Essay:Teanage Mutant Ninja Goats

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Thirty years ago, on an ordinary day, an average-looking man walked down Fifth Avenue in New York City. He was late for work, so he took frequent glances at the beautiful watch he had just received from his wife for their 15th anniversary. The man, whose name was John Plotdevice, decided to start running in order to get to the subway before it left. He usually arrived early, so he figured he might still have a chance to get on it if he ran. However, as he took another look at his watch in a poorly-timed moment, he failed to notice an open manhole in front of him. As he tripped, he frantically grabbed air in a manner reminiscent of the Saturday morning cartoon his two children loved to watch, involving a coyote and a roadrunner. He didn't approve of those cartoons, thinking they were too violent, and he especially felt this way now that he was in the place of the coyote, who often died in graphic ways. John sincerely hoped this was not to be his fate, and he was lucky in a way, as it wasn't. It was far worse.

Meanwhile, inside the deepest areas of the sewers, four anthropomorphic goats sat around a table, enjoying their morning tea. "Ah, how I love a good cup of tea! It's particularly nice today, I wonder if it's because some fresh air is coming in from the manhole nearby," said the oldest, Esther. Elaine did not feel the same way, spitting her tea on Esther's face, as was the custom in the lair of the Teanage Mutant Ninja Goats. Anne immediately left to use the bathroom, as was also the custom in the lair of the Teanage Mutant Ninja Goats. But their morning rounds were soon interrupted by a crash. Phyllis went to investigate while the rest of the goats went back to their tea as if nothing had happened. Little did they know, their whole lives were about to change! 😕

As Phyllis walked through the sewers, she could hear the groans of a man growing louder. Eventually, she found John Plotdevice laying on the floor, spread out as if he were trying to make a snow angel. As she had had basic medical training as a young girl, she checked for a pulse and found one. She worked on nursing him back to health, but while he was still unconscious, a bloodcurdling scream came from the back where the other goats were. Phyllis sighed, thinking her sisters must be overreacting to seeing a mouse again, but then she caught a glimpse of something that wasn't there before sticking out of the cracks in the wall. It appeared to be ceramic, and had designs on it that reminded her of their teapot. Then she realized that it was the teapot! She immediately dropped John Smith with a loud thud and ran to see what was happening. Phyllis was confronted by the most horrid sight she had ever laid her eyes upon.

In front of her was a gigantic writhing mass of congealed tea, glass cups, and metal from the walls it had crashed through, with a small teapot in the center of it all - the goats' teapot. A muffled scream came from inside the creature, sounding somewhat like the distorted voice of Elaine. John Plotdevice suddenly woke up, grabbing a sword from the wall behind him and throwing it to Phyllis. She was never very good at catch, and the sword clattered to the ground beside her. She quickly ducked as the tea monster swiped at her and took the opportunity to grab the sword from the floor. The teast[note 1] let out a horrible screech that sounded like a combination of the whistle of a teakettle and fingernails on a chalkboard, and another muffled scream came from inside its body. Suddenly, something pierced the teapot in the middle of the teast, and Anne pushed through its gelatinous body. It collapsed onto the ground, letting out a low whistle like a deflated balloon, and Esther and Elaine popped out of it. It also threw up three more swords, each labeled with an ancient-looking inscription. The first said "ƧI ƧIHT", the second said "ЯƎHTOИΛ", and the third said "ƎƆIVƎC TO˩P". Elaine knew the language, and translated it into "Use the swords on the wall connections to kill the beast." As if on cue, the teast began rising again, and stuck four glass cups into the wall. Each of the goats took a sword and slashed the cups, and with one final screech, the teast fell again, exploding into tiny little bits and coating the wall with herbal, black, oolong, and green tea. John Plotdevice was never heard from again and the Teanage Mutant Ninja Goats lived happily ever after.


See also[edit]


  1. Tea + beast.