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The chickenhawks are full of squawks, deep in the heart of Texas
—Gene Autry
DALLAS (NBC News) — An East Texas man was wounded after he fired a gun at an armadillo in his yard and the bullet ricocheted back to hit him in his face, the county sheriff said.[1]
—Meanwhile, in Texas

The State Republic of Texas is a de facto independent country in the southern adjacent to the United States. Texas has had independence from the United States ever since Governor Hairdo, High Prophet of the Most Venerable Family-Based Catholic Church of Texas, declared the supposed "states'" independence from them yellow bellied yankees. Texas is famous for its high quality ed-jew-ma-kay-shun system, of which the republic focuses most of its "well deserved" taxes profits on. Otherwise, money is thrown at the corporate leaders in Houston to continue ruining the economic structure of the nation, while all the national heads are kept on the white collar entertainment city of Dallas.

Six flags have flown over Texas: the Spanish, the French, the Spanish again, the Mexican, the ancient Texas, the United States, the Confederate States, the United States again and better Texas. When pretending to be just a state in the U.S., it is referred to as the "Lone Star State." Texas has had a large problem with immigration from Mexico, and Mexico might even annex the country for a second, third, FOURTH FIFTH time.


[edit] Texas stuff

They wanted their quarter to be larger than all the others.

Due to having entered the Union under unusual circumstances, as well as a prevailing spirit of plucky individualism, there are a number of Texans who claim not only that Texas should secede from the greater part of the United States, but that it has a unique right to do so, the outcome of the American Civil War notwithstanding. Despite claiming a constitutional right to do so, this right does not actually exist. The line in question was part of the first state Constitution, which was rewritten and a new state constitution was approved post-Civil War denying them that right, just like every other rebellious state. That few of its proponents know anything about said constitutional law, including (oops) Governor Rick Perry,[2] complicates matters significantly.[3] (It is rather more clear that most of the rest of the U.S. wishes that Texas would secede.)

Ironically, Sam Houston, the most well-known hero of the Texas Revolution and the Texan equivalent of George Washington, was an avowed Unionist who actually campaigned against his state joining the Confederacy (and was arrested for it).

[edit] Politickin'

Texas is an outrage when your husband is dead. Texas is an outrage when they pick up his head. Texas is the reason that the President's dead!
—The Misfits

Surprisingly, Nixon's Southern Strategy did not work in the first term election: Texas was the only state to give its votes to Humphrey (D). He won the second time, though. Texans blamed the Civil Rights Act and hippie counterculture on the Democratic Party they had once loved. They have not supported a Democratic presidential candidate since Carter in '76. Bill Clinton losing Texas in 1992, the first time a Democrat won the WH without the state, officially made it a red state. Despite these losses, Democrats continued to win at the state level. Then in 1994, Democratic governor Ann Richards lost her reelection bid to George W. Bush and Bush's coattails brought every state office to the Republicans. Then in 2002 Democrats lost the Legislature, officially killing the party. The GOP has held the state ever since and Tom DeLay certainly wouldn't let go of it.

There was a lot of strife in the 2000's when Tom Craddick (R) became the first Republican Speaker of the House since '71. With his newfound power he was under pressure from the party to push legislation, and he did so by breaking house rules. In 2001, 50 Democrats from the Texas legislature fled to neighboring Oklahoma. They did this because legislators tried to—and eventually succeeded at—gerrymandering the state. (Gerrymandering was one of the strategies used by Rove and DeLay in their efforts to create a permanent Republican majority throughout the U.S.) A bit of sensibility to the political environment was returned with the election of Joe Strauss in 2009. In the same year, though, the tea party began to emerge. Originally based on more libertarian principles, they were taken in by the extreme wing of the Republican Party.

There is little hope for sanity in Texas. Need more proof? Have at it.

[edit] Responsible Gun Owners

Everyone in Texas is armed. Even the cows.[4][5]

A law will allow open carry of guns at all state colleges as of August 2016;[6] the ban on plug-in air fresheners and waffle makers will remain in effect because they're dangerous.[7]

[edit] The long, flabby arm of the law

In Texas, if the police don’t like you, especially if your skin is brown rather than white, then they can arrest you for nothing and say it was public intoxication.[8]

Texans don't need to worry about federal soldiers coming in and fucking them over. They own law enforcement agencies do that. State troopers circle the I40 like buzzards trying to pick off a citizen violating one of the many of thousands of regulations. It's obvious that their mission is extortion and not keeping the peace or protecting society.

The only thing Abbott has accomplished of note is to force law enforcement to take courses on canine education. Texan cops love to shoot people's pets for no fucking reason, other than the fact that they can't shoot minorities as freely as they used to, so they are taking their frustrations out on Fido.[9]

[edit] SECURE THE BORDERS!!!...only don't do it anywhere near our borders

It sounds like a story treatment for a movie: despotic tyrant secretly invades one of his own states under cover of a military exercise. Because when you want to implement martial law in the US, where should you start? DC? The major cities? No, you gotta start with Bastrop County![10]

Did any of the folks suckered in by the Jade Helm conspiracy theory go back and re-evaluate the sources they get their "news" from and discard the media that lied to them to embrace actual news sites now instead? Nope, they will just rationalize it by saying that it was only the media exposure that made them give up their original Jade Helm plans. We did it, everybody! We saved Texas from the commies, yet again! Good work! But don't become complacent — freedom requires eternal vigilance.

It's funny, small towns usually love military exercises and all the saluting and fraternizing with troops. Not sure what lever was pulled and made that military-boner sour into fear. (Answer: They managed to link "military" with "Obama." Apparently racism trumps nationalism.)

[edit] Separation of church and accountability

In 2008 the Texas Supreme Court ruled that a 17-year old girl who was imprisoned and abused while hallucinating could not sue the church over damages done during the exorcism.[11]

[edit] Texan Science

[edit] Goldbuggery

Texas passed a law requiring the state to stockpile gold bars, starting in 2009. After amassing $1 billion in bullion, and losing $350 million due to price fluctuation, Texas passed a 2015 law that requires that the bullion be moved from New York to an undecided and unfunded facility within Texas. Not only will the transportation of the gold cost a substantial amount of money but the guarding and maintenance of the holding facility will be costly. In the meantime the value of gold might still decrease. Texas (fortunately) is the only US state that has its own gold hoard.[12]

[edit] More notable crazies

  • Joe Barton: Weren't republicans supposed to be the party of small government and freedom?[13]
  • Ted Cruz: Syrian refugees we will take, but you can't make us take Cruz back! - Canada
  • Louie Gohmert: It's inspiring to see what Gohmert has accomplished, in spite of his obvious mental illness.
  • Alex Jones: He didn't even show up for that Jade Helm panel he kept squawking about.[14] "According to sources who spoke exclusively to Mediaite, Jones has been spotted on a remote island where people are taken when they know too much, and is now called “Number Six.”"
  • Ron Paul: The freedom to starve should be considered a civil right rather than an evil to be protected against. Oh, and just throw students to the wolves of the private loan companies, they are so much better. It's about as good as my idea to throw the elderly to the wolves of the private insurers by cutting off medicare.
  • Rick Perry: Everyone should thank Rick Perry for validating why we have separation of church and state.[15]

[edit] Irony

Texas seceded from Mexico because the illegal (Anglo) immigrants wanted to keep slaves. Later it seceded from the US because the Texans wanted to keep slaves. Now one of the things Rick Perry claims as grounds for secession is... wait for it... illegal immigration. And of course taxes which are like slavery.

[edit] Footnotes

  1. Texas Man Injured After Bullet Ricochets Off Armadillo KCEN
  2. What Perry Really Said About Secession
  3. Can Texas Secede from the Union?, CGPGrey
  4. Benning, Tom, "So many Texans want gun licenses, DPS adding staff to handle paperwork", Dallas Morning News (3/24/16 4:44 pm).
  5. Benning, Tom, "Misfire: How confusion, legal tweaks led Texas to allow guns in state mental hospitals", Dallas Morning News (4/22/16 8:30 am). A law was passed to allow open carry of guns virtually everywhere in the state starting on January 1, 2016. An exception was carved out for state hospitals — but not state psychiatric hospitals, wtf.
  6. McGaughy, Lauren, "Campus carry group may offer ‘cash prizes’ to UT students who call out anti-gun professors", Dallas Morning News (5/3/16 10:37 am). Gives a whole new meaning to the word "triggered".
  7. 'Armed with reason': Texas campus carry law sees pushback from academics: Anti-campus carry efforts given fresh impetus after Oregon college mass shooting as dissent grows about the implementation of the law by Tom Dart (Saturday 24 October 2015 08.41 EDT) The Guardian.
  8. Cop Walks Into a Bar And...Arrests You. For Having a Drink.
  9. Khalid, Amrita, "How to keep your dog from being shot by police ", The Daily Dot (11/19/15, 8:00am CT | Last updated 11/19/15, 1:54pm CT).
  10. "Abbott Orders Texas Guard to 'Monitor' Planned Military Exercises", KUT 4/28/15.
  12. Texas' Gold Returning Within The State's Borders, But Officials Unsure When And How Repository Will Be Built by Chancellor Agard (July 04 2015 5:42 PM EDT) International Business Times.
  13. Brodkin, Jon, "Congressman: To stop ISIS, let’s shut down websites and social media", ARS Technica (11/17/15 12:30pm PST).
  14. Evan McMurry, "Alex Jones Doesn’t Show for ABC News Panel on Jade Helm", Mediate (5-10-15, 11:00 am).
  15. Michel, Casey, "Rick Perry Blames Separation Of Church And State On Satan", TPM (September 20, 2012, 7:13 PM EDT). That's odd, most Texans blame Satan for Rick Perry.

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