The Glorious People's Stalinist Shlefist Republic of Konservapediya
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The Stalinist Republic of Conservapedia (SROC, sometimes Konservapediya, "Консервапедия") is an unrecognized breakaway republic within the United States, located
in an undisclosed locationsomewhere in New Jersey. Currently, its only official territory is a small plot of land on teh Internetz. It was founded[1] and briefly ruled in 2006 by Andrey Shlefli (Андре́й Шле́фли; sometimes known by his nom de guerre, Vladimir Shlenin), Supreme Leader of the Conservapedian Stalinist Party (CSP). However, in 2008, Shlefli was usurped by party general secretary Terrence Kyukrits,[2] though Shlefli remains as a figurehead. It is not entirely clear whether Shlefli is even aware of his own usurpation, as years of manipulating Conservapedian history have left him incapable of perceiving the passage of time. With the recent death of Terrence Kyukrits, Shlefli has returned to power, although his power has mostly been absorbed by the head of the Navy, Nikita Sergejewicz Karadźow, and the Chairman Kendal Lysenkovich Meyerhold.
Ostensibly, the SROC is ruled by the democratically elected Supreme Student's Soviet, but power is effectively held by a small cabal of party bureaucrats. Dissent is quickly and violently suppressed. Comrade Porbachev in particular is known for assigning political prisoners mindless and tortuous "writing" projects in order to coerce them into conformity with the party line of the state. The form of government has devolved into a subverted andocracy. Porbachev is also greatly respected for his deep knowledge of science and mathematics and the prevention of un-Konservapediyan revisionism.
Pronouncements were often made by Comrade Kyukrits allegedly on behalf of the Supreme Leader which he claims to have received by covert means. As there is no way of verifying these statements, they must be taken as true. Comrade Meyerhold has a similar modus operandi but tends to invert it by claiming the approval after he has performed some action or made some pronouncement. It is believed that all or many of the senior members of the andocracy hold intermittent secret conclaves at which Schlenin is occupied by being fed tea and cookies while Kyukrits and Porbachev take the helm.
Conservapedian regulations include the instruction that all citizens immigrant to the state except certain privileged members of the andocracy must conform to a naming system allegedly prescribed by the Supreme Leader. This system states that a name must consist of a conflation of a recognized first name with a letter of the Latin alphabet. It is suspected that this is required in order to instill a degree of conformed behaviour on rank and file members beyond that expected of officials.
All members of the senior bureaucracy have the power to discipline the rank and file of the state by exiling them on suspicion of "vandolatory" or "liberinaytion" which are considered to be high crimes in Konservapediya. This privilege is extended to some lesser members of the bureaucracy, but great care is taken following revisionist attacks by past honoured members. There is a nightly national curfew, the commencement and duration of which are defined by the Supreme Leader on an ad hoc day-to-day basis, during which only privileged citizens are permitted to roam abroad.
The neighbouring country of Adolfstan has been totally annexed by Konservapediya in defiance of the Treaty of Godwin-Poe. This annexation is made apparent by the numerous emblems and totems of the ex-leader of Adolfstan, which are to be found in profusion. They are particularly evident in two provinces: Darwinia and Atheistonia, where the local party is led by überbureaucrat Kendal Lysenkovich Meyerhold, though as yet his other subject province, Khomosekschyuelgrad, has not been blessed with such demonstrations of fealty.
Power Structure[edit]
- Premier and Supreme Leader of the CSP - Andrey Ivanovich Shlefli (Андре́й Ива́нович Шле́фли) (figurehead)
- Chairman of the Presidium - Kendal Lysenkovich Meyerhold (Ке́ндал Лысе́нкович Мейерхо́льд)
- Chairman of the Supreme Student's Soviet and Head of the Shlefli Youth - Eduard Smegovich Porbachev (Едуа́рд Сме́гович Порбачёв) (On sabbatical from January 2014)
- Minister for the Arts - Martin Khoakinsky (Марти́н Хоаки́нский) (On sabbatical from July 2015)
- Minister for Internal and External Security - Robert Keidzhibiyevich Smitlenko (Ро́берт Кейджиби́евич Сми́тленко), popularly known as "Minister of Reds Under Beds"
- Prime Assistant for Security - Only known by the initials FOIA. Believed to stand for: "Fantasist Over Internal Affairs"; a secretive figure believed to be the last bastion of "Mk Karth Yizm".
- Chief Archivist - Rationovalskovitch-Wikiyochov
- Minister for aviation - Alber Schlossberg. With particular interest in trans-pacific routes. (On sabbatical from May 2013)
Missing[edit]
- Minister of Propaganda -
Dean Krokodilowicz (Дин Крокоди́лович) (presently [7 Nov 09] missing, possibly self-exiled?) (still [26 Jan 10] still missing)Defected to USA and joined a cult in Utah Chairmen of the CPTPD- Brian Yuglerovich Dzerzhinsky (Бра́ян Югле́рович Дзержи́нский)(purged)Minister for International Relations- Jessica Kotommissar (Дже́ссика Кото́ммиссар)(sent to gulag)Minister of Danes- Bohdan (Богдан)(retired to his dacha)- General Secretary of the CSP - Terrence Vissarionovich Kyukrits (Тере́нций Виссарио́нович Кю́криц) (de facto leader)
presently (24 Sep 09) absent possibly purged?Absence was Raymentrotskyist plot(died of natural causes, posthumously confirmed to have been a traitor all along, now an unperson)[3] - Minister of Party History -
Richard I. Ivanovich(Риха́рд И. Ива́нович) (missing, believed defected) Commander-in-Chief of the Navy - Nikita Sergejewicz Karadźow (Ники́та Серге́евич Караджо́в)(unpersoned, dragged from Central Chamber and shot for fomenting dissent)
Departures[edit]
- Julius Philipovich Raymentrotsky (Юлиус Филипович Райментроцкий) departed to found his own nation, The Suspiciously Benign Theocracy of Goddidit. Although largely discredited, he apparently retains diplomatic contact. Several lower ranking members of the andocracy have taken dual nationality, maintaining domiciles in both nations.
From the Office of the Presidium[edit]
Is going to be that this scurrilous (or praiseworthy) article or screed will (or shall), most certainly, perhaps (or perhaps not), be vapourised or otherwise eliminated unless and notwithstanding that it may, or may not, be carved or incised into stone (or polystyrene), as a testament to (or warning of) the blessings (or dangers) of praising (or mocking) the glorious Stalinist Republic of our glorious leader Komrad Vladimir Schlenin!
Signéd,
Rationovalskovitch-Wikiyochov, on behalf of the Presidium
Approved,
, in absentia (of brain).
Restricted information[edit]
- ↑ Shlefli declared that the superpower nation Wikipedonia was suborning the minds of free people by teaching them "demokraticz" and "liberinaytion" ideologies. He declared independence and founded Konservapediya as a direct challenge.
- ↑ The Stealth or November Revolution: on the 15th of that month Kyukrits reappeared from exile and was soon returned to his former position of power.
- ↑ Terrence Vissarionovich Kyukrits was also Minister in charge of Purging but this is an ex-officio and covert position.