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Dick Cheney

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Oh, you knew this was coming.
Dick Cheney; some say the most powerful President — I mean Vice President — in US history. A guy so charismatic he could shoot a man in the face with a shotgun — and have that guy apologize to him.
—Will Ferrell, You're Welcome America[1]
If I would have to do it all over again, I would... the results speak for themselves.
—Dick just begging the US to throw him on a jet to The Hague[2]
Fuck off, Senator!
They so proudly wear this insignia.

Richard "Dead Eye" Cheney is the former dictator, Sith Lord Vice President of the United States (2001 - 2009) and a torture enthusiast. He hails from Caspar, Wyoming. (He previously lived in Texas, but an obscure rule prevents any elector from voting for both a president and a vice president from his own state, thus necessitating the move back to Wyoming.) He is otherwise best known for having heart problems associated with his lack of one (although rumor has it that, if it really does exist, it is small and black).

It is generally acknowledged that while Dubya was in the press more often, Dick Cheney was more politically influential, to the point where you could honestly peg everything on Cheney for what the Bush administration did (well, along with Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz).[3] Cheney claimed that he was not a part of the executive branch, contradicting the US Constitution, and then claimed executive privilege to avoid accountability. Part of Dick Cheney's job was in the legislative branch, breaking ties in the Senate, if and when they occurred.

In 1994, Dick Cheney was interviewed and explained quite sensibly why invading Iraq and overthrowing the Hussein regime would have been a terrible idea.[4] Since all the arguments he made then still seemed just as valid in 2003, we wonder what changed his mind.

He kept several man-sized safes in his office.[5]

Contents

[edit] Cheney and homosexuality

Cheney's daughter Mary is a lesbian who has been "out of the closet" for years; due to her previous job as "gay and lesbian corporate relations manager" for the Coors Brewing Company, she has been described as a "professional lesbian."[6] This is where the scuffles in the Cheney family (in particular with Liz) begins.

In 2004, when Cheney was running for re-election on a platform that featured opposition to same-sex marriage and Mary was part of his campaign staff, his daughter's sexuality was mentioned during both the Presidential and Vice Presidential debates. In response, John Kerry was accused by many wingnuts of "outing" her,[7] and both Kerry and John Edwards were criticized for mentioning her. Cheney himself described himself as "a pretty angry father" in response.

Cheney criticized the military's policy against hiring and keeping openly gay soldiers during his tenure as Secretary of Defense, calling the policy a "bit of an old chestnut."[8] Nonetheless, even during an attempt to put a ban on gay marriage in the Constitution, Cheney said that he personally opposed the policy but would still push for it as a Republican and as Vice-President.

After the end of his second term as Vice President, he actually came out explicitly in favor of same-sex marriage,[9] and lobbied Maryland lawmakers to support their Governor's attempt to legalize it.[10]

[edit] Reputation

The man who manipulated intel on Iraq, approved torture, and built secret prisons thinks Obama is determined to bring America down a notch.
—Joshua Foust[11]

It has been reported that even Dick Cheney's friends refer to him as "Vader," although the real Dick Cheney was both more frightening and less ethical. He also, quite notably, shot one of them in the face with a shotgun during a 2006 hunting trip in south Texas.[12] But who among us hasn't mistaken a grown man for a quail, and then shot him, at some time in their life, eh? After all, accidents do happen. And "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." The truly hilarious part is that the friend later apologized for "all that Vice President Cheney and his family have had to go through"[13] because he got in the way of Cheney's shotgun.

One person who probably doesn't count Dick as a friend is Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT), who, rather than a face-full of birdshot, received a "go fuck yourself" from Dick on the Senate floor.[14]

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

[edit] Footnotes

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