User talk:Sakura No Seirei/PS

Your intro/first paragraph needs to tell the person what they are going to read. Something along the lines of:

• I have a considerable number of different though loosely connected interests. These include chemistry, the criticism of pseudoscience, law and politics.

Your first paragraph which then speaks about why you are interested in chemistry doesn't then seem to just appear from nowhere.

Your sentence:

• Receiving a chemistry set when I was 9 cemented within myself a love for science, and a love for chemistry in particular, and it has been an interest that I have followed through the years.

has, what I consider to be a fairly horrible phrase "cemented within myself". So ... how about.

• The receipt of a chemistry set at the age of 9 started my long-lasting/still strong (love affair, interest, fascination, infatuation ) with science in general and chemistry in particular.

This is a first shot but I think it takes you in a better direction.

Your second sentence:

• I maintain a keen interest in discovering the how and why of the way things work and follow what I can through both online media and the more traditional broadcast media, although I do find that there does seem to be dearth of good quality programming aimed at the amateur that deals with chemistry rather physics.

Is, in my opinion, a bit long and I don't think it reads well. So let me think ...

• I have always been interested in discovering the "hows and whys" of things and I maintain this interest though both on-line and more traditional media. Sadly, while those with an interest in physics seem well catered for, there seems to be a lack of accessible good-quality programming dealing with chemistry.

You might want to consider if you really want to make the point in the second sentence if words are at a premium. Feel free to use, chop up or ignore any comments here. I'm sure there are better ways than mine. :-) --Bob^{Spring is sprung!} 22:16, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Remove the 'the' in "the refutation of pseudoscience. Тy^Talk. 22:48, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Thnx, that's four more chars chopped out.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 22:52, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

@Bob:Thanks for your improvements. I've incorporated what I can, but I have to be really careful to make sure I don't cross the line between seeking help writing the PS, and having someone write it for me, so I've kept in one of the clunky sentences, solely because I can't see a way to rewrite what you've done without bollocksing up the sentence worse than managed on the second draft.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 22:52, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Mmmm, looks about right now. Think I'll go with this. Thanks for the help everyone!-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 22:57, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Well fraggin' hell, there's a 47 line limit. Nine lines have to go.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 23:08, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Is there a required font size? Тy^Talk. 23:09, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Yeah, it's an online form with locked font and format. Suddenly paragraphs are disappearing. Worst part is that the window to input the PS into only stays active for 35mins, so you've got to constantly preview the page to renew the timer. They make these applications easy don't they?-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 23:13, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Damn, that's ugly, but it's the only way to get the info on the form.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 23:25, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

And now to do the disclaimer.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 23:26, 17 February 2011 (UTC)

Suggestions

I hope you're open to some more advice? I used to work in a writing center helping people with this sort of thing, so maybe I could offer a few tips.

It is my suggestion you rephrase the following awkward constructions:

• Receiving a chemistry set when I was 9 awakened within me a love for science
  

I would suggest writing out "nine" rather than giving the Arabic numeral, since it flows better. Further, the sentence structure is confusing and will cause a reader to pause briefly to figure out what you meant. Try to reword it so the clauses are more clear.

• I follow what I can through both online media and the more traditional broadcast media
  

The reader doesn't need to be told that broadcast media are more traditional. You might also consider rewording the entire thing, since it seems a bit pedantic right now.

• As to specific areas of chemistry that I am interested in I would have to highlight nanomaterials as being very much top of the list.
  

You need (at minimum) to add some commas to this sentence. You might also want to say "the development of nanomaterials," as well, for the sake of ease of reading.

• Additionally I have an interest in following both the law and legal proceedings and recently, for instance, followed through CSPAN the arguments made before the Ninth Circuit Court Of Appeals in regards to Proposition 8.
  

"Law and legal proceedings" is a little redundant. More clear and less pretentious would be "interest in the law." This should also be two sentences, and you will have to make at least a brief explanation of Prop 8 ("to Proposition 8, the controversial proposal to blah blah..."). And don't say "in regards," it's unnecessary.

• I am a member of the mental health community and I have worked as an advocate for those with mental health issues.
  

I would recommend consolidating this down, losing the whole first half of the sentence. The latter half implies the former, and isn't as silly-sounding.

• My personal hobbies include reading (mostly fantasy genre) and over the years I have managed to amass a small, personal library.
  

Drop the entire thing about your library.

Other additional advice:

• You cram in many more transitional words than are needed. Words like "additionally" and "also" shouldn't be overused, or they make your writing seem breathless and poorly-structured.
• You have a good thesis statement and supporting paragraphs, but you need a conclusion that sums it up again. Otherwise the end of the essay just seems to dangle.
  

Hope I'm not butting in :) --^talk 02:04, 18 February 2011 (UTC)

No, no. Not butting in. But unfortunately I am really up against the limit to what can be added to the statement. I've got enough space for 79 more characters, including spaces, but no line breaks left, which means no additional paragraph to get a conclusion in. I'll see what I can take of yours and try and work them in.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 02:24, 18 February 2011 (UTC)

Okay, implemented some of the changes. Couldn't do them all unfortunately, just not enough space. I'll keep in I am a member of the mental health community and I have worked as an advocate for those with mental health issues, because the two aren't synonymous. A lot of advocates are volunteers from legal or financial services, whereas I am a member of this community is a euphemism for I either have that problem, or I care for somebody with that problem. Thanks for help :-)-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 03:16, 18 February 2011 (UTC)

If space is really tight, I think there a few places you could cut down on excess verbiage a little. For example:

• I "find there is a dearth of programmes about chemistry rather than physics" instead of "have found that there does seem to be dearth of programmes that deal with matters of chemistry rather physics".
• "Taking the theoretical knowledge of a subject and applying it in practice strongly appeals to me" instead of "There is something about taking the theoretical knowledge of a subject and applying it in a practical manner that really speaks to me". ("really speaks to me" is a bit colloquial, & "there is something about" introduces unnecessary vagueness into the sentence).
• "As part of my interest in law" is unnecessary, since the sentence follows right on from the one before about your interest in law.
• "Similarly, I have an active interest in politics" instead of "It is almost inevitable that having an interest in the law meant that I also have an active interest in politics".

These are just a few examples & you may find more places you can cut a few words, which will leave more room if you want to add anything. I agree with AD that you need a closer. It doesn't need to be much; when I'm applying for jobs, I usually end my PS with something like "I believe that the skills and experiences outlined here make me an ideal candidate for [whatever]".

I still think it would be a good idea not to mention Durham specifically. Even if you only plan to apply for one uni now, it's good to leave options open just in case. & Unis mostly expect students to apply for more than one, so they certainly won't think less of your ps for not mentioning the name of the uni. If you do want to keep it in, take out the "(hopefully)" - the parentheses make it stick out clumsily in the sentence & put too much emphasis on it, + it's an area of disputed grammar anyway. Two areas actually. This bit would be better phrased & more concise as something like "One of the reasons I wish to study chemistry at Durham is the University's record on research" etc. Wëäŝëïöïď^{Methinks it is a Weasel} 21:15, 18 February 2011 (UTC)

Okay, thanks for the suggestions. I've put what I've can in, and sent off the form, so here's hoping.-- ^{Spirit of the Cherry Blossom} 21:43, 18 February 2011 (UTC)