Essay:Vampire Animals

Yeah, it's not a "story" but there aren't any real rules.

Vampire Animals

This essay is in regards to nonhuman vampire animals. If you seek information on humanoids who are actually blood sucking hell spawn that moonlight as other animals (bats, wolves, Yelp reviewers, etc...) see Vampire.

Overview

Although the human version of a vampire has the ability of transformation into a variety of creatures mostly considered high on the creepy scale there is solid empirical vampirical satirical evidence from the dental fossil records for a host of nonhuman forms. Most if these still exist in extremely limited numbers at various Romanian petting zoos. This is by no means a comprehensive listing.

Vamoose

These are extinct, hence the popularization of the usage of the word vamoose meaning, "get the hell out of here". The last documented vamoose sighting was in the 1800's when the last wild vamoose was ironically staked through the heart when it fell upon a Moose Crossing sign. Top vampire animal researchers theorize if it had not been the sign of the cross it would have survived. The Monty Python and the Holy Grail credits referencing moose are based on the urban legend of a vamoose having bitten Graham Chapman's sister which was in actuality just a bad bout of DTs and not an actual vamoose.

Vamprey

Often incorrectly referred to as vamprey eels and related to oldhagfish. Vamprey are a top draw at the petting zoos. Surprisingly or not surprisingly dependent on the gullibility of readers of this, the vamprey is the closest relative to human vampires from the common ancestry on the vampily tree. Look at the teeth on a lamprey if you need further convincing. Like the living lamprey, the undead vamprey is slimy. This feature has made them important to the horror film industry as they are the main source of actual ectoplasm instead of just some cheap ass CGI effect like Slimer in Ghosbusters. For horror movie purists this important distinction allows a top vamprey wrangler to pull in $50k a year. In the wild they are prevalent in the canals of Vampsterdam.

Vampire Firefly

Popular in Nordic regions. Only an undead insect could survive the cold. Viking tradition for fallen heroes is carried on in modern times by cremation of fallen heroes by immolation with bonfires started by vampire fireflies called vampyres.

Vampire Fox

These evolved by incorporating the survival traits of being sexy and leading to some nice alliteration. Humanoid Vampire Vixens (Note - Michelle Vauer has retired from film and now runs a vampire animal petting zoo.) are well known. You can't swing an undead cat in Hollywood without hitting a B movie that has a hawt vampire babe or hunky vampire dude (Or Pattinson). The four legged variety is a convenient source for those that want to engage in necrophilia and Bestiality at the same time.

Vamgaroo

If we've learned one thing from Twilight it's that there's a lot of attempted crossbreeding between different undead and humans. They'll pretty much hop into the sack with anything. The name Vamgaroo is a bastardized portmanteau of Vampire and loup garous. Vamgaroo are the mutts of the vampire animal kingdom and represent all sorts of different cross breeds. Vampire bats/ vampire wolves. Vampire firefly/vampire goat. Vampire sheep/vampire wolverines. If there's a vampire animal with any vampire hormones left it has mated with another vampire animal over the millennia. Except vampreys, that would be just plain stupid. Vamgaroo are exceedingly common in Australia as they were quarantined there as some form of vampire animal penal colony, originally centered in what is now Vollongong.

Vamatee

Undead manatee, the vamatee, are the sea cattle of the world. Most people think it tastes like chicken, or more appropriately like vampire chicken. It's rarely eaten without preparation including lots of herbs and spices. And garlic. Lots and lots of garlic. You don't want your prepared meal to jump up and bite you back. The best recipes are recorded in the monthly magazine Vamatee Fare.

Vlamingos

A personal favorite of Vlad the Impaler, himself. Quite frankly, a rather boring creature that usually just stands around the lawns of suburban America. True vlamingos are a deep crimson color, while those that have less royal lineage are pinkish. A 2003 outbreak of the undead avian flu nearly wiped out the pink vlamingo population in New Jersey.

Rhinosferatus

Nearly driven to the brink of extinction by the poaching for the completely preposterous idea of their horns being an aphrodisiac. Evolution provided the solution that rhinosferatu without horns look nearly identical to vampire hippos. Petting zoo breeding programs have successfully produced fully horned rhinosferatu. (Note: In 1989 twin rhinosferatu, Barbara and Cyrano were stillborn ensuring propagation of the species for some time.)

Vampire Fruit Bat

Although an actual source of fresh animal blood is necessary for survival, vampire fruit bats have been known to subsist on a diet of just necktarines for several years.