Jesus name we p-pray...

ALL
AMEN.

FRED
All right. To ensure that we follow through with our divine oath, none of us are to have any fun or happiness today. Phyllis, it is almost lunchtime, so you are to at once do your womanly duties. It must be perfect THE FIRST TIME, or you will most certainly burn in Hell. (PHYLLIS, being the internalized misogynist she is, obediently exits, without any question.) And Andy, you are to attempt to get on your computer and try to correct Wikipedia’s factual errors for the fifth time. I want to go on there and see some good, honest, Christianized articles for “Atheism”, “Evolution”, “Homosexuality”, and the Renaissance. There musn’t be even ONE liberal lie left in those articles, or (places a hand on his belt buckle for a split-second) you’ll wish you’d never been created, son. Am I clear?

ANDY
Yes, father. (Exits.)

(FRED sighs, and exits, following his wife and son.)

Act I

Scene 1

(The scene opens with an interior of "Baldermore", the Schlafly family homestead, the living room and dining room face the stage. FRED SCHLAFLY is seated in a straight-backed wooden chair, reading a manuscript, while PHYLLIS SCHLAFLY is seated across from him in a large upholstered armchair.)

PHYLLIS
Fred! Are you even listening to me?

FRED
(Deadpan.) Yes, dear.

PHYLLIS
These women are saying that their husbands are forcing them into doing...the thing is being raped. Can you believe that?

FRED
(Still deadpan.) No, dear.

PHYLLIS
(Outraged.) I mean, they're married! How can any sexual conduct when you're married be wrong? It's nonsensical! They simply hate men, and aren't willing to stay in their place!

FRED
(Timidly.) Well, what about the homosexuals? What if they were allowed to be married?

PHYLLIS
Stop talking nonsense, dear.

FRED
(Sighing.) Yes, dear.

(ANDREW SCHLAFLY comes running in, horrified; he has just discovered some horrible news.)

ANDY
(Frightened.) M-mother! F-father! Oh, I’ve just discovered some terrible, terrible news!

PHYLLIS
(Gasps.) Oh my God Andy, what is it? Are the feminazis campaigning for control over their own uteruses? Please tell me they’re not! Please, for the sake of my faith in The Patriarchy!

ANDY
No mother, but it’s something even worse! I-I’ve just discovered that (Stammering.) W-w-w...

FRED
What? Speak clearly, son.

ANDY
W-Wikipedia has LIBERAL AND ATHEIST BIAS!

PHYLLIS
(Beat.) Oh, no! That’s awful! Whatever are we to do? We can’t let that Satan-spawn get away with this plot! We must protect the children- the good, innocent little God-fearing children! Otherwise they will most certainly lose their moral compasses! It is undoubtedly an established fact that atheism = immorality!

ANDY
(Stops panicking.) (Lightbulb.) Ah, I know! We create a brand-new Trusworthy Encyclopedia as an alternative to the mob rule at the Free Encyclopedia! All ye faithful can trus me.

Scene 2

(Scene change; the curtains open again on ANDY's study. There is a massive Bible on a podium right next to a small desk, on which rests an old desktop computer. On a small shelf on the desk, there are five small books, all written by ANDY himself: "Schlafly Statistics", "Schlafly Insights", "Schlafly Reversals", "Liberal Bias", and "Abortion and Breast Cancer". In front of the computer, there are several sheets of paper and a pencil. Just then, ANDY comes running in, and sits down in his desk chair.)

ANDY
(Switches on his computer.) Time to create a new wiki project. One that does not deny the obvious existence of God. One that can be trussed in. I will need a team of the best, god-fearing-est, trussworthy conservatives.

Denouement

• The show