Essay:New interpretation of chivalry

A while ago, Andrew Schlafly, Lord Protector of Conservapedia, put together an essay trumpeting the values of "chivalry."

More recently, however, Mr. Schlafly has been trumpeting the conservative value of woman-slapping.^img Of course, since everything Mr. Schlafly says is completely infallible, this casts grave doubts on the validity of interpreting this essay in the straightforward, literal manner. A more fanciful interpretation is needed to reconcile Mr. Schlafly's support for chivalry with his support for woman-slapping.

In this side-by-side, I provide such an interpretation.

Interpretation

Text	New interpretation

Teenagers (and adults) would benefit from a bit more chivalry in their behavior. For students, here are some suggested guidelines:

Lugs up, you little s***s; here's how you can brown-nose the Wiki brass and get ahead.

Boys

1. When you see a girl carrying something heavy, offer to carry it for her.

Remember, girls are all weaklings who need men's help to tote feathers. Pay no attention if they object to your help; infirma mens in infirmo corpore, after all.

2. Stand up when a girl or woman enters the room.

Women love to be the center of attention.

3. Speak in a respectful manner in front of a girl.

But everyone else is fair game for disrespect, including liberals (even the females of the species).

4. Be appreciative when girls bake cookies for the entire class.

On the other hand, if a boy bakes some, beat him up for being a fruit.

5. Compliment girls (appropriately).

On the other hand it's inappropriate to compliment a girl when she does an unwomanly thing, such as using her brain.

6. Refrain from staring, commenting or whistling at attractive girls.

But keep in mind that if unattractive girls complain about being whistled at, they are politically correct radical feminazis whose liberal bias needs to be purged.

7. Open doors for girls.

You can't expect a girl to push open a door on her own; she might break a nail!

8. If on a date with a young lady, behave with respect and decorum.

Don't take a girl into a lovers' lane; really big sins happen back there.

9. Offer to purchase tickets or meals for girls, and develop a work ethic to provide money for that.

Girls never ought to >ugh!< pull their own financial weight.

Girls

1. Put your superior social skills to good use by welcoming others.

Girls, you have the wherewithal to tease men's socks off; use it and you'll get a husband quicker.

2. Do not attempt to embarrass a boy, as in trying to beat him in arm-wrestling or bragging that you did better on a test.

Uppity girls who try to be equal to men need a good smack-down.

3. When a boy does help you, as in carrying something or opening a door, thank him.

Thou shalt be grateful for the crumbs that drop from thy Lord and Master's table.

4. Avoid gossip.

The only appropriate gossip is about liberals. One has to read about liberals to gossip about them and that might poison a girl's pretty little head. Therefore, gossip is to be left to the men.

5. Dress modestly, not provocatively or suggestively.

Girls should, preferably, be dressed in so much clothing that they can't run away too fast, or in general do anything except sit around and make non-gossipy chatter.

6. Avoid profanity.

But it is, of course, perfectly all right for a man to break the Third Commandment, especially in conversation to a liberal.

7. Only agree to date those boys of whom your parents have approved.

Remember, girls, you're the property of your father until you become the property of your husband.

See also

• Essay:Translation: Rules of Chivalry for Students