Bronze-level articleDick Cheney

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Dick Cheney; some say the most powerful President — I mean Vice President — in US history. A guy so charismatic he could shoot a man in the face with a shotgun — and have that guy apologize to him.
—Will Ferrell, You're Welcome America[1]

Richard "Dead Eye" "Darth" "Iron Ass" "Satan"[2] Cheney is a former Congressman, SecDef, VP (2001 - 2009), and CEO who labors under the idea that the U.S. is a oil company with an army. He is otherwise known for his heart problems associated with a lack of one.

He gave experience to the 2000 Republican Ticket ticket since W. was seen as kind of a joke. It is generally acknowledged that while Dubya was in the press more often, Cheney was more politically influential, to the point where you could honestly peg everything the administration did on Dick, Don and Wolfie.[3]


[edit] Moonlighting

One heartbeat away from the presidency and not a single vote cast in my name. Democracy is so overrated.
—Frank Underwood

He hails from Casper, Wyoming, though he switched to Texas residency while running Halliburton. An obscure rule prevents any elector from voting for both a president and a vice president from his own state, thus necessitating the move back to Wyoming.

Cheney thought the Vice President was part of some Fourth Branch.[4] He claimed he was not part of the Executive Branch, contradicting the US Constitution. Article I of the Constitution says the VP is President of the Senate and casts a vote when there is a tie. His argument was that because he has legislative functions, he can't simply be classified as "executive." Then he claimed executive privilege to avoid accountability.[5]

Vice, in his case, means "second in rank and acting as deputy for". That means the vice-president is subordinate to the president. The president is part of the executive branch. Other meanings for "vice" that might apply:

☑ immoral activity (e.g. prostitution)
☑ wicked or evil conduct or habits; corruption
☑ a jester or buffoon
☑ a particular form of depravity

[edit] Inside Man

They so proudly wear this insignia.
If I would have to do it all over again, I would... the results speak for themselves.
—Dick just begging the US to throw him on a jet to The Hague[6]

Cheney's relationship with Halliburton began when he was still SecDef under Bush the First. He paid them $9 mil to perform "studies" on which parts of the Pentagon could be outsourced.[7] After leaving the Defense Department, he went to work as Halliburton's CEO during the Clinton years. Then he came back as VP under Bush the Second. Once in office, he ordered the EPA to remove whole sections on climate change from their 2002 and 2003 reports.[8] Christine Todd Whitman (R-NJ), then-EPA administrator, described the process as “brutal.”[9]

Coincidentally, Halliburton was offered all kinds of no-bid contracts in Iraq, often just taking money (upwards of $138 billion) for doing absolutely nothing.[10] Their shoddy construction and electricians killed troops, including an incident with an electrified shower.[11][12] Nobody saw jail, because in their contract there was a clause that gave them full immunity, regardless of whether it was unaccidental.[13]

In 1994, Dick Cheney was interviewed and explained quite sensibly why invading Iraq and overthrowing the Hussein regime would have been a terrible idea.[14] Since all the arguments he made then still seemed just as valid in 2003, wonder what changed his mind.

Rome also had people running around with their own private armies.[15] Ahh, America...just a river away...

[edit] Sith Lord recalled to duty

World-renowned for his subdom fetish, even Cheney couldn't stomach Trump's campaign platform. When Trump called for immigrants to be banned from the USA on the basis of religion alone, Cheney condemned it.[16] (It is black and latex, but his heart beats nonetheless. Liz Cheney's heart just kind of whirs.)[17]

Cheney and Captain Phasma Condi Rice (both oil executives) are working behind the scenes to confirm Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State. Because it's just like Cheney, architect of the Iraq War, to defend his integrity and then offer it as a bargaining chip.[18]

Back when we were gearing up for Gulf War II, Republicans said with a straight face and with utter conviction that the no-bids with Halliburton weren't suspicious in the slightest, because Cheney was no longer on the board of directors.[19] Democrats are eager to see if the same retorts will come up again re: Tillerson and Exxon.[20]

[edit] Keep It Gay

Cheney's daughter Mary is a lesbian who has been "out of the closet" for years; due to her previous job as "gay and lesbian corporate relations manager" for the Coors Brewing Company, she has been unironically described as a "professional lesbian."[21]

Mary's mother Liz wrote a book, Sisters: The Novel of a Strong and Beautiful Woman Who Broke All the Rules of the American Frontier,Wikipedia's W.svg that is absolutely not about lesbians.

In 2004, when Cheney was running for re-election on an opposition to same-sex marriage and Mary was part of his campaign staff, his daughter's sexuality was brought during both the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates. In response, John Kerry was accused by many wingnuts of "outing" her,[22] and his VP pick John Edwards was criticized for even mentioning her. Cheney himself described himself as "a pretty angry father" in response.

Cheney was a critic of the military's DADT policy during his tenure as Secretary of Defense, calling the policy a "bit of an old chestnut."[23] Nonetheless, when Republicans tried to shoehorn a ban on gay marriage into the Constitution, Cheney said that he personally opposed the policy but would still support it both as a Republican and as Vice President.

After the end of his second term as Vice President, he actually came out explicitly in favor of same-sex marriage,[24] and lobbied Maryland lawmakers to support their Governor's attempt to legalize it.[25] Things got spicy again when Liz Cheney, running for office in Wyoming, essentially ran to the right of the Bush administration−along with her proposal to stop gay marriages from being federally recognized[26] (we're surprised that she didn't invade the Castro District before the smoking gun came in the form of a mushroom cloud over an American city).

[edit] Reputation

The man who manipulated intel on Iraq, approved torture, and built secret prisons thinks Obama is determined to bring America down a notch.
—Joshua Foust[27]

It has been reported that even Dick Cheney's friends refer to him as "Vader," although the real Dick Cheney was both more frightening and less ethical. He also, notably, shot one of them in the face with a shotgun during a 2006 hunting trip in south Texas (and somehow that's the least grotesque thing he did).[28] But who among us hasn't mistaken a grown man for a quail, and then shot him, at some time in their life, eh? After all, accidents do happen. And "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." The truly hilarious part is that the friend later apologized for "all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through"[29] because he got in the way of Cheney's shotgun.

One person who probably doesn't count Dick as a friend is Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT), who, rather than a face-full of birdshot, received a "go fuck yourself" from Dick on the Senate floor.[30]

As George H.W. Bush's Defense Secretary, Cheney commissioned a study on how many tactical nuclear weapons he'd need to take out a division of Saddam Hussein’s Republican Guard. Additionally, journalist Seymour Hersh reported that Cheney also considered using nuclear bunker-busters against Iran’s underground uranium enrichment facilities. [31]

For some reason, Cheney kept several man-sized safes in his office.[32]

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

[edit] References

  1. That's some real Clint Eastwood shit right there!
  2. Jeb Bush's Dick Cheney problem by Chris Cillizza (November 5 at 3:17 PM) Washington Post.
  3. Even the New York Times couldn't see the difference.
  4. Kutler, Stanley, I., "Civics for Cheney", The Nation 9.10.07.
  5. Meyer, Josh, "Cheney's executive decision", LA Times 7.20.07.
  6. Back to the Torture, TPM
  7. Meyer, Jane, "Contract Sport", New Yorker 2.16.14.
  8. Jo Becker and Barton Gillman, "Leaving No Tracks", WaPo 7.27.07 Page A01.
  9. "Transcript: Clearing the Air", NOW with Bill Moyers 9.19.03.
  10. Fifield, Anna, "Contractors reap $138bn from Iraq war", FT 3.18.13.
  11. Donofrio, Julianne, "Did Halliburton Sell Dirty Water?", ABC 1.23.06.
  12. Risen, James, "Despite Alert, Flawed Wiring Still Kills G.I.’s", NYT 5.4.08.
  13. Witte, Griff, "Ex-Workers Testify About Halliburton", WaPo 9.19.06.
  14. Dick Cheney on invading Baghdad
  15. Witte, Griff, "Army to End Expansive, Exclusive Halliburton Deal", WaPo 7.12.06; A01.
  16. And his heart grew three sizes that day.
  17. Kane, Paul, "Liz Cheney launches a new brand in Wyoming", WaPo 8.16.16.
  18. Johnson, Eliana, "Cheney emerges as surprise Trump surrogate", Politico (12/16/16 at 01:44 PM EST).
  19. Rosenbaum, David E., "A Closer Look at Cheney and Halliburton", NYT 9.28.04.
  20. Troy, Phaeda Friend, "ExxonMobil awards Halliburton West Qurna refurbishment work in Iraq", PennEnergy 10.14.10.
  21. Using Mary Cheney.
  22. Despite conservative accusations, Kerry didn't "out" Mary Cheney
  23. Possible Defense Secretary Seen As Opponent Of Gay Rights
  24. Video of the Day: Dick Cheney Endorsing Gay Marriage in 2009, The Atlantic
  25. Dick Cheney Part Of Marriage Equality Lobbying Effort In Maryland: Report, HuffPo
  26. Caldwell, Patrick, "Liz Cheney Heartlessly Disowns Her Sister on National TV", Mother Jones (11/18/13 8:41 AM EST).
  27. It gets even funnier.
  28. Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter, CNN
  29. Man shot by Cheney: 'Accidents do and will happen', CNN
  30. Leahy Knocks Cheney: "I Don't Need Any Lectures From Him", HuffPo
  32. The Daily Show: You Don't Know Dick
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