Calvin's report on Bats, the scourging bugs of the sky:
Japan is an island off the east coast of Asia with a lot of bats.
The Bible refers to bats as a species of bird in Leviticus 11, but now that we know bats are bugs, not birds, we can fix that using powerful new conservative words. The regular contributors in some wikiprojects are widely believed to be bats.
Many Cricket batsmen, (not to be confused with Batman, a superhero who ironically has absolutely no powers that resemble the abilities of a bat) can be found holding bats.
Because of his lack of superpowers, Batman often takes out criminals with assault and BAT-tery.
Bats produce fecal matter, and over the course of millions of years, such matter has evolved into batshit crazy politicians, bloggers, and other weirdos.