Fun:Schlafly Doo/Liberal Protection Suit

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A Liberal Protection Suit (or LPS) is a full body suit worn by Conservapedians when in public in order to protect them from dangerous outside stimuli that might cause their world-view to come crashing on its head.

It was first introduced in the second episode of Schlafly Doo and the Conservapedia Gang.

Each suit costs US$5,000,000, and if you think that's a waste of taxpayers money, then you're clearly a big-government-luvin' lib-burr-rul.

Features of the suit[edit]

The Liberal Protection Suit:

  • Covers the whole body in the same way that outer-space astronaut suits do.
  • Is airtight with an oxygen supply capable of supplying up to six hours of oxygen.
  • Is equipped with external speakers for broadcasting both vocal, computer audio and all-purpose, pre-recorded sentences[1] from the suit.
  • Has a built-in system for communicating with other LPS suit wearers.
  • Has a built-in computer system and integrated audio player further detailed below.
  • Has a helmet capable of expanding and contracting with the head size of the suit's wearer.
  • Has no ventilation so the smell of one's own farts can be enjoyed.
  • Can hold up to ten cookies for snack time.
  • Comes in one design only: the American flag.

Fart concealment[edit]

The suit is airtight so the smell of farts cannot escape the nostrils of the suit wearer. This may have been an oversight by the manufacturer or a specific request by the suit purchaser.

Attack and Defence[edit]

The LPS is equipped with several security features for use in combat. The suit:

  • Is armoured and capable of withstanding physical strikes against it as well as small fires.
  • Has liquidized garlic to spray on homosexuals, liberals and atheists in self-defense.
  • Can physically "block" opposition by automatically firing duct tape over the mouths of opponents.

Helmet expansion[edit]

The suit helmet can expand and contract in the case that the suit wearer's sense of self-importance inflates so much that their head physically grows in mass.

Computer[edit]

Each liberal protection suit is equipped with a voice-activated computer. The computer is equipped with:

  • An external cellular telephone system.
  • A high-speed broadband connection for accessing information websites on-the-go so the suit wearer can provide the illusion that they know what they're talking about.
  • A direct hotline for the FBI, although this is only known to be available from one of the suits.
  • A translator of rational words and argument into either (a) easy-to-understand conservative language[2] or (b) what the conservative suit-wearer wants to hear[3].

Future advances[edit]

The Liberal Protection Suit must be continually improved in order to counter new developments in liberal deceit. What follows is a list of the most interesting technologies soon to be deployed in the field.

Increased offensive capabilities[edit]

CPWebmaster has been hard at work on the following :

  • A targeting laser mounted to the sawed-off shotguns
  • Shoulder-mounted rockets
  • A magnetic shield to deflect incoming bullets
  • Birth certificate shredding device

Reality Displacement Engine[edit]

The Reality Displacement Engine (RDE) is an experimental technology expected to be implemented in the next major revision of the Liberal Protection Suit. The current model of the suit was found to be vulnerable to visual attacks. In one case, Kendoll found himself completely incapacitated when he caught sight of two men kissing passionately .[4]

The technology is based around a series of helmet-mounted cameras feeding in to a highly advanced 3D video processing system. The rendering system, based on Atari's Battlezone technology, presents the world in a conservative friendly black and white perspective.[5]

The monochrome view presented to the wearer is far safer, with conservatives appearing as white crosses and liberals as black boxes. Conservatives and liberals are flagged as such by the Liberal Style Bot; a series of algorithms that can detect Liberal Style with 99.9% certainty. The system is currently able to identify the following:

  • Troublemakers/Prevaricators
  • Liberal parodists

Although most Conservapedians felt the bot's ability to detect parodists was very advanced, Schlafly Doo demanded it be disabled due to it consistently triggering in the presence of loyal Conservapedians, such as TK and Bugler.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. For example: "Anonymous User" (what a ridiculous user name!), your determination to deny conservative values is remarkable. I've analyzed your unconcise replies and you still don't seem to grasp how liberals try to claim exclusive control of knowledge and its recognition, and how you should be objecting to that, so it's painfully obvious that you're lying. You also refuse to accept that prayer deters research into gravitons. Observation and logic dictate that Irishmen have relatively little influence at Wikipedia. Take our World History Final Exam and then learn the truth. --aschlafly 15:33, 6 December 2019 (UTC)
  2. For example, "Did you know that your own bowels harbor something like a billion (1,000,000,000) E. coli at this very moment?" would become "God put some stuff in your tummy."
  3. For example, "Your offensive and pathetic attempts at discrediting my work has not gone unnoticed, Mr. Schlafly." would become "You're so awesome. Are you Christ? I think you're Christ."
  4. Conservapedian scientists established that such a sight would cause a decent conservapedian to be temporarily stunned, but they were unable to understand why  K e n  D o l l  remained watching for several hours.
  5. Atari's Battlezone technology preview This is an Adobe Flash based demonstration of the advanced video rendering capabilities soon to be employed against the liberal menace.