Fun:Phonecalls from Microsoft

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Phone calls from Microsoft are a regular nuisance. Persons claiming to be from Microsoft state that there are problems with your computer and that they can rectify this. If you follow the instructions, and give them the details requested, your computer will be taken over. The correct way of dealing with such persons depends upon the time you have available and how bored you are.

  • Tell them to go away (but don't hang up immediately).
  • Play stupid and confuse them.
  • 'I am on dial-up - how do I proceed/how does this work with my ZX-80/other computer of choice?'
  • 'What I now see on the screen is the Invisible Pink Unicorn/Flying Spaghetti Monster/other image of choice.'
  • 'I am very busy planning the alien invasion of Earth. Can you help me?'
  • 'You are a window-cleaner? What are your rates?'
  • 'Windows is not very good is it: this is the sixth time I have been contacted today...'
  • 'I see you are trying to write down my specs. Would you like some help with that?'
  • 'I'm in Building 30, could you just come over and do this in person?'
  • Just say no.
  • 'I couldn't quite make that out. Could you please repeat?' (Repeat ad infinitum)
  • 'My computer has started making funny noises' (put an earphone next to the telephone's microphone while playing at maximum volume your prefered heavy metal band.)
  • Tell them you're a thief who has broken into a house
  • 'Uncle (random name here)!. It was a long time since the last time I heard from you!'
  • 'Tell them one of Bart Simpson's prank telephone calls'
  • 'Put the Jolly Roger Telephone Company on a conference call with the telemarketer. It's a phone bot designed to annoy and confuse telemarketers.[1]'
  • 'My Macintosh serial number is...'
  • 'I'm glad you called, I've been bored. How about some phone sex? Fuck me or go fuck yourself'
  • '(In a Kermit voice) Hello? Can you help with my computer? My son has been downloading nipples and viruses on my PC'[2]
  • "Fuck you, pimplehead."
  • Troll them telling you're monitoring their computer, and you're seeing how it is the one that needs help.
  • 'Oh, really?. Are you interested on our retirement plan with interest ratings of ...?'
  • 'A virus? You have detected a virus? One moment please. Iilya! Another detection of the virus! The stealth subroutine aren't working properly again! Bozhe moi, that is the sixth one today! Da, of course we kill this one too.'
  • 'You are from Micro$oft?. You little bastards, I'll tell you where you can stick up your shitty operating system, bunch of motherfuckers' (REST CENSORED DUE TO EXCESSIVE NUMBER OF PROFANITIES)
  • "LAHK A SAM-BOW-DEE, FUC U BIC!" (or some other Bak Lau-ism)[3] repeated ad-infinitum

(Feel free to add extra responses)


  1. Jolly Roger Telephone Company Uses Software To Entrap Telemarketers
  2. [Vinesauce] Joel - PC Optimizer Pro Scammer Prank Call ( Windows 8 Destruction )